Friendship Gone Wrong...

Well I have taken a few weeks to care for myself, deal with things that have happened over the last 6-8 months. I continue to busy myself with life and move on after Frank Bentley, John Bentley or whoever he really is. Last night having dinner and drinks with the person I respect most, Tim. He asked about my situation. I have never in detail told Tim about this "relationship". He was very concerned, very interested to see what had happened. I told him there were too many things to say in one nights get together. I went on to tell him how he was bisexual and seeing a married woman. He stopped me right there and said, "There are issues and that should have been your first sign to back away, and this I told you early on,"
Now if you go back in this blog, there was a time last August that Frank showed up at my lobby with his laptop, as I was having a bite at a nearby patio. I refreshed Tim's memory and he recalled this incident, remembering that evening. Anyway, I went on to tell him, how he told my friend Christian, that Frank got a blow job 12 hours before getting together with me, the day we went to the Island together. We continued to have a physical relationship all the while I had no clue he was doing what he did. Frank told Christian that he was up front about that which is a flat out lie as I would have not slept with him again if that was the case, though Frank has a different recollection. I have said time and time again in this blog how Frank is one of the most intelligent men(or so I thought), Frank cannot hold a candle to Tim. Tim is an outstanding human being in life, in general, I would not say this about Frank.
I went on to tell Tim how Frank was also into women's lingerie and Tim's jaw dropped. I went on to explain to Tim how my motive when he was is his garb was to get him out of it and that I managed. I told a story of how one evening, I had gone over, Frank was in his frilly lingerie and stockings. He had spent the day doing chores and laundry. There was laundry folded on the sofa, the bed was not made. When I decided to go to bed, I saw no pillow cases(there is an entry earlier about this in more detail) and I made a comment about this from the bedroom which was off the living room. He said back to me, "You were supposed to tell me to make the bed, put the laundry away." I did not get this at first but eventually realized he wanted me to dominate him. I told him I am not like that and just went to bed. Tim was floored at this and said,"Franco, right then and there you should have gotten out of bed and gone home and not seen him again!" Unfortunately at that time I had fallen in love with him and just wanted to spend time with him, regardless of how out of my element it was. Today is a different story but that was then. Tim said, from what I had told his thus far, that all of this equals to ISSUES, and that's just it. Issues. I told Tim how Christian had told me of an email exchange between then, that Frank has/had no idea how I know or knew of Katarina, the mistress. Telling Christian that I must have gone through his PC to find this information. That is a flat out lie, Frank told me. Katarina never came by all the time that I was there and I was there allot, she did call the odd time though. I explained to Tim how Frank was friends with Katarinas husband, Joel and how they(Frank and Joel) had gone on outings together and what not, again Tim was floored and saying, "That whole situation is so wrong!" Yes it is, it was. I told Tim of Franks diaper fetish of his CL hook ups. I told Tim how one night, I called and asked what he was doing. Frank's response, "Sitting in my diaper" and then told Tim how I had to see this, try and figure this out.
I had gone over, Frank answered the door in a dress shirt which covered the crotch area and dress socks. But that eventually I saw he had blue shorts under the shirt and my asking if there was anything under the shorts, to which Frank nodded yes and went on to show me, a 52 year old bisexual, cross dressing, diaper wearing man, if you can call him that, should have spoken volumes and I should have left for good right then and there!
His unsafe sex practices which was admitted to me, I also told Tim of the STD scare we had and Tim said, "I'm surprised you didn't catch anything from that thing."
Christian relayed to me that Frank said how he never has had an STD when to my face Frank said otherwise. I told Tim about the holiday we were supposed to go on. I told Tim how he(Frank) accused me of "stealing" his Aeroplan number. If that was the case, I would have added the redemption on my trip not his and again, how would I get that information if not from him? When I was over Franks place, I usually, 99% of the time I was situated on the sofa, not near his PC. When we booked the trip, he logged into the Aeroplan site and asked me, from there to make a booking, primarily because he couldn't read the script as it was in a smaller font. I told Tim of how I went over almost everyday last November when Frank pulled his back, I went to be with him and to help him as best as I could with nothing wanted in return but an honest friend. This I didn't get. He has told my friend Christian so many lies its disgusting. I do wish things had been different and yea I do miss a part of Frank but don't miss the lies. He tells Christian how he did not hurt me, I felt hurt, WRONG - You had a man blow you, then within the next 24hours we slept together and had a physical evening. If I knew he had done what he did, he would not have been in my apt or my bed. He told Christian that there was more to the car park incidents that made him stop coming here. He never explained further and all I can say is because, there is no other reason. When I first went to Franks place, there was papers all over the place, empty pasta packages all over the kitchen and hall way floor, I don't live like this, he does. He told Christian how I cost him thousands of $$ - Ha Ha dementia is setting in early with this man/woman/tranny? Not really sure at this point what he is. I keep telling Christian how I wished for closure, that was a while ago, a month and a half ago or so, today, closure for me is expressing myself in an honest way as I always have been. I had been right up to the end 100% honest with Mr Bentley. He was not. He in one email apparently called me "Marco" and Christian forwarded me that email, the response, which went on to say something like, "Franco/Marco/Antonio if that is his name" ? I again have no need to lie and this I told Frank. The "drama" Frank says I inflicted, the pain and damage I have inflicted, the loss of money, is all something in his feeble old mind. I was nothing but good. Yes I had a good time for a while under an illusion of who Frank was. Ive said it before and will say it again, I remember the first day we met for coffee outside. That is my fondest memory and one that is burned in my mind, that was a time of innocence between us both. Him asking how I felt about the meeting and him telling me. It was all nice then and that is the best part of this lost friendship. I whole heartedly admit to flying off the handle, but that was in time of upset and having too much to drink. I said some vile things but I never knew he would turn out to do things he did. Frank, I have learned over the last 8, 9 month what Frank Bentley really is, what kind of person he really is.
Frank is, and this will be a long list probably - He is, a liar, a cheat, lingerie wearing, diaper wearing, deceitful, promiscuous, unsafe, dirty(showers once a month or so), an alcoholic, as he hardly remembers allot of the late night conversations we had due to blacking out and being hung over and this too I have in email, he also is manipulative and selfish...I could go on, but really after all this, why would anyone want someone like that in their daily life? What benefit is there. Like a junkie, the sparkle in his eyes is no more. The smile that had me at, go, no longer shines though. John Frank Bentley is a mystery to me and in a way I'm glad I went through it, only to know tell tale signs when I should back away. I could not even have Frank as a friend, knowing what I know, I couldn't. I think maybe my worst attribute is my temper, but my temper comes though when Ive been messed around with, it happened with Rob, Jonathon, Doug and Frank...and what is the one thing they all did, they lied. The blurb on my main page about this blog says,
"...Living for fun, friends and love ultimately, if it ever shows its face twice in a lifetime" -
I will thank Frank only for one thing and that is the feeling that I can fall in love again, it was a beautiful feeling and I enjoyed. The words he spoke to me in these "moments" I now know were alcohol induces, him telling me I am hot, I am fun and more explicit things I wont mention here. They were just words, in the moment, not what I thought. I don't think Frank can fall in love or is in love with his gal pal otherwise he would not suck cock on the side and put her in danger as well as himself. In the end this is a friendship gone wrong, full stop...
x

