We Will See...Again.

Yesterday I came home feeling as if I was coming down with a cold or something. I get home after 2 drinks at the pub, change and smoke a spliff. Yakking with Frank in email yesterday, we were talkin about our days etc, then about the sale of that via rail ticket(that never fell thru) - Talked about how I will get it as the transaction was to take place this morning. I offered to come early in the AM, he offered to out it on the porch, then he said, "not tonight?" - The obvious happened. I went on over and he was on the phone with someone, still dressed in his work clothes he left in. I hung around eventually the phone call ended. Another one came thru a bit later and he said it would be a "fun" call(I thought of the mistress automatically) - I cant tell and don't think it was her, regardless. We went on...We spoke of his missing friend and he sort of broke down. I was playing therapist. I asked what he was thinking, whats upsetting him. I was being supportive. At one point I gave him a bit of a rub down and then he me. Was so nice to feel him manipulating my back and shoulders. We drank a bit and talked. Eventually he asked if I ate and told him now. Asked if I was hungry, I told him I was OK. He insisted, a bite to eat and to the kitchen we go. He cooked up a rice dish with some veggies..was alright lol. Back to bed. I remember wrapping my arms around him. Then waking up holding him. At one point, again, holding his hand and feeling his squeeze back. I got up, made coffee and what not and got him up. Stumbling around and having coffee, we had a nice morning. He was off to his brothers after his work and spend the night there. I wont be seeing him today...and I can use the physical break lol, drinking I mean and late night munchies. I emailed him as to how the transaction, DIDN'T happen, so I'm a bit irritated. I was going to help him and myself. I gave him $50 on Sunday when I went over. He asked if I planted it, and responded with, it was something I wanted to give you - Anyway...I will see him at earliest tomorrow night. I'm OK knowing he is at his brothers...I hope I don't email him again - unless it is a response...
We will see...again -
x

What Ensues....

Last night I did email the guy. Once again at about 4:30 or so, I broke my promise to myself. I emailed him!? WTF? But it wasn't anything dumb really, just saying I was heading out from the parents place soon and if he was up for company. He joked back in email...He responded with, "Mr. Nameless", so I told him my last name, he replied with, "Franco xxx?" OK whatever, you can go by whatever name? Regardless I called him and he spoke in his silliness and I asked if wanted company and he agreed to it, so off I went. I went over, he looked cute in jeans and a sweater. Right now, I totally know I am setting myself up for crap! Lol. Moving on...I went in,first thing I did was, bring him $50 for him, to help him. I knew he was happy with that, then he grabbed me a glass of wine and finally to see who "caught a thief". At one point he went on to tell me, what a special guy was, to which I was a bit shocked and embarrassed by, but said, thanks. He went on to tell me he wanted to share in the experience of "Advent" with me, which shocked me. Firstly cuz what the hell is the "experience" of Advent? I'm not sure. I was touched that he wants to share something like that with me. Makes me feel special. Maybe just maybe he likes me more than a "friend"? I don't know. Regardless, we had a nice night, he sat next to me on the sofa and silliness ensued. That also carried into the bedroom. Was so sensual and erotic. Off back to the sofa and another drink and smoke, at about 11:30 ish or so...Back to the bdrm for some more foreplay and off to bed. Waking up a few times through out the night, with my arms around him was so nice. Snuggled up beside him the morning was so nice for me. We got up, he made coffee and the morning was a bit rushed as we woke up late and he had an early call.
This evening I sent him an email about the "sale" of the Via Rail voucher. He told me he originally threw it out, but retrieved it now. I told him I was under the weather, but somehow we need to figure out how to get this voucher? He leaves at the same time tomorrow, that's 7:30...so I'm not sure how its gonna end. My intention was to go over, spend the eve and go from there, but feeling as I do, I don't think that's gonna happen. We will see what happens, what ensues...
x

