..Still Think The World Of You...

Well the year is winding down -
2011, good bad? Bad with family illness, but they've pulled through so far. Friends have been good to me..Work is just that. Ive met a few guys, done the dating thing here and there with no results, not that I was looking for that. Until I met Frank in July - Everything started great with him. Kissing him for the first time was awesome but with time things changed. Things continue to change. I'm still worried about the impending reaction to the letter I sent to the gf. He must have spoken to her since then. Did she receive the letter? Part of me hopes no and that it will go no where, but until I hear about it, I cant stop worrying about it. With the death of Koko, my sweetheart of a cat, I sent him an email with that notice. Telling him I think it is a sign from God, for all the bad Ive done, including him. He sent on a sweet email, telling me not to think that and encouraging words. I wrote back, "Thanks for the email:)" - A few nights later I sent on a drunken email, but wasn't as bad as I thought when I awoke the next morning. In the subject line I put, "I Do...lol" - The body of the email just said, "OK at this point I miss you, hope you have/had a great holiday" and ended it there. Im not sure how that will come across. I will explain/tell him, that I was so used to going out a few times a week to hang out an nothing now due to the holidays. Hes never gone away since we met. I want and wish so badly, that he misses me upon his arrival. It could go the other way as well. I need to, if and when I go over, make a fun night out of it. Nothing heavy, nothing serious and definitely no tears. It will be hard next week when he is back, as I said, I'm scared. Frank made me realize that I can fall in love again. Unfortunately its usually with the wrong people, but a situation like ours, now, isn't something Ive dealt with before. Usually the "friendships" never last longer than the first date or 2 then it fizzles, no communications no nothing and I deal with it. With this situation its different, he wants to remain my friend which is cool. I just cant have the unknown ideas of his meeting men and in this situation I have no right to ask that question. I can however ask, if we get physical again but doubt that will happen as much as I want it to. I have a problem destroying relationships. I have to realise that I am worth more, I mean I know I am, but I'm hooked on this man. The smile, the eyes, the intelligence, the body, the humor....Ive at the same time and I think Frank has shown me part of this as well, I have lost faith in men, in general. Most are after one thing, Frank isn't, at least wasn't with me. We had an intense summer and fall...spending all kinds of time together. The countless night sleeping together, waking up cuddling together will be unforgotten. I for the first time in a long time felt, comfortable, attractive and special. I loved that feeling. Doing the beach day, Niagara, shows etc...as well as some physical activities. Its easy to see how one could fall in love, he must understand that. I have never gone out looking for any kind of relationship, I'm not, nor have I ever been that desperate or sad for that matter. I've told Frank that I don't want one, but these feelings came on. I'd like someone "special" and hoped it would have been him seeing the way things were going. This I will tell him. He did say in an email, how he has been encouraging in my struggles and yes he has. Never insulting. I thank him for that as Ive told him all kinds of bad things and should never have done that. That I think showed a side that he isn't ready to deal with and never wants to. Drama isn't his game and its not mine either. Unfortunately Ive said and done things that would make anyone see otherwise and that I think killed something between him and I. Before that it was pretty good. He said I left him, and I guess in a way I did. What if I hadn't? Upon his return, Ill wait for him communication to me, as i don't know when it is he is coming back, whether it be the Sunday or Monday or Tuesday for that matter. I will communicate with him after that but wont make mention of a get together. Should he then I will bring the things I got him for Christmas and see what that brings on. Apart from that I have to leave this friendship up to him. Thank you for a fun summer Frank, I fell in love with you and still think the world of you -
x

Found this clip from our day in Niagara, just a cute clip -

A Beautiful Moment For Me...