Yup, I Did and Regret It All...

Last night after work I went for dinner with a co worker, then met up with a friend at the local watering hole across the road. While there I saw Jonathon. It wasn't anything special,. I just hadn't seen him in a long time, and hated seeing him, but was proud at myself for not really caring that he was in the same venue and carried on with my evening. My friends wanted me to go to another friends place, but after a long week, I just wanted, home. I was thinking, not of Jonathon, but Frank. The difference between them, the feelings between myself and them. I went on, had to email Frank. I hadn't in a while but thoughts just over ruled and an email was sent - Nothing rude, nothing accusatory, these were my words:

Hey Frank

Weeks have passed,. More with non communication –

I am trying to move on, and glad that I am and have, at least trying.

You were so different in my sheltered life and enjoyed it and wished more but that wasn’t to be. My words hurt you and your actions hurt me – that was never meant to be like that.

You have a different life than what I thought, and wished to share it with you. I cant speak no more of what went on, what went wrong. For 5 months before it all went wrong, u were my everything and wished only the best for you, spending so much time with you – now I miss you after all that I did wrong and, maybe what I feel went wrong. Talking to my friend who had spoken to you, and me, at the same time, I never ever wished it to come to this. This u have to believe. I may never hear from you ever again, but I cared so much for you. No you didn’t fall in love with me, I hear that, understand that, but u meant so much to me, do u understand?? Does it make sense. I saw that guy tonight who got me in trouble the year before and see the difference between him and you. I give a shit about you! I want u in my life. I am scared but want u in my life.. I know its not possible but I have a glimmer of hope. All I have is hope. You said to my friend how I don’t even know my way around the city, that is the life I lived before before being single and I tried to change that. And am trying, hence going with you to the island etc, taking him around, and back to the island... I never meant harm, and the look you had when we first met, outside my place is burned in my memory, talking to you so insecure, not knowing what would happen between u and me…so naive, so innocent. I hope only happiness for you but so wished I was part of something with you. You exploring things was sweet to me as u shared them with me and so on. I felt special; then because you hadn’t with anyone else. Why me? I was flattered that you could share those things, and I was accepting, I'm so lonely, not in a physical way, in a person to person way, there is such a void in my life. How 2 people could spend that much time together are not, now, feel a void, is or makes no sense. I am and will send this without hesitation and wish hope, and dream that one day you will respond, I know you don’t like or care of “franco” no more .I, never, ever, in a million years would have wished this on you or me – I miss you tremendously in more than one way. Talking and laughing is not the same, I know I have said and done awful things. You know, I'm not a bad person, I m someone who is confused, maybe hurt, maybe naive, but not mean.

I hope to maybe hear from you – if not I have no choice to know, I will never have you in my life, and that I should look at our time together and keep that as a memory –

You can let me know, but I think we had a good foundation to possibly a great friendship, all my bullshit aside –

I miss you and that’s it.. I miss you

Franco

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He wrote back:

Date: Sat, 25 Feb 2012 00:01:27 -0500

Look, Franco, I can tell you that I received your email...

But I cannot respond to it. You have made it clear that it is unsafe for me to do that.

I won't wish you all the best, because you don't like that, but I DO wish you all the best.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was it -
I went on to read my blog as that is something i never do. I cried allot as I went through entry after entry, remembering things as they happened, both good and bad. There truly is nothing between us and never will be. This breaks my heart, breaks my spirit. He is getting on better than I am and it shows. I wish I could delete everything and start over with him. Stories of us being together, from the entries, actions between us, were so nice to remember, to think back to those days. So many misunderstandings, so many "firsts" for both of us and then I shattered it all. I could have dealt with things differently, talked more about it as opposed to slandering, judging, feeling a fool and so on. I don't think Frank ever meant any harm, maybe didn't realise what he did to me that cause me to flip out, but the flip out is what shouldn't have happened, we could have talked as we had in the past. This is a hard one to get over and I blame myself and hope to not repeat this. I have one pic of Frank, I showed it to a friend and she commented on how good looking he was. There was the looks and a fantastic personality behind that smile and Ive lost it. He said a while ago, "You fucked it up" - Yup I did and regret it all...
x

Frank Lied & That Is It! Done!

