Well I have taken a few weeks to care for myself, deal with things that have happened over the last 6-8 months. I continue to busy myself with life and move on after Frank Bentley, John Bentley or whoever he really is. Last night having dinner and drinks with the person I respect most, Tim. He asked about my situation. I have never in detail told Tim about this "relationship". He was very concerned, very interested to see what had happened. I told him there were too many things to say in one nights get together. I went on to tell him how he was bisexual and seeing a married woman. He stopped me right there and said, "There are issues and that should have been your first sign to back away, and this I told you early on,"
Now if you go back in this blog, there was a time last August that Frank showed up at my lobby with his laptop, as I was having a bite at a nearby patio. I refreshed Tim's memory and he recalled this incident, remembering that evening. Anyway, I went on to tell him, how he told my friend Christian, that Frank got a blow job 12 hours before getting together with me, the day we went to the Island together. We continued to have a physical relationship all the while I had no clue he was doing what he did. Frank told Christian that he was up front about that which is a flat out lie as I would have not slept with him again if that was the case, though Frank has a different recollection. I have said time and time again in this blog how Frank is one of the most intelligent men(or so I thought), Frank cannot hold a candle to Tim. Tim is an outstanding human being in life, in general, I would not say this about Frank.
I went on to tell Tim how Frank was also into women's lingerie and Tim's jaw dropped. I went on to explain to Tim how my motive when he was is his garb was to get him out of it and that I managed. I told a story of how one evening, I had gone over, Frank was in his frilly lingerie and stockings. He had spent the day doing chores and laundry. There was laundry folded on the sofa, the bed was not made. When I decided to go to bed, I saw no pillow cases(there is an entry earlier about this in more detail) and I made a comment about this from the bedroom which was off the living room. He said back to me, "You were supposed to tell me to make the bed, put the laundry away." I did not get this at first but eventually realized he wanted me to dominate him. I told him I am not like that and just went to bed. Tim was floored at this and said,"Franco, right then and there you should have gotten out of bed and gone home and not seen him again!" Unfortunately at that time I had fallen in love with him and just wanted to spend time with him, regardless of how out of my element it was. Today is a different story but that was then. Tim said, from what I had told his thus far, that all of this equals to ISSUES, and that's just it. Issues. I told Tim how Christian had told me of an email exchange between then, that Frank has/had no idea how I know or knew of Katarina, the mistress. Telling Christian that I must have gone through his PC to find this information. That is a flat out lie, Frank told me. Katarina never came by all the time that I was there and I was there allot, she did call the odd time though. I explained to Tim how Frank was friends with Katarinas husband, Joel and how they(Frank and Joel) had gone on outings together and what not, again Tim was floored and saying, "That whole situation is so wrong!" Yes it is, it was. I told Tim of Franks diaper fetish of his CL hook ups. I told Tim how one night, I called and asked what he was doing. Frank's response, "Sitting in my diaper" and then told Tim how I had to see this, try and figure this out.
I had gone over, Frank answered the door in a dress shirt which covered the crotch area and dress socks. But that eventually I saw he had blue shorts under the shirt and my asking if there was anything under the shorts, to which Frank nodded yes and went on to show me, a 52 year old bisexual, cross dressing, diaper wearing man, if you can call him that, should have spoken volumes and I should have left for good right then and there!
His unsafe sex practices which was admitted to me, I also told Tim of the STD scare we had and Tim said, "I'm surprised you didn't catch anything from that thing."