What a roller coaster, that's still on the same ride....
The other night in conversation, I went "sexual" and no response. At one point he told me he was going to see family from the 23rd to the 1st or second. I know family comes first, regardless I wrote, "I thought we had new years eve plans?" and he said just that, family....
Asked about seeing him before the holidays or his departure, he said he was available that night, I said I couldn't but would the next day, Wednesday, and he said that wasn't possible. I said we would see each other after the holidays then, being upset and all. I decided then and there, that that was enough. That he is playing some game and its all up to him and I was done with it. I wrote him an email, telling him all that and the drama starts. He wrote and said that he wasn't a player, adding an lol to that. From there on in I lost it on him via email. Telling him that when he wants "company" its a go, that I'm at his beck and call and that I was done. When I want physical activity it falls on deaf ears. That the extent of my sex life is whats happened between him and I and nothing more, unlike him. Proceeding to get drunk, I wrote to the gf on FB, and then a physical letter. I told him I would do that, that I could care less anymore. I wrote her a letter, more int he frame of, she should be careful, she should get tested. How Frank and I had an STD scare and I'm sure he hadn't told her. I told her that he was a drunk and spills information, about her and other things, hence knowing where to send the letter etc. Attached to the letter where 3 pictures of him in his lingere.Frank said in an email that he still wished to be friends. I told him,after the letter I wrote the gf, he may not want that. He replied with, he doesn't care what I wrote and said to the gf, that she knows about him and so on. I was out with a friend on Wednesday night, when another email conversation started. He made me feel like a shit via email, saying how he never initiated any physical encounter and for that I got mad. He said, he got into it, enjoyed it, and at times turned away from it. I went on to call him and tell him to NOT say I want the only one who initiated our encounters, how dare he! I said how he was the one who would hold my hand, brush up against me, kiss me. How I had stopped initiating anything, from the days when he would stay here - how he made me feel like a cheap hooker. I thanked him for ruining my end of year and holiday season. That the rest was up to him as again, I'm done. As I walked my gal pal to the tube, I emailed asking if we could talk when I got in and he said he would take my call. I get in and call...We discuss being friends, with no sexual encounters. How I was looking for friends, and it stopped. I said, I found you, we have fun, I don't need other friends, at the same time I have met others, just not in the manner him and I met. I don't like the fact that he doesn't want physical contact. He isn't into me, isn't in love with me, so why do I go over? Why do I spend that time I do with him, in his company? I said on the phone, how through out summer and fall, we've seen each other, hung out, whether it be at my place or his, about 4 times a week, that's allot for "friends" - When he told me that he was going away for the holidays, I went on to call and wish him a happy holiday. He wished it back to me and I started to cry. He asked what was wrong, I said, I feel guilty with things Ive done and was just generally sad. I brushed off my feelings and told him to have a nice one and the call ended. Last night I got an email, wishing me the best for the holiday season. I thought he had left, but he was held back cuz of work. I invited myself over, he said he was packing and getting ready to go away for the week - I went over, helped out, hung out - Eventually to bed we went, me in his bed and him on the sofa. Waking up alone in his apt, in his bed is the worst feeling. I awoke at 5:45am, to find him not even on the sofa, he was already up, getting ready. I threw myself on the sofa and waited for coffee. He told me his plan for the week and where and what not. I wanted to leave earlier than I did as I was uncomfortable and wanted to be free. The week without him around will be good for me. I hope he misses me. I now he is bringing his laptop with him, so any communication will have to be on his end, until he is back. Starting the new year, I wont be going over, or if I do, I will not be spending the night, I don't care how drunk we get. At the same time, if the gf, didn't get the letter I wrote by yesterday, it will be in the next few business days and shit can and may hit the fan. So who knows, I may never see him again, I may never go over again. His gift never arrived, so I didn't bring anything. I have a bottle of wine for him and a Grace Kelly calendar that's yet to arrive, so hopefully next week and we can see what happens between us. He mentioned that it was time for a holiday, a get away to warmer weather. We will see who he plans to go with, if the plan sees fruition and who knows once again what can possibly become of anything between us. I watched him closely this morning, and see what I fell for. He is a goofy, not too serious guy - a body to die for, I want to touch him so badly. I will tell him how I torture myself going over or hanging out with him, cuz I want to touch him....As I went to leave, he gave me a big hug, a good strong hug, I loved being that close to him, even if it wasn't an erotic move, it was a beautiful moment for me. ....
c

I Should Have Known...?

Another day with no word from Frank...no good evening, no response to my email from Sunday. I'm thinking, depending how things go over the next week or 2, that come the new year, it will be Frank free. Things have changed too much, maybe its just me. I know its the holiday season and people are busy, but it takes all of 2 minutes to see how things are. I'm not mentioning New Years anymore that's up to him. I will ask him what is up to for Christmas but that's it. I want to get into a talk about friends and what not and remind him, that Ive met no one and that the only person I have shared a bed with over the last 6 months is him. Feeling how I do about him and not hearing from him, when he knows how I feel is insulting. I saved all the photos he sent me, ready to use as ammo or revenge. I want to, if I end it and it becomes ugly, that I send the gf a letter/email with photos and such. Is that too bitchy? It just seems he got what he wanted and now I'm on the back burner. If I knew when we met it would be like this, after it went physical I would have ended it, as I tried back in August! I'm just sensitive now and going through a bunch of emotions. I just wish he thought of me as I do of him. I would be so flattered if someone said the things Ive said to him...I will tell him this and I'm sure he is, but its not heartfelt as mine...
I should have known...?
x

All I Want For Christmas Is Frank....