It has been a week or so since my last entry. Life with Frank and myself is completely over. No chance of anything. Having a friend over on the weekend, confirmed that Frank has lied numerous times and I have no space in my life for liars. Rob(the ex) was a big liar and I had to delete him from my life and I did, same goes for Frank. Sad thing is I did fall in love and haven't fallen in love like that since I feel for Rob, 17 years back. It was a nice feeling while it lasted and looked like something was developing. But confirmation of deep lies has changed that. I can still see his sweet smile and our first meeting is burned in my brain, but think of lies, I cant continue.
My "international" friend started emailing Frank and he(my friend shared some, not all but some info with me) -
Frank told him that I did not disclose information about my situation with my ex, which is a complete lie. He said that I told of the exes cheating and our sex life situation AFTER the STD scare, lie,
He admitted to getting oral sex 12hrs before seeing me one day last August, when he had told me different. We got together 12 hours later and about 24 hours later is when he came to me showing me his "abrasion", telling my friend, that I was a suspect if it was an STD? That there were a few people he had to tell, apart from the gf who else? Other guys he was getting off with?
That I trashed his apt...I threw one glass of wine against the wall when he accused me of things that were not true as I have always been honest and upfront. There was more, but these are enough to let me know that I am worth so much more, so much better than John Frank Bentley! I will cherish some of the times, but hearing what I have heard from my friend, allot is just history and not as fun as it was when I lived it. The chapter is closed with no hope of a new start. He tells my friend that I have not picked up my things, so I have something to "hold on to", not true. Regardless of what possessions of mine he has, no matter what sentimental value they have to me, I don't want it back and it can be trashed, and this I mean. He has misunderstood so much of what I meant to say, or what I wrote that I cant be bothered to explain any further. He has his mind set and so do I. Frank lied and that is it! Done!

I Really Miss You....

Days have passed and I cant lie, I miss Frank, allot. I spent 2 weeks in a drunken oblivion, not being Franco, not wanting to feel anything. I decided the other day to buck up and try to move on. I knew it wouldn't be a long affair, for lack of a better word, but I fell for him and still care for him allot. Wish I could turn back the hands of time. I think of just laying in bed, my arm around him. him placing my hand on his belly, rubbing him. Hearing him tell me how much he likes that. Last night I just kept thinking of someone else in my place at his home. Sitting there with him, talking, drinking, playing, laughing - It made me sad and brought me to tears a few times. Ive done enough harm in his eyes to not miss me I'm sure. I sent him a confessional email on Sunday telling him allot of what I said or did was booze induced and have come to realize my mistakes. He wrote back and said, "Thanks for your honesty" - This morning being Valentine's Day, I wrote a one liner. I put, Happy Valentines Day in the subject line and in the body, just, "Just wanted to say..." and left it at that. I'm not sure I will get any kind of response. I'm not into VD day, but would have been fun to hang around him on VD day, if only for the fun of it all. The thought of meeting someone is so off for me. I, like I said, miss him so much and hope one day we can reconnect, this I told him in the email on Sunday. I will try and carry on one day at a time. Hope I can be distracted enough to not break down....I really miss you -

Let's See If He Carries On,,,,

Last night Frank harassed me with constant emails -
He is now concerned that I get my stuff and that he wont be putting them in the bin? I asked why the change of heart, not giving a shit one day and then not wanting it to end up in the bin? I told him that he told me weeks ago that it was all in the garbage, so to me its been lost since then, and don't care for it anymore. I told him I don't want to be anywhere near him or his home. That his type of promiscuous cross dressing, lying, alcoholic kinda guy isn't one I want to know or be anywhere near. He kept saying I was in my twisted state? I was stone sober yesterday and was clear headed when I wrote my emails back. He kept calling me "Little One" - I told him that he was the little "one" with his 5 inch dick. I told him at one point I felt strong enough for him that I would have taken a bullet, I was so in love with him - Today?? Id piss on him should he get killed in front of my eyes. I told him that I was making the decision to NOT have any kind of friendship. I could tell by his writing that he was drunk, but then again he always is when he is home. He told me that my work would love my next assault charge?? Hes fucked up. I went on to call the police and explain my situation - How I had emails and screen caps of his harassing me and was told by the officer to keep it all, and I will. I sent a final email to Frank and included photos he had sent me, showing him that I retrieved them from my trash and he is not one to dictate anything in my life! I told him I regret meeting him and wasting my time with him. I really do, If I knew back then that this would happen, that he was a CL whore, I would have stopped after the one coffee date we had. I told him he was pathetic and had a dead end job and less of a future - The man is pathetic clump of closet case cells. Hetero by winter, Homo by summer - what the fuck is he on about? Totally messed up for someone so educated -
I truly despise Mr Bentley!!
Lets see if he carries on...

How Wrong Was I???

Ive finally realize that Frank want to be in control of this friendship -
I don't play that way and basically told him to get lost. That his kind of people are not my kind of people. I don't associate with people who slut around on sites, hook ups and people like that and that's how Frank is. He insists that I go pick up my stuff, I told him to trash it, that I will claim it as a loss. He tried the guilt trip on me saying how one day my niece will look down on me basically for letting the bracelet go. I told him I will explain and she will understand how I met an idiot who took me for a ride. I still have the necklace and will cherish that. He wont leave me alone. I forwarded an email he sent me when we first met where HE tells me he wants to be with me, wake up with me, have me over for dinner - He wrote back, "Lovely" I told him it was his crap, his words I meant that were crap. I told him I was done with him and I chose not to be friends with him, that I retrieved all his photos and vids etc, that there I no need for me to listen to what he wants me to do, who is he to tell me? So screw it - He kept asking if I was done I assume in regards to my conversation and I just replied with, "yup"...it was over, I go off line and he went on to send one saying, his only wish is that I be happy - I wrote, whatever, then later on he said, "good night dickhead" - I wrote back this morning, same to you -
I at one point, earlier in the day wrote and said, that there were signs that I should have picked up on earlier on in the friendship that should have been signs to walk away. That his lying is what tainted the friendship. His telling me of unsafe sex and the fact that he told me he wasn't meeting others when he was. He said I was judging- I told him I wasn't, it is what happened and I should have taken those hints and walked away before falling for him - My mistake. At this point he just repulses me the same way Rob does. He is that kind of guy. He told me I don't have to guess/inquire or care whether he meets up etc - and I don't, not know, but while were "hanging " around together, constantly, it was my business whether he liked it or not we were physical with each other so I had every right - I told him I was making the call to end any friendship with him, that things will never be the same and how I wasted the last 7-8 months for nothing in the end. He went on to say, your welcome then for what you rec'd, learned and enjoyed, and then quoted me saying, I fucked and threw it all away, that I cant face myself and be friends blah. I asked what I rec'd? An std scare? Sucking his cock when he told me he wasn't hooking up when in fact he was and putting me potentially in harms way? I said that he rec'd from me, with not wanting anything in return, that I did things out of the goodness of my heart - I gave him money, pot, tickets to theatre shows, passes to exhibits he wanted to go to, the knife I bought and more...that he now makes me feel like a shit and I don't need that in my life. How words like, "you are not welcome in my home" are truly offensive and I'm done. I truly dislike him for what he has done - Yea I fell in love, but with a selfish, irresponsible immature guy. Not the first time, but thought this one was different - How wrong was I??