Christian relayed to me that Frank said how he never has had an STD when to my face Frank said otherwise. I told Tim about the holiday we were supposed to go on. I told Tim how he(Frank) accused me of "stealing" his Aeroplan number. If that was the case, I would have added the redemption on my trip not his and again, how would I get that information if not from him? When I was over Franks place, I usually, 99% of the time I was situated on the sofa, not near his PC. When we booked the trip, he logged into the Aeroplan site and asked me, from there to make a booking, primarily because he couldn't read the script as it was in a smaller font. I told Tim of how I went over almost everyday last November when Frank pulled his back, I went to be with him and to help him as best as I could with nothing wanted in return but an honest friend. This I didn't get. He has told my friend Christian so many lies its disgusting. I do wish things had been different and yea I do miss a part of Frank but don't miss the lies. He tells Christian how he did not hurt me, I felt hurt, WRONG - You had a man blow you, then within the next 24hours we slept together and had a physical evening. If I knew he had done what he did, he would not have been in my apt or my bed. He told Christian that there was more to the car park incidents that made him stop coming here. He never explained further and all I can say is because, there is no other reason. When I first went to Franks place, there was papers all over the place, empty pasta packages all over the kitchen and hall way floor, I don't live like this, he does. He told Christian how I cost him thousands of $$ - Ha Ha dementia is setting in early with this man/woman/tranny? Not really sure at this point what he is. I keep telling Christian how I wished for closure, that was a while ago, a month and a half ago or so, today, closure for me is expressing myself in an honest way as I always have been. I had been right up to the end 100% honest with Mr Bentley. He was not. He in one email apparently called me "Marco" and Christian forwarded me that email, the response, which went on to say something like, "Franco/Marco/Antonio if that is his name" ? I again have no need to lie and this I told Frank. The "drama" Frank says I inflicted, the pain and damage I have inflicted, the loss of money, is all something in his feeble old mind. I was nothing but good. Yes I had a good time for a while under an illusion of who Frank was. Ive said it before and will say it again, I remember the first day we met for coffee outside. That is my fondest memory and one that is burned in my mind, that was a time of innocence between us both. Him asking how I felt about the meeting and him telling me. It was all nice then and that is the best part of this lost friendship. I whole heartedly admit to flying off the handle, but that was in time of upset and having too much to drink. I said some vile things but I never knew he would turn out to do things he did. Frank, I have learned over the last 8, 9 month what Frank Bentley really is, what kind of person he really is.
Frank is, and this will be a long list probably - He is, a liar, a cheat, lingerie wearing, diaper wearing, deceitful, promiscuous, unsafe, dirty(showers once a month or so), an alcoholic, as he hardly remembers allot of the late night conversations we had due to blacking out and being hung over and this too I have in email, he also is manipulative and selfish...I could go on, but really after all this, why would anyone want someone like that in their daily life? What benefit is there. Like a junkie, the sparkle in his eyes is no more. The smile that had me at, go, no longer shines though. John Frank Bentley is a mystery to me and in a way I'm glad I went through it, only to know tell tale signs when I should back away. I could not even have Frank as a friend, knowing what I know, I couldn't. I think maybe my worst attribute is my temper, but my temper comes though when Ive been messed around with, it happened with Rob, Jonathon, Doug and Frank...and what is the one thing they all did, they lied. The blurb on my main page about this blog says,
"...Living for fun, friends and love ultimately, if it ever shows its face twice in a lifetime" -
I will thank Frank only for one thing and that is the feeling that I can fall in love again, it was a beautiful feeling and I enjoyed. The words he spoke to me in these "moments" I now know were alcohol induces, him telling me I am hot, I am fun and more explicit things I wont mention here. They were just words, in the moment, not what I thought. I don't think Frank can fall in love or is in love with his gal pal otherwise he would not suck cock on the side and put her in danger as well as himself. In the end this is a friendship gone wrong, full stop...
x
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Yup, I Did and Regret It All...
Last night after work I went for dinner with a co worker, then met up with a friend at the local watering hole across the road. While there I saw Jonathon. It wasn't anything special,. I just hadn't seen him in a long time, and hated seeing him, but was proud at myself for not really caring that he was in the same venue and carried on with my evening. My friends wanted me to go to another friends place, but after a long week, I just wanted, home. I was thinking, not of Jonathon, but Frank. The difference between them, the feelings between myself and them. I went on, had to email Frank. I hadn't in a while but thoughts just over ruled and an email was sent - Nothing rude, nothing accusatory, these were my words:
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Frank Lied & That Is It! Done!
It has been a week or so since my last entry. Life with Frank and myself is completely over. No chance of anything. Having a friend over on the weekend, confirmed that Frank has lied numerous times and I have no space in my life for liars. Rob(the ex) was a big liar and I had to delete him from my life and I did, same goes for Frank. Sad thing is I did fall in love and haven't fallen in love like that since I feel for Rob, 17 years back. It was a nice feeling while it lasted and looked like something was developing. But confirmation of deep lies has changed that. I can still see his sweet smile and our first meeting is burned in my brain, but think of lies, I cant continue.