Thank You Mr. Bently!! x

The last 3 days and nights have been wonderful. Celebrating another year on earth turned out better than expected. Wednesday night in conversation with Frank, I told him how I would love to wake up next to him on my bday, and he invited me over. We had a fun night...we fooled around which was so hot to me. I didn't get off nor did he, so hormones we raging to say the least. It was awesome to wake up next to him on the 24th, arms around him, sweet. He made me "birthday coffee" and toasted and read my horoscope for the year, he was sweet that way. I went to work with a smile on my face and had a great day. In the evening a friend of mine took me for drinks and a small bite to eat. I called Frank to ask what time, he said, whenever. I told him Id shower and pop on over. My friend was kind enough to drive me. I get to the door, Frank answers, looking as hot as ever with a smile and sang, "Happy Birthday" on the way up to the apt, was funny. He had cleaned up and straightened up and I took notice. I said he was productive during the day. He said, "Its your birthday, I wanted to be nice for you" - I sat on the sofa, and he brought out 2 glasses and some sparkling wine and toasted to my bday. I was emotional as the one thing I hoped for since we had out last bust up, that I wont have anyone "special" on my bday. I recalled how fantastic it was to ring in 40 in Rome, and what a turn in events this year, but I was in his home for my 41st - thrilled I was. Eventually off to the kitchen. He had it all set up so nicely. Table set up, with a plant that he bought for me, candle in the centre of the table...He started to get dinner ready and I got teary eyed, I said to him, "I'm not going to cry and I'm going to say this just once..No one has ever done what you've done and I thank you so much." - He smiled and dinner began. We had a nice conversation, finished up dinner and off to the living room for some drinks and a movie...again things got a bit erotic. Holding his hand is one of my favourite things, feeling him hold back is the best, better than a kiss, which I crave from him as well. To bed we went...Woke up early and had a very erotic Friday morning. I was pleasuring him in bed. He is so hot when getting pleasured. The way he moves his body, the way he squirms and the sounds he makes. I love when he put his hand on my head and uses me for pleasure....I love looking up at his body as I pleasure him, feeling his beautiful chest and stomach, running my hands all over his thighs - hot. I eventually came over his crotch. Again he used my cum to lube himself and climax all over himself. I love watching him orgasm - too hot. A good start to the weekend Id say lol. Last night I met up with friends for a drink and again he invited me over to watch a movie, but that he was tired. Aren't we all...I just love being in his company. I sent him an email earlier in the day, thanking him for the events over the last 2 nights, that he would hate to read it, but that I loved him and that he was more like a new best friend. On the eve of my bday, talking about finances and things, he broke down. I think is worried as to where the next check comes from, how his acct is getting lower and lower. He was sobbing and that I cant stand to see. I went up to him and told him, that I would do anything to help him, that I don't have anything, but wouldn't let him or, don't want him to worry, that he isn't alone and if he needs, he has to call on me, let me know and Id do whatever I could to help him, and I truly and honestly would. I told him how I am so happy that I know him and don't want to see him upset. Anyway, last night I went over, to watch a movie...got high first, and a few drinks...I was being silly with him as he was with me...at one point I told him to take off his clothes...lol. He stripped down to his underwear, and that's hot enough for me...lol, then I did as well. I don't recall the rest of the evening, but I awoke next to him, my arm around him, cuddling next to him and no resistance. At one point, he turned and his hand was next to me so I grabbed it to hold and he held back...I think he knows my love for him is strong - he asked if I had made the coffee and I said no, but that I would go, he told me he was teasing...We got up and started the day...drinking coffee and talking, was nice, my favorite time with him. The was no physical activity today and I'm OK with that lol... He told me his day was all about laundry and cleaning etc. We walked together up to Bloor, he needed to grab the necessities and then we parted, he put his arm against my back and said, "enjoy the day and speak soon." - I said, for sure and off I went.
The last 3 nights with him have been awesome and Ive told him that...I thanked him profusely for helping me enjoy my birthday and considering I am not one whose about the big day, he made it so special for me. I am going to try and not email him all day today and see what happens. I hope he contacts me...He was supposed to go to the ROM with the "mistress" and her husband?? Don't ask, but he was too tired, hence, movie night. I don't know why, this past week, I think cuz of his injury, Ive felt as if he wouldn't go around look in for sex...That's always my fear. He must know that I work all day and have spent half the month at his place in the evenings. I know he has free days and more free time that me, and that always conjures up thoughts I wish I didn't have. I think he sees me more than the "mistress" and for that I feel kinda special. I kn ow we are friends, close friends. I don't hear much of other friends and again I feel special that he continues to want to hang around with me...I'm going to see how this day pans out, if I can keep my word to myself...I will let you know, but the biggest thank you to Mr. Bently!!
x

Hope It Goes Well...Again

Well, Ive been over twice since my last entry and both, for the most part have been fun. We havent slept in the same bed, if anything, not the whole night. He hasnt kissed me, hello or goodbye, so I dont know. Im saddened by that but I still see him, often too. We spoke of the "mistress", some last night, but more this morning. He mentioned her a few times and she called last night, and I called him out on it, in a good way. I asked about the call and he told me the "joke" this morning. Today while having coffee, I asked him if he gets jealous, and he saind, hesitantly, "they dont have a sexual relationship"...and paused. It pisses me off totally, but thats a different "page" in his life, one Im not on. have to let it go! - Men on the other hand....
I remember, for whatever reason, I think to help him around the apt, bad back and all, he had to hold my hand. I remember, he doesnt im sure, but, he grabs my hand, and squeezes. I remember at that moment, how nice it was to feel his strong hands, gripping mine back, was nice. It of no memory to him at all im sure. Today I told him about selling those VIA rail tickets if he wasnt going to use them and so on. He agree to try and sell them, and I offered half to each. Who does that!? WTF. He should be so fucking greatful. I remember last night, twice, I told him I wanted to go down on him, fell on deaf ears. I didnt even really want to, it was more "to see" what would happen. I then, tonight told hm how I was taken out for a "pre" bday bite and drink and sad he asked if my bday was today, i told him when and said if he was free Id like to spend it with him, He agreed,, telling me me he cant do all the trimmings...I told him a few drinks, a joint and a fun night, that I was simple....and now I await his response, though I think its a definite. The sad part really is, that Im not to all worried about other guys at the moment, as he really cant function normal, with his pulling his back and all..that sounds dumb I know. I wonde what will happen on my bday - I told him Im not all, ga-ga about bdays, I dont make a big deal out of it...so Im hoping he makes for a nice night -
We are just friends at the moment, but wont stop at letting him know, and he does know, how I feel for him I think Thursday will be hard, and at the same time, hope it goes well....
Ill keep you posted -

In Almost Every Way....