Lets See Where This Goes....Again.

Funny that this blog, in my "bookmarks" falls under the "fun" folder? The last thing Ive had over the last few days is, fun. Ive busied myself with things to not dwell or continually think of Frank. It works sometimes, but we do have daily email communications -
I'm trying to rectify things with Frank and I. I'm not sure what that could mean? I want a friendship, but honestly wish I could have more. People always tell me I deserve better, someone who is only interested in, "Franco" and no one else when it comes to the "romantic" side of life. I agree, and wished and hoped Frank was that person. I told him in an email earlier in the week, that if I could, if it we re possible Id want the same situation as we had last summer. It was so nice getting to know one another, spending the days and evening together when time permitted. That was probably when I was last, at my "happiest." Those days of Frank asking to come over, telling me he can come over but would have to spend the night are gone. Things have changed for the worst...to the point that when he has had a few cocktails it seems there could be a possibility of something, some form of friendship, then when totally sober he tells me to take responsibility for my actions. I am trying to prove to him I'm not the hater he may think I am. In one email communication I said that he should at least apologise to me for certain things, to which his response was, "i have apologizes" so I need to take his word. Some recollections of evenings past are a little different when recounts them, but at the same time I don't like being, sternly spoken to, in any situation and that he has done and it worries me that he wont forgive or forget. He tells me he doesn't hate me, he has respect for me and that he is just disappointed and I agreed with him, that I too am disappointed. As Ive said in many entries, I haven't bothered to meet any other guys, if only cuz Ive enjoyed my time with Frank and why look for something when Ive found pretty much what I was looking for? Talk of the "one guy" was brought up again, but then Frank went on that trip of how he never made advances to me and that he let me do certain things or let certain things happen and that to me is insulting, made me feel like a slag and I'm not, like I'm desperate and I'm not. He is the one continually meeting guys for "relief" not me. Problem I think now I will always see him that way. When Rob pulled his funny ones as well as Jonathon, it was done and I couldn't look past the cheating. Frank hasn't cheated as we aren't a couple, but thought we had an agreement. Obviously we agreed to different things and I can only blame myself for being naive that way. A man who tells me he is always horny and gets off with me every few weeks or so, should have indicated that he must be getting off with others, whether it be a bj or hd or j/o or all the way...Not my business I guess. Last night we were yakking all day/afternoon. I was going over to my parents place and thought to bring him his hoodie...I went there first, called, no answer, rang the bell, no answer. I saw the car there and assumed he was home. He says he wasn't but he could have been, just ignoring me, I don't know and never will. I left his hoodie on the door knob, hoping it wouldn't disappear. I called and told him I had left the hoodie there, on his voice mail. Then I tried his other number as I wasn't sure which I called, mobile or land line. I lingered a bit thinking he was busy when the doorbell rang, no answer, I left. Fearing he wouldn't get it, I emailed him, telling him what I did. When he responded to that he said that I was "bizarre" that I could have grabbed my stuff at the same time. I mentioned something about a final hug...the conversation began. I told him how it was a last minute decision to drop it off so there was no time to make an arrangement and at the same time to show him, I am not that much of an asshole. He at the same time has been hanging on to my stuff, not throwing them away as he keeps threatening or telling me. Talks of my "coming to terms with myself", "taking care of responsibility" - I mentioned the lost bracelet, he said he wouldn't apologize for that as I was tearing his apt apart? I threw one glass against the wall, in turn he tossed the bag out the window. He said why would I leave something of value to me in my bag and I went on to tell him how I always removed rings/bracelets before I went over and put them in my bag. He said he would check and apparently he did and didn't find. I told him, it was OK and that it was a thing of the past. I kept trying to see from him, make him let me know if we could have something?? He dodged that question most of the time. He told me to remove all files of him to start which I told him, I did, the other day. Near the end of my day at the old folks place, I got no word about us and emailed pretty much saying, "you don't want any kind of friendship?" no answer - On route to the subway, he wrote and told me he was taking a bath and was then going to watch the hockey game - I wrote from the subway that I was leaving my parents place...and then asked if he wanted to talk in person - no answer - At 4am he wrote back, as I had mis-spelled a word therefore the sentence made no sense. I wrote this morning saying that he either got up too early or went to bed real late, and explained what it was, that I was trying to say and sent it on -
I'm not sure what today will bring in regards to our email communication. I said last night, to myself, that I wouldn't email him but being on automatic, I responded to that email as it was a question - The next communication will be from him at some point.I don't know what to think of this situation. I told him how we spent so much time together the last few months, that I think he is wonderful, and I do with the exception of the hook up scene. He is constantly on CL, I know he is..so that side disgusts me. Regardless its hard to tear apart from him when we did have so much fun....I'm not sure...Lets see where this goes...Again -
x

Lies Right Til The End...