My "international" friend started emailing Frank and he(my friend shared some, not all but some info with me) -
Frank told him that I did not disclose information about my situation with my ex, which is a complete lie. He said that I told of the exes cheating and our sex life situation AFTER the STD scare, lie,
He admitted to getting oral sex 12hrs before seeing me one day last August, when he had told me different. We got together 12 hours later and about 24 hours later is when he came to me showing me his "abrasion", telling my friend, that I was a suspect if it was an STD? That there were a few people he had to tell, apart from the gf who else? Other guys he was getting off with?
That I trashed his apt...I threw one glass of wine against the wall when he accused me of things that were not true as I have always been honest and upfront. There was more, but these are enough to let me know that I am worth so much more, so much better than John Frank Bentley! I will cherish some of the times, but hearing what I have heard from my friend, allot is just history and not as fun as it was when I lived it. The chapter is closed with no hope of a new start. He tells my friend that I have not picked up my things, so I have something to "hold on to", not true. Regardless of what possessions of mine he has, no matter what sentimental value they have to me, I don't want it back and it can be trashed, and this I mean. He has misunderstood so much of what I meant to say, or what I wrote that I cant be bothered to explain any further. He has his mind set and so do I. Frank lied and that is it! Done!
My "international" friend started emailing Frank and he(my friend shared some, not all but some info with me) -
Frank told him that I did not disclose information about my situation with my ex, which is a complete lie. He said that I told of the exes cheating and our sex life situation AFTER the STD scare, lie,
He admitted to getting oral sex 12hrs before seeing me one day last August, when he had told me different. We got together 12 hours later and about 24 hours later is when he came to me showing me his "abrasion", telling my friend, that I was a suspect if it was an STD? That there were a few people he had to tell, apart from the gf who else? Other guys he was getting off with?
That I trashed his apt...I threw one glass of wine against the wall when he accused me of things that were not true as I have always been honest and upfront. There was more, but these are enough to let me know that I am worth so much more, so much better than John Frank Bentley! I will cherish some of the times, but hearing what I have heard from my friend, allot is just history and not as fun as it was when I lived it. The chapter is closed with no hope of a new start. He tells my friend that I have not picked up my things, so I have something to "hold on to", not true. Regardless of what possessions of mine he has, no matter what sentimental value they have to me, I don't want it back and it can be trashed, and this I mean. He has misunderstood so much of what I meant to say, or what I wrote that I cant be bothered to explain any further. He has his mind set and so do I. Frank lied and that is it! Done!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
I Really Miss You....
Days have passed and I cant lie, I miss Frank, allot. I spent 2 weeks in a drunken oblivion, not being Franco, not wanting to feel anything. I decided the other day to buck up and try to move on. I knew it wouldn't be a long affair, for lack of a better word, but I fell for him and still care for him allot. Wish I could turn back the hands of time. I think of just laying in bed, my arm around him. him placing my hand on his belly, rubbing him. Hearing him tell me how much he likes that. Last night I just kept thinking of someone else in my place at his home. Sitting there with him, talking, drinking, playing, laughing - It made me sad and brought me to tears a few times. Ive done enough harm in his eyes to not miss me I'm sure. I sent him a confessional email on Sunday telling him allot of what I said or did was booze induced and have come to realize my mistakes. He wrote back and said, "Thanks for your honesty" - This morning being Valentine's Day, I wrote a one liner. I put, Happy Valentines Day in the subject line and in the body, just, "Just wanted to say..." and left it at that. I'm not sure I will get any kind of response. I'm not into VD day, but would have been fun to hang around him on VD day, if only for the fun of it all. The thought of meeting someone is so off for me. I, like I said, miss him so much and hope one day we can reconnect, this I told him in the email on Sunday. I will try and carry on one day at a time. Hope I can be distracted enough to not break down....I really miss you -
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Let's See If He Carries On,,,,
Last night Frank harassed me with constant emails -
He is now concerned that I get my stuff and that he wont be putting them in the bin? I asked why the change of heart, not giving a shit one day and then not wanting it to end up in the bin? I told him that he told me weeks ago that it was all in the garbage, so to me its been lost since then, and don't care for it anymore. I told him I don't want to be anywhere near him or his home. That his type of promiscuous cross dressing, lying, alcoholic kinda guy isn't one I want to know or be anywhere near. He kept saying I was in my twisted state? I was stone sober yesterday and was clear headed when I wrote my emails back. He kept calling me "Little One" - I told him that he was the little "one" with his 5 inch dick. I told him at one point I felt strong enough for him that I would have taken a bullet, I was so in love with him - Today?? Id piss on him should he get killed in front of my eyes. I told him that I was making the decision to NOT have any kind of friendship. I could tell by his writing that he was drunk, but then again he always is when he is home. He told me that my work would love my next assault charge?? Hes fucked up. I went on to call the police and explain my situation - How I had emails and screen caps of his harassing me and was told by the officer to keep it all, and I will. I sent a final email to Frank and included photos he had sent me, showing him that I retrieved them from my trash and he is not one to dictate anything in my life! I told him I regret meeting him and wasting my time with him. I really do, If I knew back then that this would happen, that he was a CL whore, I would have stopped after the one coffee date we had. I told him he was pathetic and had a dead end job and less of a future - The man is pathetic clump of closet case cells. Hetero by winter, Homo by summer - what the fuck is he on about? Totally messed up for someone so educated -
I truly despise Mr Bentley!!