The Christmas week begins....Yesterday I had a slow day here at home, doing a few things I had put off, so I tackled them on a lazy Sunday. I emailed Frank after the vinyl cafe and didn't hear back. I took Sunday, after my chores, to sip a few glasses of wine and eventually pass out on the sofa and then dragged my ass to bed, way to early for me. When I awoke around midnight, I saw an email from Frank, sent at about 7:30 last night - I had sent him an email asking if he had fixed his YouTube problem as I was listening to some of the vinyl cafe clips as I missed most of the show yesterday. His response yesterday eve, was him telling me that, that he hasn't sorted out the YouTube dilemma and then asked if I heard parts of the story on the radio yesterday and if I was comfortable in my new home...I responded with, I had missed most of the show as I was having connectivity issues, hence YouTube...then asked what he got up to on his Sunday - Never heard back but not surprised as it was sent so late. At about 2 in the morning, tossing and turning in bed, I sent him an email. I told him I was having an awful time sleeping, I couldn't...and how I want to share his bed with him again, how I miss it and how comforting it is laying and sleeping next to him. Then thought Id end it with a little joke and told him I would count sheep to try and pass out - This morning, nothing, and again I'm not surprised, but wont be emailing him today until I hear from him at some point I hope. I'm busy this morning and not sure whats on for this eve but I'm going to try and stick to my word. For Christmas I got him a Grace Kelly 2012 calendar, going to grab him a bottle of wine and a small panetone if I can find and bring that over when I see him next and I have it all. Lie I said he brought me a bottle of wine which was sweet and I will do the same. I see the changes from when we first met and miss some of the affection he showed me in the beginning, til things went kinda wrong. Maybe he will see me as a great guy that he wants to do more with? All I want for Christmas is Frank...
x

I Guess..I Hope..

Well Friday I did my brother and sister in law Christmas. I emailed Frank from there as I was out having a smoke. I just said id be home soon and then asked if he was up to some M2M fun on the weekend as I was "frustrated" - He wrote that he had a few jobs to do and that he could come by around noon-ish to put my TV up and then he was off for a few drinks for a Christmas get together with friends and it ended there. He emailed me yesterday saying he was a bit behind schedule and if I was still home to take care of the TV etc. I told him I was home, he said he'd be over in a bit and he was. It was nice to have him in my apt again, my grounds, not that it makes any difference but was just nice, its a me thing. He brought a bottle of wine which was sweet and his tools. We sat for a bit and chatted. He went to as how with the gf on the Friday before going for drinks. He told me how there was this bisexual chick who has a gf, but he thinks she wants to have sex with him...that bugs me fuck! Then we needed to step out to grab something at the hardware store and on the way back we went for a wine sample at the wine rack around the corner from here. I had bought wine earlier in the day, but Frank thought I didn't have and we would go there to grab. When we told the guy behind the sample counter that we were there to pick up wine, when in fact I had bought some earlier, that we were leaving, Frank said, "he was cute" - That too bugged me. Why? Nothing happened between Frank and I. It was a nice time together, we laughed and had fun. I tried the bdrm thing, getting him in there to look at something, that didn't fly. There was a birthday card on my night table with some guy on it, he asked "whose your boyfriend?" jokingly of course. I said, "I dont have a boyfriend." There is no more kissing hello or good bye and I think that's for obvious reasons, he doesn't want to lead me on...but he did. I want to touch him so badly and want him to touch me, feel me and vice versa. That sorta bugs me. Also...he doest mention or respond to anything sexual I say, nothing! Nothing about the M2M fun...Then when he jokingly said he would be sending on a bill for his work here, I told him Id get 25% off for a bj or shag - nothing. This morning I told him how it was weird waking up to a different set up in here - How now if I watch porn, I feel as if the city can see...nothing?? Why doesn't he? He has no issue telling me when he is bothered that way, and I always respond.
It was a nice time together. I kept looking at him as he worked away, so sexy. I asked when we would hang out again and he said, the 26th..not sure if that was a joke, since Christmas is a busy time for most. He emailed me back this morning about the vinyl cafe on at the time. I told him I was out buying a monitor but that Id probably catch the last bit - Once I got in and set up, I emailed to tell him that and then asked what was up with him today - no answer yet...
Ill finish up here and get on with my day and hope to hear from him later on ...I guess...I hope..
x

Not Banking On Much....

