This Guy Seems Different....

Well its nice to know my fella still wants to hang around - We had a chat on Saturday when he came over, but who remembers ha ha, both of us drinking and talking and no eating makes for a forgetful night and a massive hang over lol. But on the Sunday, we spent the day together. Headed out to Niagara Falls for the day, spent the whole day together. Nothing physical with the exception of rubbing my legs in the car. I think I have sort of set things straight, telling him I don't need nor do I want, "friends with benefits" or a "buddy". I have mentioned it a few times in the past few weeks. During our back and forth emails the other day, he said he didn't feel bad for anything that has happened, and actually feels quite the opposite. Enjoying my company and time together. He is a sweet man, an intelligent man and a fun guy to be around. I could be with him, if only for a few minutes, everyday. I love his smile and his beautiful eyes. I love the way he talks to me and encourages me. Making plans together is always fun, knowing we have another get together is an awesome feeling, the fact that he wants to still hang out. Ive asked about other men and women. I feel kinda nosy in asking that, but Ive told him I'm having feelings for him and the bull I went through with Rob and that it wasn't anything I ever wish to relive. A friend of mine once said that part of the long overdue, unhappiness I had and shared with Rob, is partly my fault. I was in love with him, fool that I was. I didn't know life without him. When expressing this to my fella, he doesn't give me any blame, rather understands where I'm coming from, so that's nice to hear. Waking up in bed together Sunday past was sort of maddening to me, but not him. He grabbed my hand/arm in bed and placed it on his stomach, telling me he likes it when I rub him there. Morning coffee was and is always nice. Coming home from the falls, we had a bite to eat and a drink or 2 - I questioned him immensely and am learning lots about him. Lots that I don't want to hear but that's an issue I have. I don't think he would hurt me and I have to see how our feelings grow towards each other - I maybe seeing him tomorrow and I look forward to it, that's for sure. I do miss him when I don't see him and await to hear from him first. Last night I sent pictures from our Sunday and that started a conversation. I said I didn't want to be the first to contact him. So this morning I just responded to last nights email that I missed and will leave it at that and see if he or when he contacts me today. I'm trying to enjoy this time with a new guy and see what comes of it. I'm willing to invest time as this guy seems different -
x

What Have I Done?

Well last night I decided to get on with my life, my nights, without this fella. I got home at about 9 or so, but I was getting emails from him while out for dinner and drinks and just wanted to go home once that started. I was afraid of getting emotional in front of my friend. Home I came and a little email chat began. He told me he wanted to talk in person and not via email, a good sign? I thanked him for getting back to me and not brushing me off, which honestly I didn't think he would do. He is a highly intelligent guy and the brush off like I thought, doesn't seem his character. At one point he he wrote, "Sorry you are feeling bad, but I am not." I'm not sure if that's in regards to "us", Ill have to find out I guess when we chat this out face to face. I did at one point say to him "Saturday night drinks and breakfast in the morning still" I got no response but he probably went to bed. I'm not going to lie, at this point I am nervous about seeing him. I wonder if his comments meant he didn't feel bad cuz he likes me? I need at this point to find out more about him. He said that when we met I was looking for a "good friend" but I guess I need to clarify that. Initially it was to look or find a cool guy to hang with, not sexually. It just sorta happened with this fella. I don't mind that its gone this way, but maybe I'm more invested than him. I need to find out about guys in his life? The woman in his life. What he wants from me?? Could he be with me? Does he want to be with me? Could he commit to one guy along with having his "mistress"?? I'm confused and at the same time relieved that he didn't cut me off. I'm thinking he may have work this morning and then head off to the island as it seems a nice day, so what? I wont see him til late tonight? I'm not sure but will keep u posted. I'm not going to lie, I am saddened by this turn of events as I didn't think Id feel anything for him. But then again, he is the one who kisses me and touches me, so I think he likes me to an extent? I cant just be a body to be next too. I saw the way he looked at me as I told some stories, he had this sweet look in his eyes, like he liked hearing my stories. I think he knows I'm a genuine guy, not a typical whorish fag - I'm not sure what to expect nor do I know what I have done??
x

Time Will Tell...