Last night after work I went for a bite to eat with a co worker. Headed out for a smoke I checked my email and found one from who? Yea, Frank. He was going on on how I show how sorry I am etc. Claiming I put ads on CL again, and so on. I told him that he had shown me all these emails from his CL whores and to call on one of them as I have no idea what he was on about. He went on to send me CL ad numbers, therefor confirming that he trolls CL, constantly and called him trash, as that he is, its unfortunate that I wasted my time and it took this long to realize. He said that he didn't throw out my scarf and shirt, once again another lie. I told him I still had his hoodie and that he could come pick it up. He said he would throw my stuff on some chair on his porch, but warned that things get stolen all the time, at that point I told him to just get rid of it and id do the same with the hoodie. At one point I sent a photo in error, meant for my friend Dean and accidentally sent it to Frank - then sent one with just "oops" in the subject line. He said something along the lines of "who was that" and I told him it was me and I got back. "too bad nice guy", I told him I still am, always was and always will be. He admitted nothing in regards to lying to me, he doesn't acknowledge anything about that but knows it is true and has no answer.
He went on about grabbing the rum, smokes and cigars I brought him from Cuba, I told him that they are his and he can do what he pleases. One email said that I didn't know him at all, and I shot back that he knows shit about me as well, that up until December past, he didn't even know my last name. Ive shown an ugly side to Frank and he doesn't understand, does not see and will never admit to being mean to me, an ugly side to him I too have seen. My friend who I went out to dinner with last night said to me, that, he threw me under the bus, by lying to police as well as Air Canada, therefor a friend he isn't and this I now realize. I was there almost everyday at one point cuz I care and like(d) this guy. Little did I know I meant nothing to him. When he needed to be orally serviced it was all good for him, he was selfish that way and again, this I now know. He once mentioned to me that he never approached me for sexual activity etc. I was so insulted at that and luckily have video of him, dancing around his apt, singing and gazing at me, then coming up to kiss me 3 and 4 times in a row. You hear nothing of me asking for a kiss or anything as I was watching him dance around and having a laugh at it, then HE comes up to me to kiss me. He was obviously drunk and has no recollection, but don't ever say that I was the only one to make advances, another flat out lie. I am sad it has ended as it has and have no desire to meet anyone for a long time. Frank knew I didn't want a fuck buddy, I don't do that. I am a good catholic boy, contrary to popular belief of Franks end, but I am. He doesn't get the head games he played with me. I will always admit Frank was very supportive of me. His lies on the other hand were not what I wanted. He used to email me wanting to come over constantly in the summer/fall last year. Wanting to go camping with me, to make me dinner, to wake up next to me...I have his emails confirming that. Since my ex, I have never opened my door to someone like I did with him and have now learned to never do it again. He claims he has no one over his place, that he has never "dressed up" in front of anyone, yet emails prove otherwise, and this is when I got confirmation that he was hooking up with other guys, if only for a blow job. When we had a conversation weeks before, that I cant go on if he meets others and I wanted to know, for my own protection, and he said he would, yet he lied. He treated me so well in the beginning, treating me like a special guy, like I was the "one" guy we spoke of. Not one guy like a boyfriend, but that "special" friend, I was OK with that. He tends to forget that he told me that he doesn't meet all kinds of guys and would like that "one" guy and was happy I found someone who wanted the same, he lied and manipulated me I think by sitting around my apt in a jock strap, grabbing my hand in my bed and sliding it down to his crotch as he woke up in the morning.
Theres lots more I will tell in another entry as this one seems scattered, but will sum up this friendship if another entry....

As nice as he was to me, allot of it was, lies, lies, lies right til the end.

This Chapter Is Over...For Good.

Well this chapter has ended -
Frank is now a thing of the past and doubt very highly that anything will ever become what it once was...
We had an argument Wednesday night on the phone. I went on to get out of control, drunk and high. Went on to post all kinds of bullshit on CL about him, everywhere, photos, phone numbers etc...That put an end to it. Thursday night when I got in, I had a a phone call from Air Canada Vacations, telling me that he had cancelled his trip and told them I did not have permission to use his Aeroplan, which was a flat out lie and he knows it, I have emails about that- Also Wednesday night, he started to crank call me, about a dozen times and denied it, though I have screen caps of the incoming calls etc. I am now going on this holiday by myself. There is nothing I can do other than lose $1000. My lawyer tells me that there isn't anything I can do. I did send him an email yesterday with the subject, "Final Say." I went on telling him that I hope our paths cross one day in the future, if only to say hello. How I felt betrayed at his lies but in the end we aren't good for each other in any way. I balled before I sent it. Earlier, I had sent an email with a video clip of him singing, this past summer. He replied to that one first saying, he couldn't open it and that I was told to not communicate with him and that my dream of "ripping him off" were over??? That is him trying to look like what he told the police or AC was true, we both know its not. Then he responded to the "final say" email and said, "thanks for your final say and have a great trip and all the best." - I wrote back and said, "thanks, wish it were different and maybe say hello when I get back?" - no response. So we are done. I am so sad about it but will take this week to rest and forget about him. I cant delete his shit yet as I cant. I don't now if we ever will speak again, but I doubt it. This time its for real, there is no forgiving what I did. I told him that you hurt the ones you love and I am proof of that. I bid him a farewell and now need to figure out what to tell people in regards to us.
This chapter is over...
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What A Fucking Mess...

