The Thought Of Him Puts A Smile On My Face...

Yesterday after work a friend and I went for a small bite and a drink...I eventually called Frank...he seemed in a silly mood. I asked what he was up to and he was doing work emails...asked if he wanted company and he said sure...I paid my bill and picked up some wine and headed over. He was cleaning house and finishing up a few things. He again and as always looked so cute. He poured me some wine and we chatted...I wanted to clear up the birthday email we were on about the day before. I said that I was forever grateful he did that for me, I was on about the physical. Telling him how I don't just sleep with anyone, how when I get intimate its special to me, especially with someone I have feelings for. He told me he is more of a "gay" guy during the summer months, I'm not sure what that means. I went to tell him that since we met back in July, he interrupted me and told me we met in June, its nice that he remembers that we at the very least started talking in June and that may very well be. Regardless, that since we've met I haven't been with anyone, haven't met anyone and at the same time have no desire since meeting him. I told him that initially, knowing he was with a woman disturbed me, but its something Ive had to learn to deal with and am OK, if I'm the guy in his life. He said he cant have a boyfriend, it doesn't sit well with him but he enjoys my company and when we get physical its something that happens and its nice with me. That made me a bit sad but I guess I'm still with him. I remember him saying months back that he is always horny, so what does he do?, self pleasure? I said in an email that knowing he goes out looking for men saddens me and he tells me he doesn't. Telling him how I love to wake up next to him, how I would love that everyday but understand its not possible and never will be. I told him that my sex life, is what its been with him and only him the last 5 months. I'm OK with it I told him, its more about knowing and loving the person I'm with, more than the physical side of it. At one point I told him I wanted to kiss him,...he stood up and came up to me and kissed me on the lips. That was so nice to me...feeling his lips on mine. A little later on, again he stood up and came to kiss me, of his own accord and I loved it. He grabbed a book at one point about the nativity and began reading a chapter to me. I got up from the couch and sat in front of him, him at his desk chair, and just started to massage his feet, i don't even know why i did that, maybe to feel him, to make him feel good. He thanked me for that afterwards...it was my pleasure, truly was. We spoke about work, his work and how he would charge me the "friends" rate. I said you ll charge me? He went on about his time, tools etc. I jokingly said, Id pay him with a box of wine, a joint and a blow job...He said that would work lol. I want him to understand and know that I just want him happy, to be happy with him. How I miss him so when I don't see him. This is a losing battle I'm fighting and don't think I can get through t him. I told him how I always say that I wont be emailing him but that there is always something I want to tell him so I fire off an email. At one point he went into the kitchen to grab some food, sushi and things...I wasn't hungry and didn't eat but chatted as he mowed down. Eventually off to bed the both of us...I didn't want to go to bed and not have him with me, I would rather have gone home and let him sleep in his bed. This morning, eyes opening to find him next to me. I snuggled up to him, warm and tight against him. I ran my hands up his legs and felt his bare bum thru his shorts. Running my hands over his tummy, he said, you like the fuzzy..I do, on him. I ran my hands up his chest, so nice...He is awesome that way. I went on to get a bit more physical but lightly playing. I realised the alarm had gone so it couldn't happen but that I loved feeling him next to me. I wish he was one to stay in bed for hours, laying there. I mentioned last night how, he would always say in the beginning of "us" how he wanted to wake up next to me and kiss me etc and that's no more, how now its me and how I wish I could hold back on my feelings, but cant. He says he is happy that I can fess up my feeling about him or anything for that matter. I showed him the pic of him I have on my phone in his CD wear and how I loved the one pic and would love to see him in that. He was a bit upset that I had that but tried to put him at ease that I wont be doing anything like I did in the past, how I'm trying to prove to him, that stupidity wouldn't happen again. I told him as much as I love spending time with him in his home, Id love if he came to mine, if we did other things at times. That how Niagara Falls was still one of my fondest memories with him and truly loved it. I'm truly in love with Frank and hope for the best. I asked what he was doing this wknd and he said he didn't know. The vinyl cafe is Sunday and he didn't mention it, he told me he may have to work tomorrow so I don't know what that means for the weekend with me and him. I hate having the 4 days off as I fear Ill do nothing but think and he is on my mind always. I need distraction to move him from my mind if only for a bit but the thought of him puts a smile on my face...