Well no update to be had last night - not a peep, not a hello no nothing. Ill go with the thought that he was busy or had an simple evening, but don't buy it. I'm sure he is just avoiding me. I will ask what he has been up to since its been all week since Ive seen him. Tonight I have a family dinner so I will be distracted again which is good. He is the one who mentioned Saturday to put up my TV, so I will leave it up to him to get in touch with me. I hope he emails me but today, not banking on it. I'm not sure if he is working this weekend but we will see what happens as the day/wknd goes on. I was thinking last night, I think initially there was some form of attraction between us, on both ends, I think that has waned. I miss him immensely and want to see him. In the beginning he wanted to see me all the time, came by to see me etc and that too has waned. I wish I had more of a life but I don't, its a simple quiet one. He may think otherwise but he would be wrong. I think my email about being exclusive "buddies" threw him off and for some reason I'm expecting some comment or chat about that if and when we see each other this weekend. If he comes over tomorrow, it will be the first time in over 2 months that he is here. If he comes tomorrow, I will offer to pay for parking as a thank you but payment will be delayed intentionally as Ive done enough as far as I am concerned. I couldn't leave those dinner coupons with him, knowing he would go with the gf, I expected us to do that which we will at some point, but I'm not pushing that one either. At this point, it is up to him to contact me. I will be inquisitive with him but coy and distant. Things may be changing? Not sure what is up for NYE but that is up to him as well. I wont mention it again. I say that now, but it wont happen, but will try my best. Ive done good to not email him the rest of Thursday and today so far. I know he awakes at 6-ish so he is probably up, but nothing yet and am not banking on a good morning email...
We will see again how it goes....not banking on much...
x

Who Knows Until He Gets In Touch...

Well..its Thursday and haven't seen Frank since Sunday -
Monday I had plans that got canceled which was fine, I let him know via email and we spoke about dinner on those vouchers and I mentioned hanging out soon and new years eve...
He said we would do dinner on Wednesday as I was busy Tuesday. I said that it worked fine and that we would figure out a venue and time. We settled for Wednesday at 6. For new years eve he said maybe we could go ice skating. I told him I don't have skates and we worked it out as he has 2 pairs and the right size. Having been drinking, I wrote..."why is it when you're in the mood it is OK, but apart from that I'm not important." Obviously he was confused. I sent him an email with some sexual insinuations and they went unread/unheard? That's where the comment was coming from. He replied with, "not sure why you aren't OK, but if you want to cancel plans, let me know" - I never responded. The next morning I acted as if I just was too high and confused, I wrote..."too high last night, passed out on the sofa. No canceling dinner." The went on about venue, time and location and that new years eve skating would work, so long as to not laugh when I fall and then cheap champagne at midnight, followed by an lol, to lighten the mood.
I forgot to ask about Friday in regards to putting up the TV on the wall. Telling it wasn't scheduled, but I have time I need to take off, or lose, so I can schedule the day off or what not.
He responded that he had between 10 and 12 free on Friday and then suggested, not taking the whole day off unless I had other things to do. I said I could take a half day and then about the restaurants location and ending with, how was your day. I didn't hear back, but had a work Christmas party to go to. I recall at one point calling him while out smoking. He had company, a friend, I asked as I heard sounds in the background, he said, "just a friend, with a bit of, "tude". I said OK and that I was off to the party again. I emailed when I got home and just asked if we were still on for the following evenings dinner? I then emailed him later on, way past midnight and asked if the time slot for Friday were still available. Then went on about the "buddies", we are. Why I don't know...I was drunk and high and shouldn't have and kicked myself in the morning. I saw I had called him as well, 3 times!!!1 - 4 minute conversations. I recall none of it. But moving on. The email went on to say, how the only thing I need form him, in regards to being "buddies", was that he promises to not meet or get on with other guys, while we are "buddies" - I'm hoping it doesn't come across crude or rude and "boyfriend-y" - I went on to say how I won 2 prizes at the party and that we can work out a time for the restaurant. I got a response later on saying he would have to to cancel dinner and apologised and that we would get to it soon. To not schedule any time off on Friday, as we would do it Saturday. I wrote, "OK another time, no worries," hoped all was OK and that Saturday worked. That was it, I haven't heard back yet. He had company on Tuesday, I want to say the gf, but he said, "friend" and she would have heard that, maybe last night it was the gf. I recall the call he got when I was over on Sunday and the arrangements were, for Tues/Wed...This entry, like the previous, may have an update as its early in the eve and anything can and has happened. I'm a bit concerned cuz of calls and emails I made. I know he drinks and doesn't remember sometimes, so that could, hopefully work in my favor and I can carry on like normal...who knows until he gets in touch....
x

This Is Just An Update...