Yet once again the drug and booze fueled evening brought on endless rants and calls to Frank on Friday night. Saturday morning I sent an email apologizing for the emails. He wrote back eventually asking if I remembered the voice mail I left. I was going to ramble of the "I drank too much" bit, but thought otherwise. I just wrote back, "no" - He went on to question me if I had taken the Grace Kelly TIFF passes and I said I took them with the DVD. Then he asked about the dinner coupons. I again said yes. He said I was a "funny" guy and he meant in the Indian giver kind of way. He thought I have those things to him to sort of compensate for costs incurred while getting to know me, parking tickets, damaged glasses etc. Asking why I offered to send him money then reneging on my offer etc. I wrote back that if he wasn't irresponsible, he never would have gotten those parking tickets, therefor I have nothing to do with it. I asked if he wanted the extra check I got as I was concerned about him not having steady work. That what I had done for him was cuz I care not because I felt I owed anything to anyone. He wrote back that he thought I was moral and raised properly. I said I was. I was honest to people like my mom and that I was raised good, but felt no need to offer something when I was thinking one thing and him, something else. All this time Ive been a "friend" and I thought otherwise. I thought we were going down a different road yet I was wrong. And those words Friday morning hurt me more than anything in a long time. I went on in one email and said, "Friends - sure" - He went on to tell me that he was going to watch the other Grace Kelly flick. I wrote back and said, "OK" - he wrote back with a few question marks?? I didn't understand. I was thinking maybe he wanted to watch it together? Why the ?? - I wrote, with an LOL - What? You said you were off to watch a flick and I wrote back OK...I didn't understand what he was after? That was the end of our communications for last night. This morning I sent a simple email, asking how the movie was and what I watched. I probably wont hear til later on today but when I do and he mentions whatever - I am going to say, intentionally, "It would have been nicer if I had a nice butt to eat, possible through crotchless fishnets, during intermission or after the flick was over." to see what kind of reaction I get. Probably, "not going to happen" and that is fine, that will set more of a precedent and put me in my place. I am going to use the excuse that he is out of town, at his sisters, like he mentioned he may do. This will buy me a week or so of time to figure out what I tell others about us and make it look like he did something for me to stop a physical relationship. I await his response but not in a good way. Ive lost him as a boyfriend and probably never was. I kept thinking of when we first met and how things were, things we did and it brought tears to my eyes almost every time. He was perfect in almost every way....
x

Im Done With Him..Again.

I swear to god this has to be a joke??!!
Last night went over to Frank's, the last time I do that.
The night as always started out nicely, flipped in a movie...during it we chatted, but more so afterwords. It again got out of control on his part. Again he mentioned the CL ads to which upset me. On about meeting other guys for blow jobs?! Wtf! Regardless, to bed we went, he slept in clothes and me in underwear and undershirt. I did awake at one point, saw him there and wrapped my arms around him, felt his tummy which he says he loves. Again, we get up - and have coffee, I start, "another night of tears when I said I wouldn't.". "what do you mean" he says - NO recollection! I said that I was all good and dandy with drinking the night away, but things like last night, no more. Again no recollection, he asked me to tell him. I said, just like I have "episodes", last night, again, the second time since Sunday, he had one. Made me feel like shit, I told him. We began to speak of "us". I told him, how I see him as a boyfriend, my boyfriend. He eventually said, "I don't think we are ultimately suited as lovers." What could I say. Again he mentioned meeting as friends and went beyond. Ya it went beyond, cuz HE made it. I said to be platonic, it didn't happen. He said, hes tried, "not to sleep" with me the last few times, I said, "nice". Yet 2 days ago when you sat on the sofa next to me and rubbed yourself against me, that was OK? I told him I don't do that with "friends". He says, "maybe we can be friends" - As far as I am concerned, that's not an option anymore. I slowly took back things I gave him, like the 2 for 1 Grace Kelly passes, the dinner vouchers and the DVD I made for him. I would have grabbed the knife but had no clue where it was. I took back my shorts, telling him I was going to do laundry. He had the audacity to say to me, "I never saw you wore them." What!! I said what did I go in the bdrm to change into?? Only the last2, maybe 3 times I sat there in my under shorts otherwise, I was in my shorts!!! I'm so sad and angry! We left the house together, walked down the road, I said, "have a good day", before I realized he was going to the store down the road, so we walked together, silently. At the top of the road he said, "well enjoy." I just said, "yea." and walked off. I said that I invested 4 months of my time for absolutely nothing. Forget that I placed an ad looking for friends, we went beyond that, together and willingly. I recall telling him to not do what he did to me, to others. He said Ive been telling him for months that Ive fallen for him...When he mentioned not trying to have sex with me, I said just the other week, we fully got off, yet you weren't trying to sleep with me, be with me?! Its like I am at him beck and call, when he is horny. And at the same time, you tell me the night before about meeting guys for blow jobs. For a man who is knew to being queer, he certainly acts like typical promiscuous fag. I remember mentioning last night how I had to deal with Katerina, yet I say nothing bad as I don't know her from Adam, so I think I need some respect that way. She sucks your dick, then I suck your dick, that's the game. I will not email him at all! Fuck him. He has jeopardized a relationship and friendship. For that I'm angry and sad. I said that I think of him all the time and that's why I, picked up the knife for him, gave him dinner vouchers. I said, since we had listened to episode of, the vinyl cafe, that when I heard they were coming to Toronto, I thought he would like to see them and purchased tickets. That there was and is no motive behind that. I thought of him, thought he would like and I just did it. I would be so flattered if anyone even just a "friend", did that, yet to Frank its, "meh"??? I want to see if he asks me to go? I don't know if he will email me? Sunday when I left he knew I wasn't happy and emailed me. Same scenario today, and should he, I wont hold back. I hope he notices things I took, things missing. Ive told him how I am there for him, in many ways, yet he is OK to pretty much insult me right to my face? I feel like an idiot. He hates when I say I wasted my time, I said last night that I declined meeting people to be with him. Shit what more could someone want? I don't get him and don't think he understands or sees it. When Ive said certain things as mentioned earlier, at times, he put on this "really" kind of look on his face? Fuck I love him and I think I'm done with him....again...
x

Love Ya Guy...

