Lets See Where This Goes....Again.

Funny that this blog, in my "bookmarks" falls under the "fun" folder? The last thing Ive had over the last few days is, fun. Ive busied myself with things to not dwell or continually think of Frank. It works sometimes, but we do have daily email communications -
I'm trying to rectify things with Frank and I. I'm not sure what that could mean? I want a friendship, but honestly wish I could have more. People always tell me I deserve better, someone who is only interested in, "Franco" and no one else when it comes to the "romantic" side of life. I agree, and wished and hoped Frank was that person. I told him in an email earlier in the week, that if I could, if it we re possible Id want the same situation as we had last summer. It was so nice getting to know one another, spending the days and evening together when time permitted. That was probably when I was last, at my "happiest." Those days of Frank asking to come over, telling me he can come over but would have to spend the night are gone. Things have changed for the worst...to the point that when he has had a few cocktails it seems there could be a possibility of something, some form of friendship, then when totally sober he tells me to take responsibility for my actions. I am trying to prove to him I'm not the hater he may think I am. In one email communication I said that he should at least apologise to me for certain things, to which his response was, "i have apologizes" so I need to take his word. Some recollections of evenings past are a little different when recounts them, but at the same time I don't like being, sternly spoken to, in any situation and that he has done and it worries me that he wont forgive or forget. He tells me he doesn't hate me, he has respect for me and that he is just disappointed and I agreed with him, that I too am disappointed. As Ive said in many entries, I haven't bothered to meet any other guys, if only cuz Ive enjoyed my time with Frank and why look for something when Ive found pretty much what I was looking for? Talk of the "one guy" was brought up again, but then Frank went on that trip of how he never made advances to me and that he let me do certain things or let certain things happen and that to me is insulting, made me feel like a slag and I'm not, like I'm desperate and I'm not. He is the one continually meeting guys for "relief" not me. Problem I think now I will always see him that way. When Rob pulled his funny ones as well as Jonathon, it was done and I couldn't look past the cheating. Frank hasn't cheated as we aren't a couple, but thought we had an agreement. Obviously we agreed to different things and I can only blame myself for being naive that way. A man who tells me he is always horny and gets off with me every few weeks or so, should have indicated that he must be getting off with others, whether it be a bj or hd or j/o or all the way...Not my business I guess. Last night we were yakking all day/afternoon. I was going over to my parents place and thought to bring him his hoodie...I went there first, called, no answer, rang the bell, no answer. I saw the car there and assumed he was home. He says he wasn't but he could have been, just ignoring me, I don't know and never will. I left his hoodie on the door knob, hoping it wouldn't disappear. I called and told him I had left the hoodie there, on his voice mail. Then I tried his other number as I wasn't sure which I called, mobile or land line. I lingered a bit thinking he was busy when the doorbell rang, no answer, I left. Fearing he wouldn't get it, I emailed him, telling him what I did. When he responded to that he said that I was "bizarre" that I could have grabbed my stuff at the same time. I mentioned something about a final hug...the conversation began. I told him how it was a last minute decision to drop it off so there was no time to make an arrangement and at the same time to show him, I am not that much of an asshole. He at the same time has been hanging on to my stuff, not throwing them away as he keeps threatening or telling me. Talks of my "coming to terms with myself", "taking care of responsibility" - I mentioned the lost bracelet, he said he wouldn't apologize for that as I was tearing his apt apart? I threw one glass against the wall, in turn he tossed the bag out the window. He said why would I leave something of value to me in my bag and I went on to tell him how I always removed rings/bracelets before I went over and put them in my bag. He said he would check and apparently he did and didn't find. I told him, it was OK and that it was a thing of the past. I kept trying to see from him, make him let me know if we could have something?? He dodged that question most of the time. He told me to remove all files of him to start which I told him, I did, the other day. Near the end of my day at the old folks place, I got no word about us and emailed pretty much saying, "you don't want any kind of friendship?" no answer - On route to the subway, he wrote and told me he was taking a bath and was then going to watch the hockey game - I wrote from the subway that I was leaving my parents place...and then asked if he wanted to talk in person - no answer - At 4am he wrote back, as I had mis-spelled a word therefore the sentence made no sense. I wrote this morning saying that he either got up too early or went to bed real late, and explained what it was, that I was trying to say and sent it on -
I'm not sure what today will bring in regards to our email communication. I said last night, to myself, that I wouldn't email him but being on automatic, I responded to that email as it was a question - The next communication will be from him at some point.I don't know what to think of this situation. I told him how we spent so much time together the last few months, that I think he is wonderful, and I do with the exception of the hook up scene. He is constantly on CL, I know he is..so that side disgusts me. Regardless its hard to tear apart from him when we did have so much fun....I'm not sure...Lets see where this goes...Again -
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