Yup, I Did and Regret It All...

Last night after work I went for dinner with a co worker, then met up with a friend at the local watering hole across the road. While there I saw Jonathon. It wasn't anything special,. I just hadn't seen him in a long time, and hated seeing him, but was proud at myself for not really caring that he was in the same venue and carried on with my evening. My friends wanted me to go to another friends place, but after a long week, I just wanted, home. I was thinking, not of Jonathon, but Frank. The difference between them, the feelings between myself and them. I went on, had to email Frank. I hadn't in a while but thoughts just over ruled and an email was sent - Nothing rude, nothing accusatory, these were my words:

Hey Frank

Weeks have passed,. More with non communication –

I am trying to move on, and glad that I am and have, at least trying.

You were so different in my sheltered life and enjoyed it and wished more but that wasn’t to be. My words hurt you and your actions hurt me – that was never meant to be like that.

You have a different life than what I thought, and wished to share it with you. I cant speak no more of what went on, what went wrong. For 5 months before it all went wrong, u were my everything and wished only the best for you, spending so much time with you – now I miss you after all that I did wrong and, maybe what I feel went wrong. Talking to my friend who had spoken to you, and me, at the same time, I never ever wished it to come to this. This u have to believe. I may never hear from you ever again, but I cared so much for you. No you didn’t fall in love with me, I hear that, understand that, but u meant so much to me, do u understand?? Does it make sense. I saw that guy tonight who got me in trouble the year before and see the difference between him and you. I give a shit about you! I want u in my life. I am scared but want u in my life.. I know its not possible but I have a glimmer of hope. All I have is hope. You said to my friend how I don’t even know my way around the city, that is the life I lived before before being single and I tried to change that. And am trying, hence going with you to the island etc, taking him around, and back to the island... I never meant harm, and the look you had when we first met, outside my place is burned in my memory, talking to you so insecure, not knowing what would happen between u and me…so naive, so innocent. I hope only happiness for you but so wished I was part of something with you. You exploring things was sweet to me as u shared them with me and so on. I felt special; then because you hadn’t with anyone else. Why me? I was flattered that you could share those things, and I was accepting, I'm so lonely, not in a physical way, in a person to person way, there is such a void in my life. How 2 people could spend that much time together are not, now, feel a void, is or makes no sense. I am and will send this without hesitation and wish hope, and dream that one day you will respond, I know you don’t like or care of “franco” no more .I, never, ever, in a million years would have wished this on you or me – I miss you tremendously in more than one way. Talking and laughing is not the same, I know I have said and done awful things. You know, I'm not a bad person, I m someone who is confused, maybe hurt, maybe naive, but not mean.

I hope to maybe hear from you – if not I have no choice to know, I will never have you in my life, and that I should look at our time together and keep that as a memory –

You can let me know, but I think we had a good foundation to possibly a great friendship, all my bullshit aside –

I miss you and that’s it.. I miss you

Franco

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He wrote back:

Date: Sat, 25 Feb 2012 00:01:27 -0500

Look, Franco, I can tell you that I received your email...

But I cannot respond to it. You have made it clear that it is unsafe for me to do that.

I won't wish you all the best, because you don't like that, but I DO wish you all the best.

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That was it -
I went on to read my blog as that is something i never do. I cried allot as I went through entry after entry, remembering things as they happened, both good and bad. There truly is nothing between us and never will be. This breaks my heart, breaks my spirit. He is getting on better than I am and it shows. I wish I could delete everything and start over with him. Stories of us being together, from the entries, actions between us, were so nice to remember, to think back to those days. So many misunderstandings, so many "firsts" for both of us and then I shattered it all. I could have dealt with things differently, talked more about it as opposed to slandering, judging, feeling a fool and so on. I don't think Frank ever meant any harm, maybe didn't realise what he did to me that cause me to flip out, but the flip out is what shouldn't have happened, we could have talked as we had in the past. This is a hard one to get over and I blame myself and hope to not repeat this. I have one pic of Frank, I showed it to a friend and she commented on how good looking he was. There was the looks and a fantastic personality behind that smile and Ive lost it. He said a while ago, "You fucked it up" - Yup I did and regret it all...
x

Frank Lied & That Is It! Done!