Lets see if he carries on...
He is now concerned that I get my stuff and that he wont be putting them in the bin? I asked why the change of heart, not giving a shit one day and then not wanting it to end up in the bin? I told him that he told me weeks ago that it was all in the garbage, so to me its been lost since then, and don't care for it anymore. I told him I don't want to be anywhere near him or his home. That his type of promiscuous cross dressing, lying, alcoholic kinda guy isn't one I want to know or be anywhere near. He kept saying I was in my twisted state? I was stone sober yesterday and was clear headed when I wrote my emails back. He kept calling me "Little One" - I told him that he was the little "one" with his 5 inch dick. I told him at one point I felt strong enough for him that I would have taken a bullet, I was so in love with him - Today?? Id piss on him should he get killed in front of my eyes. I told him that I was making the decision to NOT have any kind of friendship. I could tell by his writing that he was drunk, but then again he always is when he is home. He told me that my work would love my next assault charge?? Hes fucked up. I went on to call the police and explain my situation - How I had emails and screen caps of his harassing me and was told by the officer to keep it all, and I will. I sent a final email to Frank and included photos he had sent me, showing him that I retrieved them from my trash and he is not one to dictate anything in my life! I told him I regret meeting him and wasting my time with him. I really do, If I knew back then that this would happen, that he was a CL whore, I would have stopped after the one coffee date we had. I told him he was pathetic and had a dead end job and less of a future - The man is pathetic clump of closet case cells. Hetero by winter, Homo by summer - what the fuck is he on about? Totally messed up for someone so educated -
I truly despise Mr Bentley!!
Lets see if he carries on...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
How Wrong Was I???
Ive finally realize that Frank want to be in control of this friendship -
I don't play that way and basically told him to get lost. That his kind of people are not my kind of people. I don't associate with people who slut around on sites, hook ups and people like that and that's how Frank is. He insists that I go pick up my stuff, I told him to trash it, that I will claim it as a loss. He tried the guilt trip on me saying how one day my niece will look down on me basically for letting the bracelet go. I told him I will explain and she will understand how I met an idiot who took me for a ride. I still have the necklace and will cherish that. He wont leave me alone. I forwarded an email he sent me when we first met where HE tells me he wants to be with me, wake up with me, have me over for dinner - He wrote back, "Lovely" I told him it was his crap, his words I meant that were crap. I told him I was done with him and I chose not to be friends with him, that I retrieved all his photos and vids etc, that there I no need for me to listen to what he wants me to do, who is he to tell me? So screw it - He kept asking if I was done I assume in regards to my conversation and I just replied with, "yup"...it was over, I go off line and he went on to send one saying, his only wish is that I be happy - I wrote, whatever, then later on he said, "good night dickhead" - I wrote back this morning, same to you -
I at one point, earlier in the day wrote and said, that there were signs that I should have picked up on earlier on in the friendship that should have been signs to walk away. That his lying is what tainted the friendship. His telling me of unsafe sex and the fact that he told me he wasn't meeting others when he was. He said I was judging- I told him I wasn't, it is what happened and I should have taken those hints and walked away before falling for him - My mistake. At this point he just repulses me the same way Rob does. He is that kind of guy. He told me I don't have to guess/inquire or care whether he meets up etc - and I don't, not know, but while were "hanging " around together, constantly, it was my business whether he liked it or not we were physical with each other so I had every right - I told him I was making the call to end any friendship with him, that things will never be the same and how I wasted the last 7-8 months for nothing in the end. He went on to say, your welcome then for what you rec'd, learned and enjoyed, and then quoted me saying, I fucked and threw it all away, that I cant face myself and be friends blah. I asked what I rec'd? An std scare? Sucking his cock when he told me he wasn't hooking up when in fact he was and putting me potentially in harms way? I said that he rec'd from me, with not wanting anything in return, that I did things out of the goodness of my heart - I gave him money, pot, tickets to theatre shows, passes to exhibits he wanted to go to, the knife I bought and more...that he now makes me feel like a shit and I don't need that in my life. How words like, "you are not welcome in my home" are truly offensive and I'm done. I truly dislike him for what he has done - Yea I fell in love, but with a selfish, irresponsible immature guy. Not the first time, but thought this one was different - How wrong was I??