OMG what a fucking night -
Frank and I started email chat in regards to the trip, things like cash, power converters etc...eventually he made some joke in regards to condoms, a brand I'm sure is for "larger" men. Anyway I told him in replying to his joke, that I would need the "larger" - he wrote back, "Bitch" -
He eventually invited me over, for a bite to eat, he was going to whip up dinner. After a while we played that card game again, which I actually quite like...We started chatting after that and drinking. I have recollection of last night and some bits are blurred out -
I remember asking, how he holidays. Does he do excursions, lay on the beach etc. When I said lay on the beach, he made it sound like he doesn't do all that much of that. He did say or explain, that this holiday is "us" together going away. That should he chat to people or go another way to not get upset, that he isn't ignoring me etc. Mentioned that it isn't a sexual romp away. I didn't want that, nor did i need to hear that. To him, we are just 2 guys. I went on to say, "what if I met someone and wanted to bring them back?" He was sorta stunned at that question but eventually said, "he would go take a long shower" etc. We got on about other guys..meeting and not meeting, as I again had gone through his emails while he was in the kitchen and saw more of the same. I remember throwing a glass against the wall and his shock and horror at that. At some point he threw my purse out a window and it landed on a roof below. Trying and trying to understand. I remember talking about putting each other at risk, should other people be involved. I told him how by him meeting other people, and getting blow jobs puts me and him at a risk. He threw back that I was with Rob a number of years having unsafe sex, all the while knowing he was cheating in some form. I don't think that was or is a fair comment. I don't think Rob did anal with these guys - He wanted and expected me to clean up my mess, which eventually I did, getting down, vacuuming. He then told me about my bag at which point I went out the window on to the roof top and got my bag...which was cold and wet but I didn't/don't care. At one point, he wouldn't even give me any wine, as he topped himself up. After doing something, which I don't recall, he topped my glass up too. Which really isn't a good thing as I/we get too drunk and don't recall things the next morning. I remember looking at the time at one point and it was almost 3:45am, we had been arguing for well over an hour or 2, hell maybe 3. We went to bed, I don't remember that at all. I sorta think that when I awoke I was touching him in some manner. but at about 8:05am we got up and him in a fury, a rush. So still half drunk it seemed, I found my clothes and got changed - shoes on and a rush out the door. I said to have a good day, and that I was on my way home. He said, "not going to work?", I said no and walked off. I sent an email on the way just saying - If we were still on for the holiday. That in order not to lose cash and points, to just go, have separate holidays but away. That if he wanted to, we could ask for separate rooms. I apologised for last nights antics, though I think he should to - and left it there. I took a cab home. When I got home, I cried my eyes out in bed, thinking, what the fuck is happening, what the hell is wrong with me!? Can I go on this holiday? Do I want to..What about him. Yes, no...lose $$ - What a fucking mess -
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Tipsy In Cuba...

Well I hadn't seen Frank since last Saturday...Last night we chatted and I went on over.
The night started out fun...he was in the kitchen cleaning up...he looked so cute and I missed him, so I kept him company in the kitchen as he cleaned. He went on to tell me about some medical/dental issues and what not. At one point he wrote me a note, it said, 1. Holiday possibilities and 2. Etc...Not sure what it meant but was funny. As a joke I brought him those adult diapers I got as a free sample, as a joke, from these girls at work. It went over well and we laughed. At one point I said, "I don't know why I keep taking them from place to place every time I move." - He came back with, "moved? I know only of one, unless you're lying." I said, "I don't lie" -
We went on to have a drink or 2, he cracked out the cards and we played, "Hand and Foot" of course I lost. Even in those situations he is encouraging, "you're doing good", "that's a good hand."
Sitting back on the sofa, somehow we got on about weight loss, mine. He looked at me with a smile, and said, "Look at you, look how skinny you are." I'm shy in that situation as I don't like being told I look good or anything of that nature, in regards to my looks or body. but he went on on how Ive lost weight even since we've met. I said it was about 10lbs or so. He said how it shows in my face, how I have a totally different face from when we met. He took out his camera to try and snap a photo or 2 of me, to show me the change. I told him I don't like being photographed and we had a good giggle. At some point in the evening, he said, "Lets look at this vacation thing." To his PC we went, we looked at options. He sat next to me and was being sweet to me, its those moments I love and that make me smile. Those aren't moments I wouldn't share, with even my best friend, so to me they are special. We decided and booked it. Eventually, somehow, in regards to the confirmation email. I don't know how we got on the privacy of emails and I obviously said something wrong cuz a fury of anger flew around the room. I remember crying, I remember him telling me to get out of there, to leave his place, twice I remember. I went to get my jacket and shoes and asked that he call a cab. How I managed to stay, I don't know. It was such a great night and then that? I remember throwing myself in bed and that's it. I don't remember him coming to bed at all. But next thing..I wake up next to him, cuddled up against him. He got up first and went to make coffee. I got out and sat on the sofa, clutching a pillow. Frank said, "You always do that" I said I always have. He wondered if it was to hide my "fat" as it wasn't necessary. I said, "So, we going to give this holiday thing a go?" He hardly remembered booking the holiday. He said, "I don't know"..I said, "OK but let me know as soon as possible as its on my credit card." I went on to remind him that I charged it to my card and that we would redeem his points the following day(which I did). He then sorta made do, and got into it sorta. He said, "Going on holiday..." with a grin. He looked at his calendar and saw that he had already, last night, put a sticky note on his calendar. Then I said I would go make another pot of coffee, and he said that he could do it. I got up and said, "You got the first cup, Ill get the second, you can go get it when its ready." Off I went...second cup of coffee and some chat. Then dressed one more cuppa and off we went. Up the road we walked together and bid good bye at the top of the road. I did as I said I would do, and looked into the vacation pricing etc, and the hotel for the night before as the departure time for our trip is 6am. Sent him an email with the explanation and some links to hotels. I will see what happens. Last nights argument was about, like I said, privacy of emails. I'm not sure what happened. I remember saying to him, "you showed me those emails, you showed them to me." I remember at one point asking him, "how would you feel if I went out and got blow jobs from different guy?" - I never got a response, he was just quiet.
Part of me is thrilled to go away, period. Part of me is scared but excited about spending the week with Frank. See what happens, how we get on, or not for that matter. I don't know what to expect at all, and doing something like this is so not who I am, or was maybe. We have grown tight over the last few months, I think so at least. Another part of me thinks I can go without seeing him until next week, as long as we communicate I OK I think. I wonder what he is thinking about this, if anything. How will we be, spending that time together. Will we grow to dislike each other, or maybe grow fonder of one another? I asked for a hotel room with 2 bed for the stay overnight here, before our flight, will be odd. As well, I'm sure the room will come with 2 beds, so what happens? The norm, where we sleep together, all week? Then I think on the physical side. Last night things would have gone physical if the argument didn't happen. How will he/we, go the whole week without any sexual release in some form or fashion? My minds all over the place, in many ways. I'm happy to get away and spend the time with Frank all to myself with no intrusions. I wonder if I'm the only gay guy he has gone away with, I know his last holiday was alone. I mean he must like me to some degree to go on a holiday alone together. This is where my confusion lies. Why would he not go with the girlfriend? That wont leave my thoughts and wonder of the answer. I could go the way of, fuck it, its done. We will do our best to have fun and enjoy. I made a remark in regards to our departure time. "Leave at 6, get there by 10, drunk on the beach by noon." with a giggle. He responded, "ha ha, maybe you.", that speaks volumes to a certain point. Do we "vacation" differently? Things to do, things we eat....OK I'm going with, "I'm going away attitude." I'm trying to make it look that way, feel that way, as it is, just that I have the feelings not him, not in "that" way. Physical I think yea as he compliments me on it so much at times, and will touch me, feel me. I remember him doing that last night on the sofa.
I cant wait til we are tipsy in Cuba! ...
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Respond To Me Please...