Well turns out last minute Frank had no one to go to the show with and so who'd he call? Yours truly. I didn't, after that believe that his niece was coming down. When I asked what had happened, he said, she chose the boyfriend over the uncle...hmm. We met down at the theatre and went on in. A good show it was. I suggested after that we go to his place for a drink and a bite to eat. He thought I meant with those coupons. I told him I meant at his place and he sorta sneered. I told him I was in a rush and didn't think of it but we would. He suggested sometime this week. Its strange being out with him, I almost don't know how to act or what to say. He seems comfortable with me so that's a good thing. He thanked me for the tickets once the show was out and I thanked him for the invite. We got on the tube together, he going my way to the interchange at Bloor. As we said good byes he said we would do dinner this week, maybe Tuesday. I told him I was busy with a dinner tomorrow eve and my work Christmas party the following,sow e would try for Wednesday. From what I recall when the gf called they were going to try for Tues maybe Wed. I told him I was free Wed and Thurs - so we will see what happens. I have to keep to my word to not email him, it was nice receiving his call this afternoon for the show. He had asked some old teacher friends but they were busy and again the niece, read above. I'm glad he asked me and wonder how this "friendship" will go. I'm worried, everyday about it, but this...this is just an update -
x

Distraction Helps...

Sunday morning in the city as I write. On Friday I emailed Frank asking how his day was and what I was doing with mine...I never heard back nor did I email again. I had the day off so my email was sent early in the day...Saturday I have a lazy day at home, and at around 6 or so he sent on a message about his day and what not. I emailed back and then asked what he was up to that evening...he wrote back that basically he was chilling, gonna have a bath and then "play with his clit" - that sparked a barrage of sexual emails back and forth. I went on to tell him how Id play with him. He wrote back saying that I invest other things into it, how he doesn't want me to be in love with him - that he want to be friend who fool around, how he has a gf and cant give me what I want but regardless he was feeling aroused that eve. I wrote back, "OK" with a smiley face to which I got a, "So?" - I said, "I'm sorry I'm in love with you but as for being intimate, Id love that, feelings aside and all." He told me he was running the bath and what not and then an invite was initiated. I felt like a loser in the cab and for the first half of my visit. It was quiet the first half hour or so, if not longer. At one point the phone rang and I know it was the gf, at point his voice was lower, almost inaudible. That brought on more uncomfortable silence, for me. I almost wished I wasn't there but went on to try and be silly and what not, just to get the flow of the evening going. He went into the kitchen at one point, get us some wine and clear up a bit. I helped. He went to wash a glass and a few things, and I stood behind him. He brushed up against me twice and I went for it. I felt his body through his robe, going for that cute ass. I lifted the robe, got down and licked him and tongues him for a few minutes, feeling all of him...Back to the living room - At one point I asked how his "clit" was. He opened his robe and looked down and then said, "Semi" we laughed and that sorta started a deeper conversation about us. He told me how we met, how we got on, how my initial intentions were side tracked when we crossed the line a few times and he enjoyed it. But he cant be my boyfriend, and is worried that I may fall deeper in love and he doesn't want that. I had to explain how I am in love with him. I told him I was really uncomfortable with the gf situation, but I understood that was another part of his life. He looked at me sweetly trying to understand what I was saying. I also said that I'm OK with her to a point, but, its other men I have the issue with. That if he was meeting other men, I don't think I could get intimate, he has to tell me. He said, "I haven't but for sure" - I don't know why that gave me little confidence in one on one. I got up at one point to massage his shoulders for a few minutes, trying to get touchy. I ran my hands down his chest at one point, feel him. I eventually sat down and we drank and chatted. I was sitting with legs in an opened positions, and I at one point said, "screw it" with a laugh, he said, "Id rather screw" and we laughed. He was looking between my legs as he said that kinda grabbing himself a bit. I told him I wanted to see his "clit", so he came over to the sofa...He would brush up against me, Id kiss, touch, lick his neck as he brought himself closer to me. At one point I laid him down, opened his robe and felt his body, all the way down. I began to pleasure him. I felt his thighs and opened them wide and devoured him. He would put his hands on my head and do me, was tremendously erotic. I was fully clothed and him, robe opened, but eventually I stripped down to my Calvin's and undershirt. I would look up at him in pure pleasure, at his face, at his member and whole body. I was on my knees as I played him and he had a leg between my legs rubbing me aggressively against my crotch, was very erotic. When we slowed down a bit, we sat up and had a drink and the evening mellowed out and eventually I saw him sorta dozing off...and said, "let go to bed" - but not before he went in the kitchen to whip up a pasta dish before bedtime. Off to bed we went. Woke this morning, early and went up against him. He didn't want my hand around him, there was some issue that I'm not sure of still, but will see next time. I so wanted to get off but didn't want to press on. We got up, I lay on the sofa, trying to see if it could happen, but when he returned later on, with jeans and shirt, it was a no. I said, "damned and I wanted to get off" and laughed, he said, "What?" with a giggle and I repeated myself again with a giggle, and said, "Ill wait til I get home" with a chuckle. Today is also the Vinyl Cafe shindig and no mention. When he was all dressed I cleaned myself up and asked what he was up to today. He told me he was meeting his niece at 9:30 at yorkdale and I said,"sounds nice a day with the niece" - He said she was a ROM girl and made mention of possibly going. We got up, shoes on and out the door we go. So I'm not sure. I saw the tickets on the dresser so they are "right there, cant miss" So we will see if he mentions that today. When I emailed Friday and didn't hear back, and didn't email, he initiated an email. I was sorta happy about that, that he wanted to say hi and what not. At one point during the evening in talking about my feelings for him. I said that one day I would have him meet one of my friends, and ask them if they know me to go to a "friends" place as often as I have been doing with him. That I enjoy hanging out with him, love his company. He says he likes me, I'm a great person and made hint that he even enjoys me on a physical level. It stands again that I have to be the only guy. I told him how he gets laid with the gf and all, and he sorta rolled his eyes, I went on how the extent of my sex life, is what me and him have been doing and I was cool with it. I don't want an ltr, and nor did I think Id fall in love. If he wants us to be "buddy's" then it has to be one on one. He said how when he answered my ad, he took was looking for "friends" and we went beyond that, again, he has enjoyed...I wont email him today as I'm gonna have a lazy one for sure. We will see if he initiates again? From what I heard, Monday he is busy, Tues may be an option.. This is what I heard him yakking on the phone. He asked the caller, "You have to be at work first thing Wednesday morning?" I'm busy, thankfully, tomorrow eve, and Tues eve, so distraction helps....
x