I don't play that way and basically told him to get lost. That his kind of people are not my kind of people. I don't associate with people who slut around on sites, hook ups and people like that and that's how Frank is. He insists that I go pick up my stuff, I told him to trash it, that I will claim it as a loss. He tried the guilt trip on me saying how one day my niece will look down on me basically for letting the bracelet go. I told him I will explain and she will understand how I met an idiot who took me for a ride. I still have the necklace and will cherish that. He wont leave me alone. I forwarded an email he sent me when we first met where HE tells me he wants to be with me, wake up with me, have me over for dinner - He wrote back, "Lovely" I told him it was his crap, his words I meant that were crap. I told him I was done with him and I chose not to be friends with him, that I retrieved all his photos and vids etc, that there I no need for me to listen to what he wants me to do, who is he to tell me? So screw it - He kept asking if I was done I assume in regards to my conversation and I just replied with, "yup"...it was over, I go off line and he went on to send one saying, his only wish is that I be happy - I wrote, whatever, then later on he said, "good night dickhead" - I wrote back this morning, same to you -
I at one point, earlier in the day wrote and said, that there were signs that I should have picked up on earlier on in the friendship that should have been signs to walk away. That his lying is what tainted the friendship. His telling me of unsafe sex and the fact that he told me he wasn't meeting others when he was. He said I was judging- I told him I wasn't, it is what happened and I should have taken those hints and walked away before falling for him - My mistake. At this point he just repulses me the same way Rob does. He is that kind of guy. He told me I don't have to guess/inquire or care whether he meets up etc - and I don't, not know, but while were "hanging " around together, constantly, it was my business whether he liked it or not we were physical with each other so I had every right - I told him I was making the call to end any friendship with him, that things will never be the same and how I wasted the last 7-8 months for nothing in the end. He went on to say, your welcome then for what you rec'd, learned and enjoyed, and then quoted me saying, I fucked and threw it all away, that I cant face myself and be friends blah. I asked what I rec'd? An std scare? Sucking his cock when he told me he wasn't hooking up when in fact he was and putting me potentially in harms way? I said that he rec'd from me, with not wanting anything in return, that I did things out of the goodness of my heart - I gave him money, pot, tickets to theatre shows, passes to exhibits he wanted to go to, the knife I bought and more...that he now makes me feel like a shit and I don't need that in my life. How words like, "you are not welcome in my home" are truly offensive and I'm done. I truly dislike him for what he has done - Yea I fell in love, but with a selfish, irresponsible immature guy. Not the first time, but thought this one was different - How wrong was I??
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Lets See Where This Goes....Again.
