What A Fucking Mess...

OMG what a fucking night -
Frank and I started email chat in regards to the trip, things like cash, power converters etc...eventually he made some joke in regards to condoms, a brand I'm sure is for "larger" men. Anyway I told him in replying to his joke, that I would need the "larger" - he wrote back, "Bitch" -
He eventually invited me over, for a bite to eat, he was going to whip up dinner. After a while we played that card game again, which I actually quite like...We started chatting after that and drinking. I have recollection of last night and some bits are blurred out -
I remember asking, how he holidays. Does he do excursions, lay on the beach etc. When I said lay on the beach, he made it sound like he doesn't do all that much of that. He did say or explain, that this holiday is "us" together going away. That should he chat to people or go another way to not get upset, that he isn't ignoring me etc. Mentioned that it isn't a sexual romp away. I didn't want that, nor did i need to hear that. To him, we are just 2 guys. I went on to say, "what if I met someone and wanted to bring them back?" He was sorta stunned at that question but eventually said, "he would go take a long shower" etc. We got on about other guys..meeting and not meeting, as I again had gone through his emails while he was in the kitchen and saw more of the same. I remember throwing a glass against the wall and his shock and horror at that. At some point he threw my purse out a window and it landed on a roof below. Trying and trying to understand. I remember talking about putting each other at risk, should other people be involved. I told him how by him meeting other people, and getting blow jobs puts me and him at a risk. He threw back that I was with Rob a number of years having unsafe sex, all the while knowing he was cheating in some form. I don't think that was or is a fair comment. I don't think Rob did anal with these guys - He wanted and expected me to clean up my mess, which eventually I did, getting down, vacuuming. He then told me about my bag at which point I went out the window on to the roof top and got my bag...which was cold and wet but I didn't/don't care. At one point, he wouldn't even give me any wine, as he topped himself up. After doing something, which I don't recall, he topped my glass up too. Which really isn't a good thing as I/we get too drunk and don't recall things the next morning. I remember looking at the time at one point and it was almost 3:45am, we had been arguing for well over an hour or 2, hell maybe 3. We went to bed, I don't remember that at all. I sorta think that when I awoke I was touching him in some manner. but at about 8:05am we got up and him in a fury, a rush. So still half drunk it seemed, I found my clothes and got changed - shoes on and a rush out the door. I said to have a good day, and that I was on my way home. He said, "not going to work?", I said no and walked off. I sent an email on the way just saying - If we were still on for the holiday. That in order not to lose cash and points, to just go, have separate holidays but away. That if he wanted to, we could ask for separate rooms. I apologised for last nights antics, though I think he should to - and left it there. I took a cab home. When I got home, I cried my eyes out in bed, thinking, what the fuck is happening, what the hell is wrong with me!? Can I go on this holiday? Do I want to..What about him. Yes, no...lose $$ - What a fucking mess -
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