The Thought Of Him Puts A Smile On My Face...

Yesterday after work a friend and I went for a small bite and a drink...I eventually called Frank...he seemed in a silly mood. I asked what he was up to and he was doing work emails...asked if he wanted company and he said sure...I paid my bill and picked up some wine and headed over. He was cleaning house and finishing up a few things. He again and as always looked so cute. He poured me some wine and we chatted...I wanted to clear up the birthday email we were on about the day before. I said that I was forever grateful he did that for me, I was on about the physical. Telling him how I don't just sleep with anyone, how when I get intimate its special to me, especially with someone I have feelings for. He told me he is more of a "gay" guy during the summer months, I'm not sure what that means. I went to tell him that since we met back in July, he interrupted me and told me we met in June, its nice that he remembers that we at the very least started talking in June and that may very well be. Regardless, that since we've met I haven't been with anyone, haven't met anyone and at the same time have no desire since meeting him. I told him that initially, knowing he was with a woman disturbed me, but its something Ive had to learn to deal with and am OK, if I'm the guy in his life. He said he cant have a boyfriend, it doesn't sit well with him but he enjoys my company and when we get physical its something that happens and its nice with me. That made me a bit sad but I guess I'm still with him. I remember him saying months back that he is always horny, so what does he do?, self pleasure? I said in an email that knowing he goes out looking for men saddens me and he tells me he doesn't. Telling him how I love to wake up next to him, how I would love that everyday but understand its not possible and never will be. I told him that my sex life, is what its been with him and only him the last 5 months. I'm OK with it I told him, its more about knowing and loving the person I'm with, more than the physical side of it. At one point I told him I wanted to kiss him,...he stood up and came up to me and kissed me on the lips. That was so nice to me...feeling his lips on mine. A little later on, again he stood up and came to kiss me, of his own accord and I loved it. He grabbed a book at one point about the nativity and began reading a chapter to me. I got up from the couch and sat in front of him, him at his desk chair, and just started to massage his feet, i don't even know why i did that, maybe to feel him, to make him feel good. He thanked me for that afterwards...it was my pleasure, truly was. We spoke about work, his work and how he would charge me the "friends" rate. I said you ll charge me? He went on about his time, tools etc. I jokingly said, Id pay him with a box of wine, a joint and a blow job...He said that would work lol. I want him to understand and know that I just want him happy, to be happy with him. How I miss him so when I don't see him. This is a losing battle I'm fighting and don't think I can get through t him. I told him how I always say that I wont be emailing him but that there is always something I want to tell him so I fire off an email. At one point he went into the kitchen to grab some food, sushi and things...I wasn't hungry and didn't eat but chatted as he mowed down. Eventually off to bed the both of us...I didn't want to go to bed and not have him with me, I would rather have gone home and let him sleep in his bed. This morning, eyes opening to find him next to me. I snuggled up to him, warm and tight against him. I ran my hands up his legs and felt his bare bum thru his shorts. Running my hands over his tummy, he said, you like the fuzzy..I do, on him. I ran my hands up his chest, so nice...He is awesome that way. I went on to get a bit more physical but lightly playing. I realised the alarm had gone so it couldn't happen but that I loved feeling him next to me. I wish he was one to stay in bed for hours, laying there. I mentioned last night how, he would always say in the beginning of "us" how he wanted to wake up next to me and kiss me etc and that's no more, how now its me and how I wish I could hold back on my feelings, but cant. He says he is happy that I can fess up my feeling about him or anything for that matter. I showed him the pic of him I have on my phone in his CD wear and how I loved the one pic and would love to see him in that. He was a bit upset that I had that but tried to put him at ease that I wont be doing anything like I did in the past, how I'm trying to prove to him, that stupidity wouldn't happen again. I told him as much as I love spending time with him in his home, Id love if he came to mine, if we did other things at times. That how Niagara Falls was still one of my fondest memories with him and truly loved it. I'm truly in love with Frank and hope for the best. I asked what he was doing this wknd and he said he didn't know. The vinyl cafe is Sunday and he didn't mention it, he told me he may have to work tomorrow so I don't know what that means for the weekend with me and him. I hate having the 4 days off as I fear Ill do nothing but think and he is on my mind always. I need distraction to move him from my mind if only for a bit but the thought of him puts a smile on my face...