Last night after an early dinner with a co worker, I got emails from Frank...instead of writing back and forth, I called. He always answered, "morning"....hes too cute. I asked if he wanted company etc and eventually I went over. We had a fun night, he put in a movie, "Dial M for Murder" - Firstly Ive always wanted to see that movie and was happy with his choice. We had a nice chat, work, life etc. During the movie I decided to focus and enjoy it. I think that threw him off lol. He eventually brought himself to the sofa as I watched. He, again and for the first time in a few weeks, he came close to me, and brushed himself against me, as if for me to kiss him on his neck etc. It was so nice, I couldn't believe how much I missed him doing that to me. I remember tickling him in revenge for not letting me focus on the movie. It was a nice night and I walked to work with a smile on my face, not like the other day. I told him not to make plans on the 24th, but he said he may be going up to his sisters on the 22nd, so I'm hoping that doesn't happen. This morning I wake to find him on the sofa, he drank too much, made some "noodles" and crashed there. I was so looking forward to waking up with him next to me. Next time I hope. We had coffee and fun chat was had. I love seeing him in his cap, ready to go. He is responsible thankfully, I hugged him and kissed his neck, and out the door we went. He said that we will see each other soon and we will. It was so nice to see him get close to me again, I loved it.. Nibbling on his neck was so sweet. I sent him 2 emails today, one was about a discount or comp to a Grace Kelly exhibit here in town which I think he will respond to. Its still early....The first was to thank him for "movie" night and that we would do the other films soon if he wanted. I wont email him, have no clue of his plans. He did tell me that the "mistress" works in Toronto, so for that I wasn't thrilled. If and when he responds tonight, if any word about getting together, I will decline. I do want to say that I wished he would come to my place one night, so I can be host. Ive usually heard from him by this time, but tonight, not yet. Maybe later on....I do love this man, he knows it and I know it, so....I hope to see him in the next day or so..I mentioned the wknd thing, and that sorta went no where....I mentioned the vacation thing, that too went no where..its OK, I get it, really. I wasn't just "friendly" yesterday....there was no sex, but the actions of last night, are not what friends do..I don't at least. I want him here soon if only to be a good host with him and return the favour...I hope to hear from him, and after 2 emails, I don't think I would email him til I hear back, later on I'm sure, or first thing. Love ya guy...
x

Update:
Frank is spending the evening with is niece watching the same movie from last night. I responded with, I want to see the movie again and that my friend has the other Grace Kelly/Hitchcock flick and if he is free tomorrow or Friday we could watch it together. He said we would watch another one soon, so thats nice to know. I love him, fuck!!!

We Will See How It Plays Out...

I cant keep my word...though I did last night - As I was writing Frank an email, his came through, see yesterdays post. Anyway, at one point I bid him a good night and that we would speak or see each other soon. I emailed this morning, just saying good morning and hoped he was rested. That if we dont speak this morning, we could chat later. I want to show him, prove to him that maybe we can be more than friends. I did mention in my response to his email yesterday that I enjoy waking up with him, sleeping with him. I want to tell him when we chat, that I am a fairly confident person, but when someone shows interest in me, I wonder why. That's my insecurity and that is something he cant deal with and I guess I understand. If I knew he was the only, if I was the only man, it would put me at ease and allot of my "worries" wouldn't exist. I doubt I will hear from him this morning and wont email him until I hear back from his this evening. I'm sure he will email me?? All I can do is wait and hope he misses me enough to ask me over. I have to stop fawning over him. I need to let him know that I like/love him and not just for the obvious, the physical. I'm sure Ive told him this, but probably under the influence of booze. When I say he is a beautiful person, it isn't just physical, its the whole package. He says he is conflicted in dealing with his sexuality, Id like to learn more about that, what he feels etc. He has had full on gay sex, I'm not sure why he is conflicted but again, would like to be there for him. I'm conflicted with "us" - he says that he is not sure we are a match as lovers but I hope he sees otherwise. I told him, that when I'm with him, there are no problems in the world. I feel great, I feel protected and happy. I want to see him again so badly and I do miss him already even though I was with him yesterday morning. I said, I just want to enjoy time together, getting to know one another. I'm not big on birthdays but would love to spend my birthday with him. Nothing special, just be with one that I love. We will see how it plays out....
x

Let's Move On Together...?