It has been a week or so since my last entry. Life with Frank and myself is completely over. No chance of anything. Having a friend over on the weekend, confirmed that Frank has lied numerous times and I have no space in my life for liars. Rob(the ex) was a big liar and I had to delete him from my life and I did, same goes for Frank. Sad thing is I did fall in love and haven't fallen in love like that since I feel for Rob, 17 years back. It was a nice feeling while it lasted and looked like something was developing. But confirmation of deep lies has changed that. I can still see his sweet smile and our first meeting is burned in my brain, but think of lies, I cant continue.
My "international" friend started emailing Frank and he(my friend shared some, not all but some info with me) -
Frank told him that I did not disclose information about my situation with my ex, which is a complete lie. He said that I told of the exes cheating and our sex life situation AFTER the STD scare, lie,
He admitted to getting oral sex 12hrs before seeing me one day last August, when he had told me different. We got together 12 hours later and about 24 hours later is when he came to me showing me his "abrasion", telling my friend, that I was a suspect if it was an STD? That there were a few people he had to tell, apart from the gf who else? Other guys he was getting off with?
That I trashed his apt...I threw one glass of wine against the wall when he accused me of things that were not true as I have always been honest and upfront. There was more, but these are enough to let me know that I am worth so much more, so much better than John Frank Bentley! I will cherish some of the times, but hearing what I have heard from my friend, allot is just history and not as fun as it was when I lived it. The chapter is closed with no hope of a new start. He tells my friend that I have not picked up my things, so I have something to "hold on to", not true. Regardless of what possessions of mine he has, no matter what sentimental value they have to me, I don't want it back and it can be trashed, and this I mean. He has misunderstood so much of what I meant to say, or what I wrote that I cant be bothered to explain any further. He has his mind set and so do I. Frank lied and that is it! Done!

I Really Miss You....

Days have passed and I cant lie, I miss Frank, allot. I spent 2 weeks in a drunken oblivion, not being Franco, not wanting to feel anything. I decided the other day to buck up and try to move on. I knew it wouldn't be a long affair, for lack of a better word, but I fell for him and still care for him allot. Wish I could turn back the hands of time. I think of just laying in bed, my arm around him. him placing my hand on his belly, rubbing him. Hearing him tell me how much he likes that. Last night I just kept thinking of someone else in my place at his home. Sitting there with him, talking, drinking, playing, laughing - It made me sad and brought me to tears a few times. Ive done enough harm in his eyes to not miss me I'm sure. I sent him a confessional email on Sunday telling him allot of what I said or did was booze induced and have come to realize my mistakes. He wrote back and said, "Thanks for your honesty" - This morning being Valentine's Day, I wrote a one liner. I put, Happy Valentines Day in the subject line and in the body, just, "Just wanted to say..." and left it at that. I'm not sure I will get any kind of response. I'm not into VD day, but would have been fun to hang around him on VD day, if only for the fun of it all. The thought of meeting someone is so off for me. I, like I said, miss him so much and hope one day we can reconnect, this I told him in the email on Sunday. I will try and carry on one day at a time. Hope I can be distracted enough to not break down....I really miss you -