06:59pm, Incoming Email

OK its just too weird that as I hit on, "Publish Post", I get an email? WTF? Anyways, he thanked me for the "Lightshow", and the coffee. Telling me about his PC still seems fine but hes worried to shut it down and that it may need to "go for a drive every now and then". He went on to tell me that he works late tomorrow and Saturday morning, so it may not be the best wknd now. I wasn't surprised actually, kinda expected that in the back of my mind. Its Thursday and nothing booked. I will let him suggest it, if he wants that to happen. I have to back off, carry on with other people, keep plans. I will try and get ah old of who I actually had plans with and see if I can get together with her. I responded, very brief and to the point. I said to not worry about camping, and that sugar and cream, just for him. Sending that I feel like I was sorta "cunt-ish" but I cant be all ga ga by his plans. I will see if he writes again....
tick tock tick tock

07:21pm

In response to me telling him I bought a bit bottle of vodka and that he wanted to go the weekend after next, I'm OK with it. He response with, "I have everything for camping, don't worry about it" - "lets plan it together this wknd, Sunday morning good for you"? I just wrote, "Sure should be good."
I don't want to have this talk with him anymore, should he respond again, I will respond to any comments or questions, then tell him I had a really shitty day and that I was logging off. I don't want a back and forth tonight. In my mind, end the conversation now, go watch big brother, I need to catch up, and deal with him in the morning. Its me right now, not him. Its all good for him and docent know how I'm being affected. One last one before, its over for tonight.

07:45pm

I responded with, I'm cool to have him over to discuss future plans. Mention of the mistress again, hit a cord in me again which prompted a new email all on its own. I told him how I'm having feelings for him, starting too and don't want to get involved emotionally. How I still want to get together and hang out, do things etc, but that we have to keep it completely platonic. Was a short but sweet email, nothing harsh as I cant possibly at this time say anything of that nature.
I sent that once I realised he would probably be off line the rest of the night - We will see.

06:30am - Friday 26th of August

I know Frank wakes up at 6am, at least that is when his alarm goes off. We occasionally share the odd email in the morning. So far nothing. No response to the email I sent last night, or no good morning email. I'm not sure and hope I haven't insulted him or blown his ego? I know he usually hits the road around 7am, so there is still time to hear from him, but I also wont email him when I get home, just to see what he says. I, at this point, have put the ball in his court and have no choice but to await any kind of communication back. I hope I haven't destroyed a potentially good "friendship" - Time will tell -
x

What's To Come?