Funny that this blog, in my "bookmarks" falls under the "fun" folder? The last thing Ive had over the last few days is, fun. Ive busied myself with things to not dwell or continually think of Frank. It works sometimes, but we do have daily email communications -
I'm trying to rectify things with Frank and I. I'm not sure what that could mean? I want a friendship, but honestly wish I could have more. People always tell me I deserve better, someone who is only interested in, "Franco" and no one else when it comes to the "romantic" side of life. I agree, and wished and hoped Frank was that person. I told him in an email earlier in the week, that if I could, if it we re possible Id want the same situation as we had last summer. It was so nice getting to know one another, spending the days and evening together when time permitted. That was probably when I was last, at my "happiest." Those days of Frank asking to come over, telling me he can come over but would have to spend the night are gone. Things have changed for the worst...to the point that when he has had a few cocktails it seems there could be a possibility of something, some form of friendship, then when totally sober he tells me to take responsibility for my actions. I am trying to prove to him I'm not the hater he may think I am. In one email communication I said that he should at least apologise to me for certain things, to which his response was, "i have apologizes" so I need to take his word. Some recollections of evenings past are a little different when recounts them, but at the same time I don't like being, sternly spoken to, in any situation and that he has done and it worries me that he wont forgive or forget. He tells me he doesn't hate me, he has respect for me and that he is just disappointed and I agreed with him, that I too am disappointed. As Ive said in many entries, I haven't bothered to meet any other guys, if only cuz Ive enjoyed my time with Frank and why look for something when Ive found pretty much what I was looking for? Talk of the "one guy" was brought up again, but then Frank went on that trip of how he never made advances to me and that he let me do certain things or let certain things happen and that to me is insulting, made me feel like a slag and I'm not, like I'm desperate and I'm not. He is the one continually meeting guys for "relief" not me. Problem I think now I will always see him that way. When Rob pulled his funny ones as well as Jonathon, it was done and I couldn't look past the cheating. Frank hasn't cheated as we aren't a couple, but thought we had an agreement. Obviously we agreed to different things and I can only blame myself for being naive that way. A man who tells me he is always horny and gets off with me every few weeks or so, should have indicated that he must be getting off with others, whether it be a bj or hd or j/o or all the way...Not my business I guess. Last night we were yakking all day/afternoon. I was going over to my parents place and thought to bring him his hoodie...I went there first, called, no answer, rang the bell, no answer. I saw the car there and assumed he was home. He says he wasn't but he could have been, just ignoring me, I don't know and never will. I left his hoodie on the door knob, hoping it wouldn't disappear. I called and told him I had left the hoodie there, on his voice mail. Then I tried his other number as I wasn't sure which I called, mobile or land line. I lingered a bit thinking he was busy when the doorbell rang, no answer, I left. Fearing he wouldn't get it, I emailed him, telling him what I did. When he responded to that he said that I was "bizarre" that I could have grabbed my stuff at the same time. I mentioned something about a final hug...the conversation began. I told him how it was a last minute decision to drop it off so there was no time to make an arrangement and at the same time to show him, I am not that much of an asshole. He at the same time has been hanging on to my stuff, not throwing them away as he keeps threatening or telling me. Talks of my "coming to terms with myself", "taking care of responsibility" - I mentioned the lost bracelet, he said he wouldn't apologize for that as I was tearing his apt apart? I threw one glass against the wall, in turn he tossed the bag out the window. He said why would I leave something of value to me in my bag and I went on to tell him how I always removed rings/bracelets before I went over and put them in my bag. He said he would check and apparently he did and didn't find. I told him, it was OK and that it was a thing of the past. I kept trying to see from him, make him let me know if we could have something?? He dodged that question most of the time. He told me to remove all files of him to start which I told him, I did, the other day. Near the end of my day at the old folks place, I got no word about us and emailed pretty much saying, "you don't want any kind of friendship?" no answer - On route to the subway, he wrote and told me he was taking a bath and was then going to watch the hockey game - I wrote from the subway that I was leaving my parents place...and then asked if he wanted to talk in person - no answer - At 4am he wrote back, as I had mis-spelled a word therefore the sentence made no sense. I wrote this morning saying that he either got up too early or went to bed real late, and explained what it was, that I was trying to say and sent it on -
I'm not sure what today will bring in regards to our email communication. I said last night, to myself, that I wouldn't email him but being on automatic, I responded to that email as it was a question - The next communication will be from him at some point.I don't know what to think of this situation. I told him how we spent so much time together the last few months, that I think he is wonderful, and I do with the exception of the hook up scene. He is constantly on CL, I know he is..so that side disgusts me. Regardless its hard to tear apart from him when we did have so much fun....I'm not sure...Lets see where this goes...Again -