I Feel A Fool...

When I left Franks place on Tuesday morning I felt off, something wasn't right, off. I had and have had Frank on my mind since then. I wrote him yesterday although I said I wouldn't, but I said that I apologised for expressing my feelings for him, that maybe its made this odd between us, and that I wanted to see him. I called the night before last and no response. I got an email back last night saying that he felt bad I had had a bad day and the there was no need to apologise for expressing my "desires". He said he is happy to be friends but more, he isn't sure. That he doesn't want to hurt me but to just be upfront. That was such a slap in the face especially after my birthday, the events of that week. I wrote back that I understood, but really I dont. I went on to send an email saying that I need him to explain why we did what we did on my birthday, was is part of a "gift" that if he thinks I'm there for fun only, he should know I'm not like that. I sent another one telling him that I think he did lead me on and asked in another why he didn't take my calls? I don't expect any answers and reply emails. This Sunday is the vinyl cafe, I doubt he will ask me. I asked ab out new years but that wont be happening either. I wont be emailing him unless its a response to him email. I'm so hurt and wish Id never met him, I fell in love again!! He knows that! How do I remain friends with someone I am in love with. Stay in love with someone Ive had to share over the last 5 months, and tried so hard to not let that part of his life bother me?! How do I carry on with friends now that he is not part of that special part of my life. I feel a fool....

I Dont Get It..But I Await...a

So Monday rolled around and we communicated via email. I asked if he wanted company and he said yes, but an early night, so I went on over. I hadn't seen him in a week and missed him so. A simple night was had. Off to bed, he slept on the sofa and me in bed. I awoke at 2 to find him on the sofa. I got out of bed and told him to come to bed, but he slept on the sofa cuz of his back, supposedly. In the morning we awoke, both sitting on the sofa as we had morning coffee. We chatted about things in general, light conversation. He looked so hot yesterday morning I couldn't help but look at him constantly. As I left I asked for a hug and I got one. Leaving was strange, something isn't, wasn't right, wasn't fulfilling like the usual. I thought of him all day, I could see his face as it was before I left. I did mention new years to which e said, "we will see, maybe." I saw a pair of panties in the kitchen and questioned whose they were, his of course. When I got to work I sent an email telling him I wanted to see him in that and one other outfit from a photo he sent on a while back. When I got to the pub I emailed again telling him about my day and seeing out idiotic mayor at a press conference I had gone to. He eventually wrote back and asked which outfit I on about. I told him and then he said he hasn't been in the lingerie mood lately but could get into it with me. But at the same time he said that he thought we were aiming for a platonic friendship. I said to him, we hadn't been platonic, up til about 2 weeks back. Then I went to describe in detail the night of my bday saying he may not remember but to me it was hot and would love it again. I said how if you had asked me a year back ab out CD i would have said no way, but there is something with it, with him., Saying maybe cuz I know him and the feelings I have make it more interesting. That I want more with him and ending that with, "I want to see you" - I got no response. I freshened up thinking an invite was on the way..nothing. I went on to call him, twice, no answer and no call back. At about 8 or so I wrote and said, I was gonna smoke up and go chill and nothing was heard again. I was a bit sad last night, I am this morning to. Why didn't he write back, call back or take my call?
Its just so weird how in the beginning he was the one who was saying he wanted to wake up with me and no nothing, be with me and now nothing, hang with me and still again, minimal. I'm sure hes had sex with the mistress, I had minimal with him, but at the same time what has he done with men, whose he met if anyone. I'm hoping he hasn't and will broach that subject soon if we talk about those things. I cant email him today, I CANT. I left those words for him to think about and figure out what it is. I said in my last email, I apologised to him for telling him about my feelings for him if it made him uncomfortable, no response. I have to wait to hear from him, I am no longer in any control. I hope to her from him today but am not holding my breath, I just have to stand my ground and not email him, he needs to want to see me and be with me. The waiting game again. I don't get it, but I await....
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Let's Get Together...