So last night Toronto was awaiting a few tornadoes and heavy winded storms.
Chatting with my fella, we were discussing camping and what not. He asked if I wanted him to come watch the storm with him, and I said, sure.
He entered the apt with his bag and went on to kiss me, 3 times on the lips, was sweet. Then he said he wanted to shower to which I said, Go right ahead...and he did. When all done, one of his favorite songs was playing...he grabbed me and hugged me, slow danced for a bit, in a fun manner, was cute. We went out on the balcony with a glass of wine and to see the storm approaching. At one point, and luckily before the heavier rains came, we went to grab some more wine. He told me to go, I told him to go. He told me how he doesn't really like walking up Church St. I said we would go together. He doesn't like being ogled and what not. I told him you cant avoid it around here ha ha. We went and came back, grabbed a seat on the balcony, and watch the storm. We both were in awe watching the crackling skies. When I would go in and out of the apt, to grab wine or cigarettes, he would try and cop a feel at me, grab me or fondle me. Each time I made it seem as if he wasn't to touch, although I do want that. We have had some sexual contact, a few times. We make out sometimes, but Ive learned, trying to hold back, being the one to make the move to kiss as I mentioned earlier. The night ended with us on the sofa, watching and talking...eventually off to bed. This morning we both awake earlier than our alarms, we snuggle a bit, he grabs the sheet and covers and tucks us in both for the next half hour so of sleep that we had. We get up, huddle on the sofa, having coffee and chat some more til its time to go. I mentioned in regards to the camping deal, if he wanted to come over tonight, we could look at sites. 98% of the time, he basically invites himself, and I'm good with that. Anyways, he said he couldn't, he was seeing, "The Mistress" as he called her, giggling...
That right there, sorta ruined my day.
We chatted a brief moment more, he threw on his shoes and off he went.
What am I to him? He feels ballsy enough to want to invite himself over. Hang out with me. Be affectionate towards me, comfortable enough to help him self to my shower and food in my fridge. Sleep in my bed, some sexual activity, though most of it seems, me to him if ya know what I mean. So I think this is my plan.
In regards to the cottage, this morning I sent an email to him. He had let a card of an Inn near the area of the campground we are looking at. I looked at the link, was a decent place, not sure what to expect, but Ill step out of my comfort zone. To see what could or may lead ahead. So I said it looked great, that I just want to get out of the city and spend some time with him, I told him to enjoy his evening with his gal pal, and that we would chat Friday. My intention is to leave that as my last email. I tend to think of things and send the odd email, apart from the thread we carry on. I normally would send a good morning email, I wont tomorrow. The latest Ive known him to work is about 7-ish, and would get a response, in and around that time. I wont bother responding should he send an email. I will in the morning. If there is nothing tonight, I think its safe to say, that the mistress and him do what, he and I do when we get a little tipsy, though I'm sure they will go the full 9 yards. I don't care to hear about it, nor is he one to brag. I will ask how it went, in email, maybe throw in a cheeky comment with the obvious, LOL. I will see what later on tonight and tomorrow bring.
He is a fun cute guy and I know, once again, he knows it. He isn't Johnny Depp, but his quirky personality and cute smile, nice eyes, and if u look at the physical, a great body for a man of his age. I know he chats to others, so do I...I don't look primarily for sex, I don't think he does either, he could troll, I don't know and I don't...I will try and find out, subtly, I hope. I feel as if I'm having feelings for him, but all we do is, get together at my place, have a few drink, kid around a bit, talk allot and tell stories. The conversation is good. Why the need to sleep in my bed with me? Take a shower with me? Spend the night in a tent with me? He says these things, but what are they, just words? Am I a one off in a string of "buddies"? These are all the thoughts that went thru my mind today. I felt as if I was on the verge of tears for the most part for the day. I am worth more, once again. I don't know if he is growing to like me more as I him? He couldn't dedicate the time of a full time partner. I need to find out if he could be with one man. I don't know if I can keep this going if he wants to just be "buddies" -
I bought myself a bottle of vodka, to float away this evening, I don't like feeling like that and don't want to any more tonight. I'm probably being sensitive he seems a sweet guy, in so many ways. He tells honest stories of days gone by etc, but purpose to do I serve and to what capacity.
Whats to come??

See It It Happens...

In a fun way way, my new "friendship" with this fella Ive been hanging around with is, different. I'm still trying to figure him out - I try not to make the first move on him which can and has been difficult at times ha - My favourite thing is waking up in the mornings with him. He has spent a few consecutive nights here and its always been fun. He did the "pop" in yesterday as I was out with a friend. My phone rang with someone in my lobby?? So I was a bit shocked but picked up as I was just down the road. It was him. I asked my friend who I was with on a patio no less, if it was OK that we get the bill and go, to which he agreed. I met him on the walkway of my bldg and in we went. He said his laptop wasn't working and wanted to know if I could help, that he couldn't communicate with me, if I had sent him any emails etc. Up we came and we resolved the problem, which was a sigh of relief for his as his work information is stored on the PC. We manage to ensure its all working properly and settle in for the evening. We each grab a glass of wine and plop on the sofa and chat the evening away, a good giggle is has, as always. Occasionally he grabs my hand, or rubs parts of me, which I enjoy and I think he sees that when he does touch me. I never kiss unless he is the one to initiates it. I love kissing him - we he inches towards my lips and he kisses me, I get all weak inside. Making out with him is a delicious experience and only persevere if he moves to deeper kissing and when he backs off, I do as well. Waking up and having coffee with him, like I said, is one of my favorite times with him. We are talking about going away for the weekend as I was supposed to go camping this past weekend and couldn't cuz of work, so he suggested, so we are in the midst of discussions as to the where and when and how. He said he would love to be with me in a tent out in the wilderness. So...he likes me? I'm not sure, to what capacity that is. The situation in itself is different than anything Ive been involved in. He is bisexual and has a female partner of 7 years, Catarina, she has a key to his place, but he spent last Friday, Saturday, Monday and Tuesday at my place, so where does she come in the picture? When? I will look into this further -
For now lets try and plan this weekend and see if it happens....
x

Lets See What Happens...