Wow - last night was intense at Franks - I'm not sure how it went where it did, but it did. I ended up in tears, telling him I don't want to talk about the past - At 10pm I opted to go to bed, try to forget the evening, the words and the tones of the night. I truly love Frank, honestly and truly. This morning, to him, it was all a vague memory - not to me. He asked about the night and I told him, things that were said, etc. He told me he wasn't "that guy" in regards to feelings etc. I'm not sure what he meant, but I went on to tell him how when I have been with him, our time together, I'm so happy, so removed from the world, and its true. I left this morning, more lost than ever. What happened, why? It was on my mind all day and nothing short of tears throughout the day. He was sweet enough to send me an email at the end of the day, apologizing for his actions last night, that he believes I am truly a nice and genuine guy, not sure about the "lovers" part but that we get on and at the very least, we are good friends. that he hated to see my cry and miserable and that it wasn't his intention. I wrote back, thanking him for the email, thanking him for the apology but that it wasn't necessary. How for the first time since being single, I actually care for someone again, love waking up next to him etc. He said, it isn't something we should talk about thru email but get together and talk. I agreed. I went on to call him from the pub. I thanked him for the email, thanked him for the apology but said that he could always count on me. He has shown me things about himself hes never shown anyone and for that I am flattered and would like more. He said he is confused about himself sexuality wise. I am there for him. Hearing about the mistress really bothers me but I have done everything I possibly can to accept that. There is her and there is me. He said to me when I called him, that he is frustrated at many things in life and again I told him, "you need an ear to vent, a shoulder to cry on, I'm there" I don't know what will happen. I told him in email in response to his, that I enjoy waking up next to someone I care for, someone I love to be with. He said he was hung over and would probably go to bed early and sleep allot to catch up. The fact that he thought of me enough to write that email is nice to me, special to me. I just want to enjoy time with him. He said my initial thing on CL was to meet new people and that we crossed that boundary - he did, not me, he made the first move and eventually I fell for him. I hope we can carry on, I told him that in email and can only await his response and his wants.
I love ya Frank...Lets move on, together?
x

I Await & See, As Always....

Well the email went OK..I sent the one explaining that I want to be more intimate with him and that went over well, covered my butt and it fell through...
I went over last night and brought some wine, pot and a few little things that went over well, I think. I brought him that video I made but it didn't work so I working on that again for him. We had a nice initial chat. I asked about work, he had hurt himself, his hands and that he was upset at, I tried to encourage him that it was a one off fuck up and it wouldn't happen again. Talked about Charlie, his whereabouts etc. I remember at one point, him talking again about the CL ad and his name popping up on google search, I recall telling him to google his name, and glad to see that nothing came up in results. I did everything I could and told him I could have been an asshole and done nothing and let it be there forever, but I'm not and I didn't. I remember saying rude things to him n a sexual nature and that went no where. I'm so confused by him so lost in him. I sorta remember saying that I have met anyone since we met and have forgone sex of any nature because I want to be with him, I still got no where sexually. We spoke of going away on a holiday together but Im not banking on it, I would but am afraid and think it is only talk....I went off to bed at one point to awake a few hours later and find him, again, on the sofa, with a glass of wine in hand. I got up and joined him on the sofa...a but of chat and off to bed again. I'm not sure what to do with him, what I want him to do with me. I'm scared that it will/is coming to an end. I want him so badly in a physical way that I cant take it any longer. The next thing I remember is him saying, "I'm leaving in 4 minutes." and that prompted me to get out of bed and get dressed. He drove me to the top of the road which I didn't expect and was glad he did, I was a mess this morning. The last thing I can try is to burn this video and watch it with him and see where it goes. I'm telling you he had it off with the "mistress" and he didn't need anymore. It was nice to kiss him goodbye this morning, on the lips and I sent on a message. I will see what he says upon his return and hope that we can do something together....I await and see, as always -
x

Update -
I went on to send him another email just telling him that I want to be with him more intimately. I asked why we haven't in the last 4 months? If he wasn't attracted to me, I'm too fat or he just doesn't see me that way. I have a vague recollection of a chat last night in regards to that. That if he doesn't want to, then I may just look for it elsewhere, unfortunately I'm not like that but it is something I need on a more regular basis. Are we just friends who occasionally get off? I don't like that idea, that scenario so as I said earlier, I await and see what he says. I'm scared but have no choice. Not at this point at least, he is in total control and I think he knows it...

Wish Me Luck...

So seems Frank is having some drama with a co worker and I await to hear whats going on with that. Last night I went to the pub, chatted with a few people, mainly to scope out this man that messaged me the other night, was kinda freaky so I thought Id tackle that....to no avail, regardless. I came home, smashed and got high. I went on to write Frank an email, which I should never have done, I should have left it at the last one I wrote. I knew he was going out to a show and should have awaited a response later on today. Anyway the last one I wrote last night had me include the "mistress" - I was saying how shes gonna blow him or him fuck her etc...and again!!! what I mean to him as a man?? I was so pissed at myself! Stop it. I think I was just thinking how he can be in public with her, hold her hand or even kiss her etc. The to cover my ass, hopefully I wrote him this morning, basically saying how the email last night just meant that I wanted to be intimate with him, like he is with her. I recall the other night chatting he said, "I fuck her" - I want to be the male version of her! I want him to take advantage of me that way...I want to kn ow what he is like when he is into more than mutual masturbation. I want to make out with him again, be naked in bed and intimate. When I watch porn, gay straight or otherwise, I always think of him and me re-enacting those scenes. When I watch scenes that are similar to things we have done I get so aroused. Anyway I went on to explain that, and asked about "her" is she was Italian, with a name like hers etc. Then went on to tell him about my "stalker" and how the previous email was sent under a cloud of ganja...not drink...but ganja. Then went on to ask about his co worker and what he has heard or not for that matter....I hope it doesn't blow up in my face as I said in last nights email. Hopefully..I started that email with an "lol" so hopefully he gets that I was being silly and stupid and not serious...We will see. I hope to see him tonight but after that I wonder. I'm sure he got his "fill" last night and may not be up to anything intimate, but I guess I await.....wish me luck!!....
x

An All Around Good Guy...