Well I haven't heard from Frank, at all, in 2 days which isn't kinda normal...even if he just were to send a one word email in response, but nothing? I called a few times, nothing, I emailed a few times in regards to this potential trip..nothing?? Has he met someone who replaces me? I'm not holding my breath on this trip. I called this morning and nothing?? I know, if he is home, he is up at this hour, so hes chosen to either ignore my call(s) or isn't at home. IMO not sure which to think or believe. Tonight I have plans with a gal pal right after work so Ill be distracted until my dinner date is done. I don't know why he isn't responding? He did tell me Monday that he was busy, but what does busy mean , where he cant respond to 1 of 4, 5 emails I sent? Or to respond or return any of my calls? Is it Katerina? Is it someone else? Part of me wants him to invite me over for some drinks and chat and when I get the chance, sneak peak at his email to see if any of these "email only" guys have actually become, in person friends, in which case, its over. The emails Ive sent have been all of a different nature. I asked about the trip. I asked if he needed a spanking(he he) Ive asked how his days have been, how or whats been keeping him so busy...nothing. If I don't hear of any confirmation of this trip by Sunday, I will have to tell him that I cant make it that week and potentially the next one if he can make it. I cant wait this long to give notice to work. I am a bit concerned and a bit offended by his ignoring me. If he is ignoring me, where is the attention or time going to? I know we aren't a couple or anything, but as friend?? Respond! Email back or call me or take a call. I know he looks at his phone and would see my number, yet nothing. I have to carry on with my day and not think of him...That is one thing I hate about him, his not responding. What happened to his pursuit against me, his telling me he wants to lay next to me and have fun with me? Things have changed dramatically between us...yet I know, the next time I am with him, I will feel like I have him all to myself, all the while, not knowing what hes been doing behind my back if anything. I need to investigate when I can - Call me..get a hold me - Respond to me please...
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...But I Can Hope...

Only Tuesday, damned! Spoke to Frank last night, he was busy making estimates for potential clients. I called on my way home, and we spoke for about 10 minutes or so. Never has he spoken so much to me on the phone lol or so it seemed. Telling me about his work dramas etc. At one point I had to cut him off as my friend had come out of a store. I asked him to let me know how serious he is about this holiday as I'm dying to go away. He said he was as well and has to figure out this one job before he can commit, but he wants to go. I asked if felt like company and he said no as he was busy, in fact busy most of the week. He said to call him tomorrow(today) and we will chat and see whats going on. I'm telling everyone about this holiday, so I hope it doesn't turn out like last summers camping weekend, which never happened due to dramas. I'm trying to be cool about the whole thing, laid back as to make him comfortable and let him know I'm trying in this "friendship" -
This morning I sent him a good morning email, saying it had been a while since I emailed in the morning...I just asked if he slept well, and was busy today - I'm not expecting a response, though it could happen. I will come home after work, grab a shower and then give a call and see whats going down. I'm hoping things work out, I was a bit skeptical when we chatted last night, I was thinking, he is just saying this and it wont fly. I told him I was going to give notice at work today just so I give enough notice, that was sort of a pressure thing to commit or let me know. We will see. I look forward to calling him tonight and who knows,maybe ill see him? Not sure but I can hope.....
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..A Possibility Between Us....