Mondays come so fast it seems. My fella asked me to go camping and about making me dinner?? I get worried as I will say yes as I do like him. He made comments about me leaving the village....I do leave the village, I do do other things outside the village, but hes asked to come over so I obliged. He spoke about wanting to spend the wknd with me, which I too will go for, but always worry about what people will discover about me. I mean he spent the night here so he has seen me first thing in the morning and I think thats when Im at my worst so has he crossed that line with me? He sent me an email last night telling me he wanted to be with me, be close to me, which was so nice. I kept re reading that email, no one has said that to me, well maybe since last summers fling, but this fella is much different than last summers mistake. I rehashed that story yesterday morning to him. He was shocked that happened to me and understands where I come from when I mention being afraid to get close to people, trusting people or letting people in my house. Im glad for that as its affected me like nothing before. He speaks of having me over for dinner which I would go for now after having him at place....theres a comfort level there, that I didnt think would be there so soon. I asked if he liked me to which he responded, "of course, would I come over if I didnt?" which is a valid response. I told him it was a dum comment/question and apologized. This situation is new again to me, scary to me. Im enjoying my time with him but worry what will happen, how will this play out? He was sending me erotic photos last night to which I told him to stop, otherwise Id maul him the next time I see him. I need to get out more when he asks, to show that I would do things with him, I would go out places to spend the day with him....Lets see how all this plays out in the days and weeks ahead. Im sorta in the same position as last summer, this exact time - I dont want to relive anything remotely close to last summer - This fella is older and intelligent and dont think he;s playing games but genuinely like me? I think....
Thanks for coming into my life - Lets see what happens :)
x

Summer Loving...Again?

Well a lazy Sunday for me today I think...Asked a friend over who I haven't seen in a while and has been a great means of support through my highs and lows, so we will see if she accepts my invite.
My fella came by late last night for a drink and to hang out and chat. I love being with him, waking up next to him. We met in an odd way, a way Ive never met people before, so I still trying to suss him out. I will say, that one thing about me, good or bad or otherwise...When I meet someone I'm interested in, I don't look for "new people". He mentioned a story yesterday how someone at the beach, was flirty with him as he was back. That sorta put a damper on my evening. I'm not sure if he clued in on that? I woke up this morning next to him which was nice, but that thought came back into my head and still remains. As we chatted this morning I was telling him how I'm not a typical queer. How I'm not slutty and typical. How I/anyone really, can get laid but that's not what I'm after. He said to me this morning that he loves my hands on him which is nice. He likes hugging me and hanging out with me. I have to always remember that at this age, people, including myself have a history. It is hard to hear sometimes, that's how I'm wired unfortunately. I want to tell him things but I worry. He told me about one encounter that never went well, but, he said how this guy asked that they go on a proper date....I want to ask him that. I will wait and see what he says to me later on today if he does and ill go from there. Id like to go to his place, be on his turf and see how that goes. My worry is now that I wont see him til probably late in the week. I know i will miss him and wonder, again, its how I'm wired. ...I need to busy myself as the week goes and see when we will meet up again. I like the conversations we have, I enjoy getting to know more of him. I am still very curious as to his "social" life. I know he has a female partner who has the key to his home, so if anything I would be sharing. Do I have issues with that....? I'm still not sure. I think knowing, if it was true, that he isn't meeting other guys, I think id be OK? Mentioning this guy in conversation, he told me how his ad kept reappearing and how he(my fella) thought it was weird as their encounter was contradictory to his ad. I mentioned today that since we met and have gotten along, I have not met anyone else. I think he believes that I'm not a typical queer. I told him how if I wanted to get laid, I can just walk out my door, but I'm not like that. I don't know what to think of this situation I'm in, what will happen, where it is headed. I think ill try the "date" question and go from there. Even if its an "in home" date, id like to give it a try. I told him I don't want to be seen or thought of, as his "buddy" - I don't want a buddy, I want to be with someone who enjoys me and is attracted to me in many ways. This weekend was awesome having been able to spend the evenings with him and am thrilled at that. I miss him when hes not around and I don't wanna be the one always emailing or asking him over. He has asked to come by so I think he wants to see me. I told him the other day how Id be willing to go to the islands with him as I mentioned in an earlier post -
Should I get emotionally involved, am I already? We spoke of investing time in people, trusting people. I shared my dramas of last summer and he was surprised at what had gone on by a similar encounter, and that I don't want to relive that. Not the legal part of it, but how one I found out that last summers fling was meeting other people, sleeping with other people, I put a stop to it. I'm hoping he knows I don't play games, and he doesn't seem the type. As much as I'm terrified of feeling something for my fella, I'm also enjoy my time with him and genuinely smile from ear to ear as I'm happy to be with him. Lets see what happens in the days ahead - Is this "summer loving" all over again?
x