You know...last nights conversation and this mornings "remembering" are two different stories and that's OK with me - I stiffed my friend last night who kept me waiting for a long time and headed over to franks. I brought wine, we chatted etc. He asked at one point, do you want to talk about "us", I recall...I said sure and then he came back with, we will just touch on this a little bit, we have been drinking etc. He mentioned the ad on CL that ended up in google search. He was glad and thankful that I did, and I did, did whatever it took to remove it from search results on google. He cried a bit at the fact that someone would do that, me. I tried to ensure him, that it would never happen again, that it was a "moment" - He still shed tears and that killed me. I asked a few times about, Katerina. I asked if she knew about me, he said, that she knows he has an "interest in men" - I asked if he loved her and I don't recall the response. He told me he fucks her, which was a slap in the face for me, as that hasn't happened with me and him. I told him I talk/speak of him and it comes across like we are boyfriends. I remember saying something to the effect of, you have Katerina, the women's side, can I be the one, for the men;s side? Again, I don't recall the conversation. I do recall waking up at about 2 or so, and not finding Frank in bed with me. I went out of the bedroom into the living room to find him asleep on the sofa. Initially I was afraid I did/said something that made him not want to sleep with me. But again I went up to him, like I did a few weeks back, and told him to come to bed, and he did. I don't think I said anything to not make him sleep with me. We cuddled together and about another 45 minutes or so in, I had to devour his manhood and make him feel nice, the sounds and actions to my satisfying him were so erotic. The way he moves his body, the sounds he makes, so hot to me. He made some comment about, not being able to come, to which I said, its OK. I wasn't doing that for a climax, but rather on a more selfish reason, I love doing that to him and he has a great body as well as a nice "organ". I stopped after a while and went back to bed. Alarms ring and up I get..Frank laid in bed asleep. I eventually get dressed and made up and eventually go to the bedroom, asking Frank if he had to work in the morning. He said yes and I told him the time and up he went. He went to make on coffee and get into a robe. I have to tell you Frank has the biggest, low hanging balls Ive ever been with, very sexy. Back on track, at one point I asked him, I have 2 questions...one one was of his friend Charlie and they're working relationship...and about 15 minutes later I said, the next question is...."Do you think anything was accomplished between you and me with our chat last night?" - He said he didn't think so. That's not bad or good to me. I could then carry on being silly etc, sharp tongued and all. In the end I took the initiative to get ready for work - grabbed my shoes, jacket on and I bid him goodbye. I/he kissed me on the lips and gave me a hug. I held him tight, kissing the back of his neck. His hands on my upper body and then him saying to me, "You are cute." I said, "You re cuter". A good bye and have a good day and we went our separate ways. Him telling me I was cute out such a spring in my step, it put a smile on my face for the most part of the day. But I don't remember certain parts of last nights conversation and neither does he. So at some point I will have to enquire about certain things, Katerina, boys from after the first one he met, early on in our friendship. I sorta know this is wrong for me. At one point, early this morning before I got out of bed. I was aroused in bed, laying on my back and him on his back next to me. I grabbed his had and led it towards my crotch. I laid it down so he could feel my arousal and he giggled...that was it. I didn't bother doing anything about my situation, but I cant keep my hands off him and I do that, and nada. there have been a few similar situations. I do recall him once saying in conversation, that he was the "man". almost as if to remind me, women don't have dicks to play with and there for its sorta of a stereotype thing between him and I. I will ask him, eventually again about him and I. I tried hard to convince him that my episode, if that's what he wants to call it, was just that, an episode. It happened, and I tried with every ounce of my being to get it removed as I said I would. Cached or not, it will no longer show up in results. I hope this means something to him, shows him something about me. His, "you're cute comment" honestly put me over the moon and I hope there is more he sees. I'm not sure if I told him this, but will say it again to him. When I said or say, "he is beautiful/you are beautiful"...it is not just on a physical level. He is smart, intelligent, worldly a million times more than me, so I feel an idiot around him. He doesn't make me feel like on at all..quite the opposite, very supportive of me in many ways. An all around good guy...
x

I Wish He Was...

Well last night I had a somewhat emotional night. I didn't hear from Frank and went on to email him. I told him how I miss him when we aren't together but that I know he has a life outside of me, as do I. I told him I feel like a secret sometimes, I mean that all good and dandy, so long as I know where I stand. I told him how I have enjoyed our time together, how I look forward to it and never want it to end, but that I feel he doesn't email me unless I email him. I asked in regards to meeting other people and I hate that I put that part in. In the end of the email I told him it wasn't an episode, its just a guy having feelings for another. He wrote back saying how he doesn't email much etc, that hes told me. That the rest has to be something we discuss face to face and yes I'm up for that. I told him how he told me the other night that I was "hot and funny", I know it was under the influence of vino, but hoped that it was genuine. I'm glad he didn't take it the wrong way or so it seemed that way. Ive seen the way he looks at me when I fess my feelings for him. I'm not sure if its a look of, "what have I done?" - "The feelings this guy has for me?
...I don't know. You know as long as he can tell me, I'm the "one guy" as we've spoken of before, then I OK. I just need to know. I could handle days apart if I knew he wasn't looking for others.
He said that the type of email I sent him was too much to communicate through email and to that I agreed and said yes we need to discuss in person. I'm always afraid that when I leave, it could be the last time I see him and that scares me, that Ill tell him. I'm glad he didn't lose it on me, I think I was calm about it, just expressing feelings. We will see what happens. I offered tickets for Friday and he cant make it, so Ill give them back. I know he is busy Friday so that's out of the question, maybe tonight or tomorrow? But like I said, I wont email him, apart from the responses I sent on this morning. So I await... I told him how I speak about him like he is so special to me, how I speak about him, like he is a "boyfriend"....and I wish he was....
x

I Await His Next Email...