Well the weekend came and went and no Frank. First time in weeks that we don't see each other on the wknd. It was kinda blah knowing I wouldn't see him. I was emailing him on Saturday all eve, depending what time I was leaving, I would have popped by but was too late and he had to leave for his "Gingerbread Family Day" - by 10am, so Saturday night wasn't an option. Sunday I didn't hear from him at all even though I emailed him, it was probably one too many. Oh well. He told me he was busy Monday and more than likely we wouldn't see each other. So tonight will be a me night as well. I sent him a number for work, hopefully he sees that as something "nice". Hopefully his plans don't fall through and we can see each other tonight. I get scared that he is pushing me away, that I may be to needy to want to see him and be with him. I want to see him tonight, at the least hear from him. The work email I sent him was just that and just hoping he is well, so we will see what happens this evening. I miss you man...Lets get together...
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Mr Bentley...I Miss You...

I guess I wont see Frank until next week sometime. I got an email from his late last night, telling me he was working all week for a change, since his friend went AWOL. So good for him. He went to a show last night, with the mistress no doubt. He was in by11 or so, alone or so I'm not sure, don't care. I sent an email this morning telling him, that I was in bed, had had a horrible day and wanted it over. He told me his back is doing better and hes up for another massage tomorrow before his "Gingerbread" day with his family. My family, one of, my family Christmas get togethers is today so there's no way we are hanging out this weekend which makes me kinda blah. I haven't seen him since Monday so a week at the least will pass by before I see him again. We haven't gone a week since one of our bust ups. So this is a first in a while. About a half hour back or so I called him just to say hi, but got voice mail. I told him I was having phone troubles and was using him..lol. but at the same time, just saying hi and seeing how he was, but no response. Not sure if hes out, asleep, with her?? But it went no where. I'm going to carry on with my weekend as I have no choice but it will be without him. Maybe an email communication here or there, but nothing until he is at the least, home from the festivities, if he goes home. I didn't email him at all on Thursday, I made mention on Wednesday about Thursday but nada. Called on Thursday and again nada, so I leave it to him. I wonder if I was awake last night if he'd tell me to come over? I'm not sad or depressed, I was last night cuz I knew if it didn't happen last night, it wouldn't for at least another 2-3 days and that I hate. Regardless...I await to hear from him today, if I do....I hope you have a nice weekend Mr Bentley. I miss you -
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Wake Up With Him Again...

TGIF -
Last I spoke to Frank was on Wednesday, he had gone to work then over to his brothers. In email I was told he was back home, we opted for a night in at each others home and a get together soon. Didn't hear back at all yesterday. I recall him saying this week he would be in the west end, probably staying with his brother, maybe he did that yesterday? I called when I got home, as if we got together I didn't want it to be late, no response on the phone, so maybe he was at the brothers or had plans. I didn't email him and didn't hear from him. This weekend with us, is a right off, I have my "cugini" Christmas get together on Saturday and he has his family's on Sunday, so a no go if not tonight. The following Sunday is the "Vinyl Cafe" show, so we will see where we go from there...I do miss him and to think I wont see him at the least until and if, Monday bugs me, but what am I to do. I know its a busy time of year so its to be expected. I will ask him when we are together next time about the holidays. What he does for Christmas and New Years. I will ask, if he mentions nothing for NYE, I will ask about hanging out on New Years Eve. That would be fun, simple but fun and hoping for a yes. Not to sure what he does with the "mistress" on and during the holidays. He tells me that he isn't one to buy gifts etc, so we will see how that falls through. I don't have much to say expect that I miss him and hope to hear from him. Today will be tough to not write him, but last I did was on Wednesday night asking about Thursday and that went no where, so we will see if he writes me today...Slow Frank week - I miss him and want to hang out and wake up with him again...
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