I Love My Time With Him...

I don't even know where to start? My fella came by last night and we had a nice time. I told him how I don't wanna be a "trick" though he doesn't see me that way, which is nice in this queer society. He came by and we hung out all night, had a nice time. He stripped down to a ck jock strap which was very erotic for me. We enjoyed some drinks together, some fun chat. I enjoy his company so much which scares me. He's got the sweetest smile and fidgety antics which makes him so child like. I told him not to wait almost a week again to come by...I told him I'd go to the islands with him, if only to spend the day with him. I'd love that. He is such a sweet and intelligent character - Waking up next to him was so nice this morning. Having coffee and his touch against mine was so nice. I hate that he had to leave early for whatever reason. It was erotic this morning in bed and I loved every moment of it. I love his touch, I love him kissing me, him touching me. I hate to think I may be falling for this guy - I don't think its the same on his end as he has a much different life than mine. He is a busy guy and that's all good and dandy, I'm not - I've spared the last few nights, hoping he'd pop by - when he didn't, I got on with a simple quiet evening, which I needed anyways, but every night hoped he would come by and that I told him. I hated watching him or knowing he was leaving. I told him how I wanted him to come over with no plans so he could spend the day here with me, or do whatever he wanted to do. I told him I'm up for a day at the beach with him, I'd love a day, a whole day with him, all to myself. To have a guy see me first thing in the morning and not run is a positive lol. I always say, "if he sees me in the morning and stays, hes in" lol. Its not the first time this fella has seen me in the morning and he still comes by - I love his smile and his silliness...I find him sexy and fun that I want to spend more time with him, the more he comes around, the more I want. I want him all for me, I wont lie. I know its not possible. I'm worried about my feelings and don't want to get in too deep, but I will leave it all up to him, I vowed not to email him yesterday and he did email me, just before I was gonna send him my email. So I think he thinks of me. He tells me he wants to "see me now" which is nice - I have to again, enjoy the ride as it could end fast and soon, but I love my time with him....

Hmmm..

Well today was interesting -
Work was hell, so a guy who wants to "get" with me had a day off and we messaged each other all day - At the end of my day, I met up with him for a drink or two. Now I now he likes me but sadly, hes not my type, causing nothing to happen, plus I have the other fella in mind. Fast forward to home time after drinks, I tell this fella, that I bought some frozen snacks for the next time we get together, so if we drink, we wont drink on empty stomachs, in email. I get a response and he tells me how hes had a few rough days and needs an early night, I get it, I need them too. So my response to him was short and sweet, I just tell him to let me know the next time he wants to see me, to let me know - I get back, "I wanna see you now, but need an early night" - that works for me, I just hate that I feel as if I miss him, and want to see me. I believe he wants to see me, so make more of an effort?? Stupidly I haven't been making any plans in hopes of seeing him. Ive come to realize its never after work, hence the drinks tonight. Usually by he the time he has emailed me, I'm so tired and out of it, that I hope that he doesn't want to come over lol..but have said yes to his request to come over, the last one, a failed attempt. Regardless, its not been a week since Ive seen him and think by weeks end, the weekend, I will see him. I just don't want to be "this guy" I know, I hang with. His life is much different and I don't know what he wants with me? He wants to wake up with me, he says he wants to be with me now but cant make it...? I'm so lost. I need more get togethers to see how this will go. Last years fling, I heard similar things? That's one of the weird things...one of the things that makes me take a step back. I'm horribly scarred by that scenario and am doing my best to move on...I don't need someone who has certain things that are similar - lol - Anyways, in short, I really dont know and need more time to figure this out, what I want to invest in this, eventually get the nerve to ask what he really wants. Thins I know of him already are enough to make me never contact him again. What I find sad about myself is, that I like the way he looks and is, so that sorta puts the negatives sorta, on the back burner. I dont want to get involved any deeper for fear of being or feeling hurt. I give him short answers when I cant see him or if he hasnt been able to keep plans, I shouldnt do that. I need to let him know that, if it happens, it happens, until I see how he feels. Im glad Ive met him, thats for sure. I want to know what can come of something like this?
Is this worth is? Stay tuned....
x

Try To Enjoy The Ride This Time...