Let's See If He Carries On,,,,

Last night Frank harassed me with constant emails -
He is now concerned that I get my stuff and that he wont be putting them in the bin? I asked why the change of heart, not giving a shit one day and then not wanting it to end up in the bin? I told him that he told me weeks ago that it was all in the garbage, so to me its been lost since then, and don't care for it anymore. I told him I don't want to be anywhere near him or his home. That his type of promiscuous cross dressing, lying, alcoholic kinda guy isn't one I want to know or be anywhere near. He kept saying I was in my twisted state? I was stone sober yesterday and was clear headed when I wrote my emails back. He kept calling me "Little One" - I told him that he was the little "one" with his 5 inch dick. I told him at one point I felt strong enough for him that I would have taken a bullet, I was so in love with him - Today?? Id piss on him should he get killed in front of my eyes. I told him that I was making the decision to NOT have any kind of friendship. I could tell by his writing that he was drunk, but then again he always is when he is home. He told me that my work would love my next assault charge?? Hes fucked up. I went on to call the police and explain my situation - How I had emails and screen caps of his harassing me and was told by the officer to keep it all, and I will. I sent a final email to Frank and included photos he had sent me, showing him that I retrieved them from my trash and he is not one to dictate anything in my life! I told him I regret meeting him and wasting my time with him. I really do, If I knew back then that this would happen, that he was a CL whore, I would have stopped after the one coffee date we had. I told him he was pathetic and had a dead end job and less of a future - The man is pathetic clump of closet case cells. Hetero by winter, Homo by summer - what the fuck is he on about? Totally messed up for someone so educated -
I truly despise Mr Bentley!!
Lets see if he carries on...

How Wrong Was I???

Ive finally realize that Frank want to be in control of this friendship -
I don't play that way and basically told him to get lost. That his kind of people are not my kind of people. I don't associate with people who slut around on sites, hook ups and people like that and that's how Frank is. He insists that I go pick up my stuff, I told him to trash it, that I will claim it as a loss. He tried the guilt trip on me saying how one day my niece will look down on me basically for letting the bracelet go. I told him I will explain and she will understand how I met an idiot who took me for a ride. I still have the necklace and will cherish that. He wont leave me alone. I forwarded an email he sent me when we first met where HE tells me he wants to be with me, wake up with me, have me over for dinner - He wrote back, "Lovely" I told him it was his crap, his words I meant that were crap. I told him I was done with him and I chose not to be friends with him, that I retrieved all his photos and vids etc, that there I no need for me to listen to what he wants me to do, who is he to tell me? So screw it - He kept asking if I was done I assume in regards to my conversation and I just replied with, "yup"...it was over, I go off line and he went on to send one saying, his only wish is that I be happy - I wrote, whatever, then later on he said, "good night dickhead" - I wrote back this morning, same to you -
I at one point, earlier in the day wrote and said, that there were signs that I should have picked up on earlier on in the friendship that should have been signs to walk away. That his lying is what tainted the friendship. His telling me of unsafe sex and the fact that he told me he wasn't meeting others when he was. He said I was judging- I told him I wasn't, it is what happened and I should have taken those hints and walked away before falling for him - My mistake. At this point he just repulses me the same way Rob does. He is that kind of guy. He told me I don't have to guess/inquire or care whether he meets up etc - and I don't, not know, but while were "hanging " around together, constantly, it was my business whether he liked it or not we were physical with each other so I had every right - I told him I was making the call to end any friendship with him, that things will never be the same and how I wasted the last 7-8 months for nothing in the end. He went on to say, your welcome then for what you rec'd, learned and enjoyed, and then quoted me saying, I fucked and threw it all away, that I cant face myself and be friends blah. I asked what I rec'd? An std scare? Sucking his cock when he told me he wasn't hooking up when in fact he was and putting me potentially in harms way? I said that he rec'd from me, with not wanting anything in return, that I did things out of the goodness of my heart - I gave him money, pot, tickets to theatre shows, passes to exhibits he wanted to go to, the knife I bought and more...that he now makes me feel like a shit and I don't need that in my life. How words like, "you are not welcome in my home" are truly offensive and I'm done. I truly dislike him for what he has done - Yea I fell in love, but with a selfish, irresponsible immature guy. Not the first time, but thought this one was different - How wrong was I??

Lets See Where This Goes....Again.