So apparently Sunday Franks PC and phone both died? OK...
Didn't hear from him til Monday late afternoon - I told him how his name no longer brings up results from those CL ads I put up, thought he'd be happy at that but no acknowledgement of that, no thank you no nada...that's cool. I went to the pub after work, sent him an email asking if he wanted another back rub, then joked that no, he now owes me one. I said I could bring stuff over and that it wouldn't be a late night as I hadn't slept the night before. No response. I went on to call him, I figured when I got home, if he was up for company, Id shower and get going. We spoke for a minute, telling me he was catching up on emails etc. I said OK no worries, you let me know, he said, "Oh I will"...as if to say, oh yea don't worry about that and our conversation ended. I was a bit sad but why? Its only been 2 nights?? I guess I miss him, I was a bit sad but that's just my insecurity I think, but wish he would just email me out of the blue sometime. I'm not going to, I always say that, but I have to keep this word to myself. I know that he will miss me, he will want to see me. Like I said, Saturday I was coy and not letting on that I would come over, or invite myself. I waited for him to ask me over. It will have to happen again, him asking me over. I don't make plans for fear that I will miss an invite from him, but tomorrow I'm dining with Tim so I'm not free tomorrow, so if not tonight it wont be til Thursday, that will kill me but I think as long as I'm busy it doesn't bother me, I just worry if he is looking elsewhere?? That again is my insecurity. I thought the "niece" excuse was a lie until I was over and saw the sofa made up for company. So I should have more trust. I will await his next email....
x

Love Ya Mr B...

Omg what a fun night -
I played it "off" last night, when it got to a certain time and I hadn't heard, I wrote Frank. Asking how the new job went etc, and a conversation was started. Eventually he mentioned pot and I mentioned the extra hour last night, to which we both, "yayed" lol. I thought it too late to step out, but again it was Saturday and the extra hour was a good thing. I told him to take a photo of his joint, he told me it'd be better to see it in person and to take a pic in person. So an invite was initiated. I went on over, hung around and what not. We laughed so hard at certain situations that arose, he is too funny sometimes. He said how he loves laughing and to smile and I told him he does both for me. Talking sexually he said how when I please him with my tongue, anally how he loves it, how it feels so good and I think I'm the only one who does that. He told me he hadn't showered, but I don't care, I now he isn't dirty, so the deed was done again. I love doing that with him. In an email earlier in the day, I apologized for my morning "antics" to which he didnt understand lol. Then I went to give him a little shoulder massage. That went over well. He liked it and asked me to wait as he got some oil and I massaged his upper back. I was nice doing that, and I dont know why lol. This morning in bed pleasuring him was so erotic. Sitting next to him on the sofa this morning, him naked as well as me but hidden behind a towel was so nice, I love it and want those moments to never end. Frank had to work this morning so up early, coffee and out we went. I told him I was going my way and we bid each other good day. I emailed him twice on the way home and so the rest is up to him. I told him that next time to kiss me good bye before we leave the apt as he knows how much I look forward to his kisses and then how I was craving bruschetta and was gonna whip some up, and that Id bring some over, if it was any good, tonight or tomorrow if I see him, hint hint. I told him I wanted him to come to my place sometime soon, how he can walk, or TTC it as I do, and he said, "ya"....I hope to hear from him later hopefully he doesn't work too long and is feeling up for company, that would be a great end to the wknd. I will keep you posted - I love you Mr B... -
x

Let's Hope He Understands & Appreciates...