Well an interesting turn of events. He arrived on time this time, bag in hand, set for a swim and some drinks on the patio. I opened the door and said, "Welcome to "Plan B". Commenting how I was second fiddle to his plans gone wrong for him. That started an almost nervous giggle from us both. He came to the door almost, shy. Dropped his bags and hugged me hello. He pulled out a bottle of sparkling wine and two wine glasses, too funny. Poured ourselves a glass each and off to the balcony we went. He took off his shirt almost instantly, I was in awe but maintained cool. The afternoon/evening was spent with questions, and stories and laughs along with vino. We never did make it to the pool. There was a some form of affection which was nice. Unfortunately cuz I didn't eat much that day, I don't remember later in our time. I emailed thanking him for the night and hope I hadn't said or done anything rude. He confirmed and I wasn't and didn't and I was pleased with myself. Now its about the next get together. Hmmm, I learned a few things about this guy that would be counted as a negative, in the longer term way. He is fun and I love his smile and eyes, among other things. I need to figure him out, "socially". Its nice that he tell me things like, "I want to wake up naked next to you again", that "he wanted to make me dinner." I haven't been asked that in...never? lol?! I need to know motives or "the why" he is asking to hang with me. Its very sensually intense which I love. We are now trying to figure out the next time we get together. I cant act too eager, that's in bad taste, but I like this guy and know its limited, maybe I'll just try to enjoy the ride this time -
at ease
x

Rectifying The Weeknd?

Turns out my fella hasn't even apologized for yesterday BUT, his plans for the day fell through, so now he wants to come see me? He says to "rectify" both our weekends? I said yes to him so I can tell him to his face that I was irritated and let down yesterday and I will. He offered to bring some wine and for us to go swimming in my pool. I agreed. I do think he is cute, but like I said in my earlier entry, this will make or break any friendship as I don't like waiting around or being stood up - Apart from laundry I have no confirmed plans and let him know that my weekend was spent, not as I had hoped. This isn't about sex, its more about hanging out with someone I like and see how it progresses. Standing me up, whether beyond your control or not isn't an excuse. For me to wait all night, though I gave up at a certain hour, doesn't get you any brownie points. He doesn't seem to be an ass and has told me that when he can pop over he will let me know so he can see me, so I feel OK with that, not sure what he means or where it goes from there, but I will give him the chance. 2 strikes already - 3 - you are out. Lets see how he plans to "rectify out weekends" -
x

Happening All Over Again?...