Funny that this blog, in my "bookmarks" falls under the "fun" folder? The last thing Ive had over the last few days is, fun. Ive busied myself with things to not dwell or continually think of Frank. It works sometimes, but we do have daily email communications -
I'm trying to rectify things with Frank and I. I'm not sure what that could mean? I want a friendship, but honestly wish I could have more. People always tell me I deserve better, someone who is only interested in, "Franco" and no one else when it comes to the "romantic" side of life. I agree, and wished and hoped Frank was that person. I told him in an email earlier in the week, that if I could, if it we re possible Id want the same situation as we had last summer. It was so nice getting to know one another, spending the days and evening together when time permitted. That was probably when I was last, at my "happiest." Those days of Frank asking to come over, telling me he can come over but would have to spend the night are gone. Things have changed for the worst...to the point that when he has had a few cocktails it seems there could be a possibility of something, some form of friendship, then when totally sober he tells me to take responsibility for my actions. I am trying to prove to him I'm not the hater he may think I am. In one email communication I said that he should at least apologise to me for certain things, to which his response was, "i have apologizes" so I need to take his word. Some recollections of evenings past are a little different when recounts them, but at the same time I don't like being, sternly spoken to, in any situation and that he has done and it worries me that he wont forgive or forget. He tells me he doesn't hate me, he has respect for me and that he is just disappointed and I agreed with him, that I too am disappointed. As Ive said in many entries, I haven't bothered to meet any other guys, if only cuz Ive enjoyed my time with Frank and why look for something when Ive found pretty much what I was looking for? Talk of the "one guy" was brought up again, but then Frank went on that trip of how he never made advances to me and that he let me do certain things or let certain things happen and that to me is insulting, made me feel like a slag and I'm not, like I'm desperate and I'm not. He is the one continually meeting guys for "relief" not me. Problem I think now I will always see him that way. When Rob pulled his funny ones as well as Jonathon, it was done and I couldn't look past the cheating. Frank hasn't cheated as we aren't a couple, but thought we had an agreement. Obviously we agreed to different things and I can only blame myself for being naive that way. A man who tells me he is always horny and gets off with me every few weeks or so, should have indicated that he must be getting off with others, whether it be a bj or hd or j/o or all the way...Not my business I guess. Last night we were yakking all day/afternoon. I was going over to my parents place and thought to bring him his hoodie...I went there first, called, no answer, rang the bell, no answer. I saw the car there and assumed he was home. He says he wasn't but he could have been, just ignoring me, I don't know and never will. I left his hoodie on the door knob, hoping it wouldn't disappear. I called and told him I had left the hoodie there, on his voice mail. Then I tried his other number as I wasn't sure which I called, mobile or land line. I lingered a bit thinking he was busy when the doorbell rang, no answer, I left. Fearing he wouldn't get it, I emailed him, telling him what I did. When he responded to that he said that I was "bizarre" that I could have grabbed my stuff at the same time. I mentioned something about a final hug...the conversation began. I told him how it was a last minute decision to drop it off so there was no time to make an arrangement and at the same time to show him, I am not that much of an asshole. He at the same time has been hanging on to my stuff, not throwing them away as he keeps threatening or telling me. Talks of my "coming to terms with myself", "taking care of responsibility" - I mentioned the lost bracelet, he said he wouldn't apologize for that as I was tearing his apt apart? I threw one glass against the wall, in turn he tossed the bag out the window. He said why would I leave something of value to me in my bag and I went on to tell him how I always removed rings/bracelets before I went over and put them in my bag. He said he would check and apparently he did and didn't find. I told him, it was OK and that it was a thing of the past. I kept trying to see from him, make him let me know if we could have something?? He dodged that question most of the time. He told me to remove all files of him to start which I told him, I did, the other day. Near the end of my day at the old folks place, I got no word about us and emailed pretty much saying, "you don't want any kind of friendship?" no answer - On route to the subway, he wrote and told me he was taking a bath and was then going to watch the hockey game - I wrote from the subway that I was leaving my parents place...and then asked if he wanted to talk in person - no answer - At 4am he wrote back, as I had mis-spelled a word therefore the sentence made no sense. I wrote this morning saying that he either got up too early or went to bed real late, and explained what it was, that I was trying to say and sent it on -
I'm not sure what today will bring in regards to our email communication. I said last night, to myself, that I wouldn't email him but being on automatic, I responded to that email as it was a question - The next communication will be from him at some point.I don't know what to think of this situation. I told him how we spent so much time together the last few months, that I think he is wonderful, and I do with the exception of the hook up scene. He is constantly on CL, I know he is..so that side disgusts me. Regardless its hard to tear apart from him when we did have so much fun....I'm not sure...Lets see where this goes...Again -
x

Lies Right Til The End...