Well the last 3 nights I spent at Frank's. It was mostly fun, mainly fun. I keep going over with the attitude to have fun. The first night was silly and fun, drinking and laughing. I went over the next night and last night. Waking up next to him every morning was great, I loved it, wrapped around him in the early mornings is awesome to me. He said a few nice things through the nights. One night he told me I was hot, and a funny guy. Him calling me hot, wow. He went through some photos and things of that nature with me last night. 2 mornings, when we sorta awoke, I fondled him, and at one point he stopped me. This morning I took matters into my own hands in regards to self satisfaction and jokingly said, "thanks for your help". Sex is odd between us, but OK with me. I want to do more, but don't press on all that much. There were moments I just stared at him, looking at his face, his feet, hands, chest, arms, listening to him and trying to have decent conversation with him. I recall last night on bit of conversation about me asking, how many guys hes met or guys who've gotten him off, but vaguely. He cooked for me, got me drinks and even held my hand in bed, was nice. Weekends always throw me off as I always think its the best time to get together, hang out - his niece is supposedly over tonight and he is working in the morning. I'm very relaxed in our conversations and always suggesting we be together. There seems to be some wall up, sexually. I can anally gratify him with my tongue and I love how he loves it, but other times hes pulls away and don't know why? Tonight, Friday, I am in for the night and he as I mentioned is with the niece. Not sure what will happen on Saturday but Id love to get with him as we can sleep in or stay up late. I have to try and not get looped early int he day but I'm sure boredom will kick in and Ill at the least smoke up, but its better than being liquor looped. I wish at time he would suggest coming over here. I did find out that the night he found me at O'gradys, he got a $60 tickets for a 15 minute non visit. I felt bad but he has to be responsible and I know he had been drinking before hand. Night before last I grabbed some food, sandwiches, samosas, some salami and crackers. We nibbled late at night and off to bed eventually. Curled up in bed with him Friday morning was so nice, wrapped around him. Ive mentioned things for my birthday, like making me dinner etc so we will see what the next few weeks bring. I'm trying so hard to not get angry, jealous or upset - The other night he got a call from I believe I co worker, and in the conversation, he jokingly said, "Ill fuck you"...I went kinda cold. I jokingly said, "You ll fuck who?" with a giggle, and he came back with that he was straight and they were kidding around. I believe he likes me, I believe he is starting to trust me and slowly going somewhere. I had mentioned if he rec'd the tickets and he had, he had the train tickets the other night. I told him that they were good thru til Dec 2 and that he should take someone who knows the friends he has in Oshawa or Montreal. I would have liked for him to ask me somewhere, for a long weekend but that didn't happen. I'm not sure if he is going to take me to the "Vinyl Cafe" show in a few weeks but I wont ask. Ive mentioned taking advantage of those work, dinner vouchers so we will see if and when he will want to go. He mentioned just before our split in mid October about going away, if I would go with him and I said yes, then that bullshit happened and it was never mentioned again. Ive been trying to plant the seed that I want to go away and lay in the sun, as he had mentioned, hoping he would consider going away but nothing yet. Not sure if he is scared to be or go away with me, alone together on an island, but I would love to have him all to myself for one whole week. I kinda half to lay low, but cant keep from wanting to be with him. When I'm on the sofa and we have these nice chats, I just stare at him as he speaks, he is so awesome to me in so many ways and Ive fessed that up to him. I don't expect anything other than honesty and being treated with respect and that he does. I will await to see what he has to say for this weekend. He got a job that he described as, "not ideal" but it would keep the "wolves at bay", meaning financially - I offered him my check that I was sent from the gov't, telling him that I have steady work and that I would help him keep the wolves at bay. I'm trying to show him I care and want to and would help - Lets hope he appreciates and understands me....x

I Await...

So last night in conversation with Frank about the show we saw, we decided to meet up - I called and he asked if I could grab wine, which I did. I went over, hung around, being silly. We had some serious conversations...I asked what the deal was in regards to, "when I had money" and he told me through divorce and other short comings it came to, "when I had..." -
I asked him if he lived check to check and he told me yes...we are similar that way. We spoke of pets and things - I remember him shedding a tear when discussing, I don't know what!? - but I remember getting up to hug him. I went to bed at one point, only to hear him cooking...lol. I went on over and he made me a bowl of pasta, which we laughed about as we ate...was a special moment, sweet moment for me. In the morning we got up, and I embraced his body. Felt his body up and down, such a nice piece of manly flesh. Eventually outta bed and in the living room for coffee and smokes, he sat next to me. I hugged him so much, felt his body through his robe, nothing sexual. I wrapped my arms around him a few times. I told him how he had beautiful hands and he said, "you used to like my stomach." I said I like all of you, your chest, legs, butt etc and he giggled. I love looking at him. His face. I did eventually ask, if he rec'd the Vinyl Cafe tickets, and he said, yes. Weird no mention at all. I got ready and what not, about to go, and his phone rang, a quick kiss good bye and out I went. Tonight I asked if he wanted to make me dinner again and chatted about travel destinations etc. He told me he had made dinner and was drawing a bath. He asked if I had bubble bath...I asked if he wanted company and he wrote, "OK, good night then" - I called him a snatch, but think I may go on over....He told me he was heading into the bath, so I responded with, enjoy the soak and let me know if he wanted me to pop by and/or grab wine on the way...I await.

Publish Post

Cant Wait For It Again...

Last night while in communication with Frank, he sent on a photo of a "costume" -
I asked if that was his Halloween get up and he told me it, "could be" - I said the odd rude thing and also said I wanted to wake up next to him again - He asked about it happening then and there, about me going over. I told him Id love to but it was late for me. I asked ab out tomorrow, that if he wanted, I wanted. He said he couldn't tonight, but he understood if I had to go to bed, and I did. I wrote this morning telling him I was actually in bed when I wrote the last email and was tired for some reason. I also told him how it was nuts down here and would have been hell to get out of the area...I suggested tomorrow since today wasn't any good and all I can do is hope he agrees or that plans for tonight go wrong. I'm sorta glad he wanted me over or would have had me over, I just wish he told me earlier, I was hoping and waiting that he would ask, it was just too late, so nice to know he still wants me over or to get together with me. He looked so nice when we went to the show together, when the light shined in his eyes, they were so blue and beautiful. I wanted to carry on after the show but wouldn't force or suggest otherwise. I guess and hope that maybe tomorrow I see him...Its only Tuesday and I saw him Sunday but miss him already. I love our private time together and cant wait for it again...
x