Yup, I Did and Regret It All...

Last night after work I went for dinner with a co worker, then met up with a friend at the local watering hole across the road. While there I saw Jonathon. It wasn't anything special,. I just hadn't seen him in a long time, and hated seeing him, but was proud at myself for not really caring that he was in the same venue and carried on with my evening. My friends wanted me to go to another friends place, but after a long week, I just wanted, home. I was thinking, not of Jonathon, but Frank. The difference between them, the feelings between myself and them. I went on, had to email Frank. I hadn't in a while but thoughts just over ruled and an email was sent - Nothing rude, nothing accusatory, these were my words:

Hey Frank

Weeks have passed,. More with non communication –

I am trying to move on, and glad that I am and have, at least trying.

You were so different in my sheltered life and enjoyed it and wished more but that wasn’t to be. My words hurt you and your actions hurt me – that was never meant to be like that.

You have a different life than what I thought, and wished to share it with you. I cant speak no more of what went on, what went wrong. For 5 months before it all went wrong, u were my everything and wished only the best for you, spending so much time with you – now I miss you after all that I did wrong and, maybe what I feel went wrong. Talking to my friend who had spoken to you, and me, at the same time, I never ever wished it to come to this. This u have to believe. I may never hear from you ever again, but I cared so much for you. No you didn’t fall in love with me, I hear that, understand that, but u meant so much to me, do u understand?? Does it make sense. I saw that guy tonight who got me in trouble the year before and see the difference between him and you. I give a shit about you! I want u in my life. I am scared but want u in my life.. I know its not possible but I have a glimmer of hope. All I have is hope. You said to my friend how I don’t even know my way around the city, that is the life I lived before before being single and I tried to change that. And am trying, hence going with you to the island etc, taking him around, and back to the island... I never meant harm, and the look you had when we first met, outside my place is burned in my memory, talking to you so insecure, not knowing what would happen between u and me…so naive, so innocent. I hope only happiness for you but so wished I was part of something with you. You exploring things was sweet to me as u shared them with me and so on. I felt special; then because you hadn’t with anyone else. Why me? I was flattered that you could share those things, and I was accepting, I'm so lonely, not in a physical way, in a person to person way, there is such a void in my life. How 2 people could spend that much time together are not, now, feel a void, is or makes no sense. I am and will send this without hesitation and wish hope, and dream that one day you will respond, I know you don’t like or care of “franco” no more .I, never, ever, in a million years would have wished this on you or me – I miss you tremendously in more than one way. Talking and laughing is not the same, I know I have said and done awful things. You know, I'm not a bad person, I m someone who is confused, maybe hurt, maybe naive, but not mean.

I hope to maybe hear from you – if not I have no choice to know, I will never have you in my life, and that I should look at our time together and keep that as a memory –

You can let me know, but I think we had a good foundation to possibly a great friendship, all my bullshit aside –

I miss you and that’s it.. I miss you

Franco

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He wrote back:

Date: Sat, 25 Feb 2012 00:01:27 -0500

Look, Franco, I can tell you that I received your email...

But I cannot respond to it. You have made it clear that it is unsafe for me to do that.

I won't wish you all the best, because you don't like that, but I DO wish you all the best.

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That was it -
I went on to read my blog as that is something i never do. I cried allot as I went through entry after entry, remembering things as they happened, both good and bad. There truly is nothing between us and never will be. This breaks my heart, breaks my spirit. He is getting on better than I am and it shows. I wish I could delete everything and start over with him. Stories of us being together, from the entries, actions between us, were so nice to remember, to think back to those days. So many misunderstandings, so many "firsts" for both of us and then I shattered it all. I could have dealt with things differently, talked more about it as opposed to slandering, judging, feeling a fool and so on. I don't think Frank ever meant any harm, maybe didn't realise what he did to me that cause me to flip out, but the flip out is what shouldn't have happened, we could have talked as we had in the past. This is a hard one to get over and I blame myself and hope to not repeat this. I have one pic of Frank, I showed it to a friend and she commented on how good looking he was. There was the looks and a fantastic personality behind that smile and Ive lost it. He said a while ago, "You fucked it up" - Yup I did and regret it all...
x