Well the weekend is nearly over. Was talking to Frank the other day about going on a holiday together, down south somewhere, Cuba or somewhere like that. He said we should seriously consider going and looking into it. I told him I was thinking along the same dates. I went on to call him to talk about this...I asked what he was doing, he said, "Sitting in my diaper" - I was taken back and didn't think he was serious, he was. I asked if he was serious about going away and said yes, I went on to say how the last few times I travelled I had to pay the single occupancy rate and it would be nice to save that for a change, going as double occupancy. I said I would walk on over and we can chat, play games and whatever, as he put it. I arrived and he answered the door in a dress shirt and socks. Up we went, he looked cute in his get up. He went on to do his Saturday ritual of nails and preening. I sat and listened to the radio and he went to grab me a glass of wine. We spoke a bit and then he wanted to play the game he taught me the last time I was there - He won of course. I asked him what he had on under his underwear - He had on a diaper, I told him to remove the underwear and he sat there in his diaper and undershirt. Apart from the diaper, he looked hot. He enjoys the feeling of the diaper against him, he would feel himself through the diaper. He told me he wanted my precum and my load in the diaper and I said no problem. He said how I precum allot, I asked how he knew, he said, hes known me a while...After a few games, a few drinks...with me sitting on the floor against the sofa, he came up to me, dropped the diaper and put himself in my face. The obvious happened for a long time. I would look up at him as he fed me. I felt his thighs, ass, spanking him now and then. Hearing him saying, "Oh shit....Man"...He was enjoying it as was I...I could do that with him, all night long. Eventually to bed and waking up this morning...arm around him, feeling him next to me is the best! We got up as he had to run to a job early this morning. I did glance at his email when he was out of the living room and again I found similar emails like I did last week. I have to go with, they are only emails, and not meetings, I hope he would tell me. I told him a few weeks back that I think he is promiscuous and he says he is not, so I have to trust him. That's one thing I don't have with men especially, trust, so, Frank, I need to trust until otherwise. I want to experience things with him, this holiday, summer days, winter nights, anything we can do together. I try to figure out why he is OK with my constant company, he likes me, I know. Why does he want to go on holiday with me and not the gf? - I wonder what it would be like, 7 days with Frank, all to myself? I have to press on about this holiday as I want it to happen more than anything Ive wanted in a long time. To travel with someone who I'm deeply attracted to, and someone who is somewhat attracted to me, and likes my company...would be awesome if it all went to plan. I sent an email this morning with a few holiday links and telling him that I obviously have an itch to get away...and that the next time I will give him what he asked in regards to the diaper...hopefully that comes across in a few ways, that I am open to sharing those things with him and that I have a sense of humor as well...I have the rest of the day to myself and wont be emailing him, rather wait his response. I will email in regards to the holiday more than anything and hope that all goes well. This holiday, if it happens, would be a dream come true, I hope....Never did I think this could be a possibility between us...

I Had A Nice Day Today....

This roller coaster of a "friendship" shows no signs of stopping!?
On Tuesday I was over, I shouldn't have, in my condition that is. Regardless my desire to see him, be with him over powers me. It was drunken night of stupidity on both our parts. The night before, I was over and glanced at his emails, from other men, and of a sexual nature and it put me off to the point where I told him I saw them. He said they were just emails, I didn't believe him. So the next day, I'm over, and I recall minimal. I remember at one point saying that he showed me the emails, and asked why. When in reality I looked at them alone. Anyway, I also recall balling and him telling me sternly to get out of his house. Being in my condition and not wanting to leave on the terms that led him to say that, I fought to stay there and I did. Very little apart from that is remembered. In the morning we were both in bed, it was 9:45 in the morning, we slept in and we never do that. I have no clue what time we were up til...As we got dressed and had coffee, the odd word was exchanged. I went on to get dressed and freshened up. I put on my jacket and put myself together. I said to him, that I apologised for anything that was said the night before and that I would not be bothering him anymore. Hugged him and shed a few tears and out I went. Miserable day was had, stayed home and sulked all day. I managed to not send him an email. I had a million thoughts and wanted to let him know but didn't. He sent me an email, early evening telling me that they have found his friend alive and in the city, but that that was all the info we had. The odd word here and there and it went dead. He emailed me at the end of his day to tell me how exhausted he was from notifying people his friend was still alive and found. I told him to sit back, chill with a glass of wine and all would be good. The next morning, yesterday in fact, in the morning I sent him a rude email/sexual email. I basically said, good morning and if we could get together for a shag basically. He replied later on that eve and with an, "lol" - I wrote back with an lol as well, not sure that was the answer i wanted to hear. He said he wasn't really sure what I was saying. He said he wasn't into shagging all that much, more of a cuddler, I said I enjoyed that as well. He went on to ask why I was proposing such activities. I told him, that I enjoyed it with him, but that he can easily say, "no." Then he said, Ive done nothing but complain or worse about our encounters etc. and that I was confusing him. I wrote back, "whats there to be confused about?
i thought u liked snuggling and waking up with me and me the same...that's all..." and a phone call was initiated. He told me how he was confused and I explained. He told me he hasn't met anyone and agreed with the whole being cautious bit. I went over, and conversation was easy. He did some work on his PC..and then we were listening to the radio, when they mentioned a word that Frank eventually looked up in the dictionary. We spoke a bit about us, briefly, but nothing new and we carried on with a nice night. He taught me and we played a card game, "Hand and Foot" I think it was called. But it was fun playing that with him, having that kinda fun time. I don't recall much about the rest. I t was nice though, no arguing or tears. Waking up this morning, I rolled over and put my arm around him, my leg against his butt. He took my hand and placed it on his stomach, and I rubbed him, was erotic. I would slide lower and cop a feel here and there. He stopped me at one point and I said, "yea lets get up." Out we went and he made coffee, a few times, when he was behind me for whatever reason, he would caress my butt with his hands, feeling the shape...was a nice feeling. Dressed and all, a hug and off we went. He bid me a, "We will see/speak soon" and down the road I went. I felt so good today, so nice and somewhat, attractive and nice. I wanted to initiate a conversation via email, but based on something we've spoken of, so I just forwarded him a, last minute vacation packages link, and made a joke. I got back this eve, "Interesting" and that was is. I told him it was tempting and how his day was. I didn't get anything back. About an hour later or so, after getting home, I called and basically said the same, that the weather will be nice this weekend and how we can do something maybe. I told him to email and hung up. So now i need to wait for him. But a million things run through my head. Is Katerina over? She called last night, and the called ended with him saying something along the lines of, "OK love ya lots"?? We went on about other stuff, so possibly she is there. They may have gone out. I keep waiting for that letter I sent to Katerina pops up, it has to...not that I want it to. I'm hoping she threw it away or it didn't make its way to her and now, its coming to explode anything I may have with him? So I am a bit, all over the place with thoughts, but try to keep to the positive. I think I left things, very simple and open so it should be OK...as long as "it" doesn't come to haunt me. I am signing of now with, I had a nice day today...
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