x
I'm trying to rectify things with Frank and I. I'm not sure what that could mean? I want a friendship, but honestly wish I could have more. People always tell me I deserve better, someone who is only interested in, "Franco" and no one else when it comes to the "romantic" side of life. I agree, and wished and hoped Frank was that person. I told him in an email earlier in the week, that if I could, if it we re possible Id want the same situation as we had last summer. It was so nice getting to know one another, spending the days and evening together when time permitted. That was probably when I was last, at my "happiest." Those days of Frank asking to come over, telling me he can come over but would have to spend the night are gone. Things have changed for the worst...to the point that when he has had a few cocktails it seems there could be a possibility of something, some form of friendship, then when totally sober he tells me to take responsibility for my actions. I am trying to prove to him I'm not the hater he may think I am. In one email communication I said that he should at least apologise to me for certain things, to which his response was, "i have apologizes" so I need to take his word. Some recollections of evenings past are a little different when recounts them, but at the same time I don't like being, sternly spoken to, in any situation and that he has done and it worries me that he wont forgive or forget. He tells me he doesn't hate me, he has respect for me and that he is just disappointed and I agreed with him, that I too am disappointed. As Ive said in many entries, I haven't bothered to meet any other guys, if only cuz Ive enjoyed my time with Frank and why look for something when Ive found pretty much what I was looking for? Talk of the "one guy" was brought up again, but then Frank went on that trip of how he never made advances to me and that he let me do certain things or let certain things happen and that to me is insulting, made me feel like a slag and I'm not, like I'm desperate and I'm not. He is the one continually meeting guys for "relief" not me. Problem I think now I will always see him that way. When Rob pulled his funny ones as well as Jonathon, it was done and I couldn't look past the cheating. Frank hasn't cheated as we aren't a couple, but thought we had an agreement. Obviously we agreed to different things and I can only blame myself for being naive that way. A man who tells me he is always horny and gets off with me every few weeks or so, should have indicated that he must be getting off with others, whether it be a bj or hd or j/o or all the way...Not my business I guess. Last night we were yakking all day/afternoon. I was going over to my parents place and thought to bring him his hoodie...I went there first, called, no answer, rang the bell, no answer. I saw the car there and assumed he was home. He says he wasn't but he could have been, just ignoring me, I don't know and never will. I left his hoodie on the door knob, hoping it wouldn't disappear. I called and told him I had left the hoodie there, on his voice mail. Then I tried his other number as I wasn't sure which I called, mobile or land line. I lingered a bit thinking he was busy when the doorbell rang, no answer, I left. Fearing he wouldn't get it, I emailed him, telling him what I did. When he responded to that he said that I was "bizarre" that I could have grabbed my stuff at the same time. I mentioned something about a final hug...the conversation began. I told him how it was a last minute decision to drop it off so there was no time to make an arrangement and at the same time to show him, I am not that much of an asshole. He at the same time has been hanging on to my stuff, not throwing them away as he keeps threatening or telling me. Talks of my "coming to terms with myself", "taking care of responsibility" - I mentioned the lost bracelet, he said he wouldn't apologize for that as I was tearing his apt apart? I threw one glass against the wall, in turn he tossed the bag out the window. He said why would I leave something of value to me in my bag and I went on to tell him how I always removed rings/bracelets before I went over and put them in my bag. He said he would check and apparently he did and didn't find. I told him, it was OK and that it was a thing of the past. I kept trying to see from him, make him let me know if we could have something?? He dodged that question most of the time. He told me to remove all files of him to start which I told him, I did, the other day. Near the end of my day at the old folks place, I got no word about us and emailed pretty much saying, "you don't want any kind of friendship?" no answer - On route to the subway, he wrote and told me he was taking a bath and was then going to watch the hockey game - I wrote from the subway that I was leaving my parents place...and then asked if he wanted to talk in person - no answer - At 4am he wrote back, as I had mis-spelled a word therefore the sentence made no sense. I wrote this morning saying that he either got up too early or went to bed real late, and explained what it was, that I was trying to say and sent it on -
I'm not sure what today will bring in regards to our email communication. I said last night, to myself, that I wouldn't email him but being on automatic, I responded to that email as it was a question - The next communication will be from him at some point.I don't know what to think of this situation. I told him how we spent so much time together the last few months, that I think he is wonderful, and I do with the exception of the hook up scene. He is constantly on CL, I know he is..so that side disgusts me. Regardless its hard to tear apart from him when we did have so much fun....I'm not sure...Lets see where this goes...Again -
x
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)