Well yesterday, the plan was to meet up mid to late afternoon with this fella....
Well come 10pm I get an email asking if I am awake - Awake I was, looking for company, not at that time. I had organized my day around this get together only to be contacted at 10pm?
Let me go back in time for a moment....Last summer when I was seeing this one guy, he had a habit of saying, "Ill be at your place at 9:30pm"...Id straighten out a bit, freshen up, only to see that 9:30, 10:30, 11:30 had past with no sign of him. I would constantly vow that the next time I wouldn't wait. Fool that I was, cuz I had fallen in love, Id wait and wait and wait, and regardless of what time he showed, Id let him in. Risk being exhausted for work, miss work to spend the mornings with him etc. I vowed to never do that again for another guy...Well here we are about a year on, and its happening again? WTF? Thursday past we had made plans to get together, go for a swim in my bldg and order in pizza. According to this new guy, circumstances beyond his control made him not able to get together. I let it go. He asked if I was angry, to which I said no. If anything I told him, I was mad at myself and that I had spent a boring Thursday eve, when I thought I would have plans. In his email he told me he wanted to see me again as soon as possible and sent me his "availability" - This is how we worked out a Saturday afternoon get together. I get an email just past 1pm, telling me he had to work in the morning, and that he wanted to go to the island for a swim and that he would meet up with me after. We had agreed on mid-late afternoon, it worked well for me. Until 6pm, 7pm and 8pm past, I gave up, I got on with my evening as I wished and was a bit disappointed but carried on. I passed out on the sofa only to be woken up at 3:50am by my kitten pouncing on me...I got up and checked my emails as I couldn't fall back asleep right away and found his email which was sent at 10pm. He asked if I was asleep to which I wrote back that I wasn't asleep but was tired of waiting for him again and I now await his reply.
My question is, why, if you really want to see me as you say, there is no effort shown? Why do I wait? Is it something instilled in me or is it too much faith in people. The one thing I hate is non committal people, not relationship wise, but friendship wise. If we had plans to meet at 8pm, why would you show up at 10pm? Where is the logic and what possible excuse could someone give to make that all better?
I know today this fella is free and busy tonight, so will he want to get together? In response to his upcoming email, I will let him know that I set my day around our supposed get together and that I have things to to this morning and afternoon. I will leave any future get together's up to him I am putting no more effort into that as I was hurt too many times when I went through that last summer. It is something I promised myself I would never do again and here we are, twice in a matter of 3 days, its already happened. I am worth more than that and its not a good way to start a friendship.
I wont let that happen all over again -
x

It Begins...

Ive kept several blogs that I never upkeep - This one will be different. My on line journal.
I'm 40, Italian, queer and live in downtown Toronto. Ive been single for about 2 years now
(See other blog "The Cheating Slag" for that piece of personal history).
The last year or so has brought on changes in my life, that I could never have imagined. I will document that at some point on this blog. For now this is just a normal entry. The start of something new. A personal project, just for me.
I was never sure what "single" life would be like after being in a relationship of 15 years. A true friendship gone wrong, due to infidelities and lies. Trust is a hard thing to come by these days, and anyone who knows me, knows the one thing I need in my life is people I can trust. People who are what they say, no acts or games. Having been single Ive met allot of liars, cheaters and other colorful characters. When I realize they are not what they say they are, I erase them from my life. I have however, met some real awesome people and am glad I took steps to expand social networks. I have some real great friends where I can truly be myself and that's the best feeling. That's how I know Ive got good friends, when I can be me.
On the "romantic" side of my life....that's a roller coaster in its own way. Meeting guys that are interested in me is strange to me. I don't understand usually what they see in me. I have no ego, I'm just a simple guy trying to enjoy life. So when a guy shows interest I'm taken back. Contrary to popular belief of the part of a few acquaintances, I don't go out to meet guys. I'm not and never have been one to chase guys. I'm more the docile one when it comes to that. When guys want to meet, via social networks and such, I am once again taken aback. I had a summer romance last summer that ended in pure and utter tragedy and am now able to move on, months and months later. Although I think of that guy allot still, its due to the circumstances that ended that "relationship" - He was the first guy I truly enjoyed being with with after my long term relationship fell apart. It was a nice feeling and some of it is written about in my previous blog. It took time to have the courage to meet new people. The first time I met someone after last summers dramas was scary and freaky to me. I did manage to meet and enjoy my time with other guys. The fear of meeting again is gone. I stand my ground these days and am glad Ive gone back to the old me. The old me is what I like and again, being myself is worth losing friendships/relationships. I'm currently interested in a guy who is a bit older than me, but fun to be with. Ive known him about a month or so. Meeting up with him always puts a smile on my face and its nice to hear that he wants to see me again. Of course Ive had the odd one night stand, but usually when i fall into bed with someone, I usually hope for something more. I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm not wired that way. However should it happen, I will take the chance if i feel right about it. I'm done with worrying about that. Having friends is more important to me than anything. I have a good circle of friends who keep me grounded. I have different cliques I go with and that's the variety and spice in my life. I am looking forward to seeing where this new friendship goes, cuz for some strange reason, I want to get to know him as well which hasn't happened since last summer. I was afraid of being lonely when I first became single and that fear is no longer. Putting myself out there, open to new things such as friends and such, has given me courage to move forward and try things. I will end this entry here. I hope to maintain this blog as well, as a personal journal of my life. Ups and downs, good and bad. This here is my Queer Journal.
x