Last night after work I went for a bite to eat with a co worker. Headed out for a smoke I checked my email and found one from who? Yea, Frank. He was going on on how I show how sorry I am etc. Claiming I put ads on CL again, and so on. I told him that he had shown me all these emails from his CL whores and to call on one of them as I have no idea what he was on about. He went on to send me CL ad numbers, therefor confirming that he trolls CL, constantly and called him trash, as that he is, its unfortunate that I wasted my time and it took this long to realize. He said that he didn't throw out my scarf and shirt, once again another lie. I told him I still had his hoodie and that he could come pick it up. He said he would throw my stuff on some chair on his porch, but warned that things get stolen all the time, at that point I told him to just get rid of it and id do the same with the hoodie. At one point I sent a photo in error, meant for my friend Dean and accidentally sent it to Frank - then sent one with just "oops" in the subject line. He said something along the lines of "who was that" and I told him it was me and I got back. "too bad nice guy", I told him I still am, always was and always will be. He admitted nothing in regards to lying to me, he doesn't acknowledge anything about that but knows it is true and has no answer.
He went on about grabbing the rum, smokes and cigars I brought him from Cuba, I told him that they are his and he can do what he pleases. One email said that I didn't know him at all, and I shot back that he knows shit about me as well, that up until December past, he didn't even know my last name. Ive shown an ugly side to Frank and he doesn't understand, does not see and will never admit to being mean to me, an ugly side to him I too have seen. My friend who I went out to dinner with last night said to me, that, he threw me under the bus, by lying to police as well as Air Canada, therefor a friend he isn't and this I now realize. I was there almost everyday at one point cuz I care and like(d) this guy. Little did I know I meant nothing to him. When he needed to be orally serviced it was all good for him, he was selfish that way and again, this I now know. He once mentioned to me that he never approached me for sexual activity etc. I was so insulted at that and luckily have video of him, dancing around his apt, singing and gazing at me, then coming up to kiss me 3 and 4 times in a row. You hear nothing of me asking for a kiss or anything as I was watching him dance around and having a laugh at it, then HE comes up to me to kiss me. He was obviously drunk and has no recollection, but don't ever say that I was the only one to make advances, another flat out lie. I am sad it has ended as it has and have no desire to meet anyone for a long time. Frank knew I didn't want a fuck buddy, I don't do that. I am a good catholic boy, contrary to popular belief of Franks end, but I am. He doesn't get the head games he played with me. I will always admit Frank was very supportive of me. His lies on the other hand were not what I wanted. He used to email me wanting to come over constantly in the summer/fall last year. Wanting to go camping with me, to make me dinner, to wake up next to me...I have his emails confirming that. Since my ex, I have never opened my door to someone like I did with him and have now learned to never do it again. He claims he has no one over his place, that he has never "dressed up" in front of anyone, yet emails prove otherwise, and this is when I got confirmation that he was hooking up with other guys, if only for a blow job. When we had a conversation weeks before, that I cant go on if he meets others and I wanted to know, for my own protection, and he said he would, yet he lied. He treated me so well in the beginning, treating me like a special guy, like I was the "one" guy we spoke of. Not one guy like a boyfriend, but that "special" friend, I was OK with that. He tends to forget that he told me that he doesn't meet all kinds of guys and would like that "one" guy and was happy I found someone who wanted the same, he lied and manipulated me I think by sitting around my apt in a jock strap, grabbing my hand in my bed and sliding it down to his crotch as he woke up in the morning.
Theres lots more I will tell in another entry as this one seems scattered, but will sum up this friendship if another entry....

As nice as he was to me, allot of it was, lies, lies, lies right til the end.