A Beautiful Moment For Me...

What a roller coaster, that's still on the same ride....
The other night in conversation, I went "sexual" and no response. At one point he told me he was going to see family from the 23rd to the 1st or second. I know family comes first, regardless I wrote, "I thought we had new years eve plans?" and he said just that, family....
Asked about seeing him before the holidays or his departure, he said he was available that night, I said I couldn't but would the next day, Wednesday, and he said that wasn't possible. I said we would see each other after the holidays then, being upset and all. I decided then and there, that that was enough. That he is playing some game and its all up to him and I was done with it. I wrote him an email, telling him all that and the drama starts. He wrote and said that he wasn't a player, adding an lol to that. From there on in I lost it on him via email. Telling him that when he wants "company" its a go, that I'm at his beck and call and that I was done. When I want physical activity it falls on deaf ears. That the extent of my sex life is whats happened between him and I and nothing more, unlike him. Proceeding to get drunk, I wrote to the gf on FB, and then a physical letter. I told him I would do that, that I could care less anymore. I wrote her a letter, more int he frame of, she should be careful, she should get tested. How Frank and I had an STD scare and I'm sure he hadn't told her. I told her that he was a drunk and spills information, about her and other things, hence knowing where to send the letter etc. Attached to the letter where 3 pictures of him in his lingere.Frank said in an email that he still wished to be friends. I told him,after the letter I wrote the gf, he may not want that. He replied with, he doesn't care what I wrote and said to the gf, that she knows about him and so on. I was out with a friend on Wednesday night, when another email conversation started. He made me feel like a shit via email, saying how he never initiated any physical encounter and for that I got mad. He said, he got into it, enjoyed it, and at times turned away from it. I went on to call him and tell him to NOT say I want the only one who initiated our encounters, how dare he! I said how he was the one who would hold my hand, brush up against me, kiss me. How I had stopped initiating anything, from the days when he would stay here - how he made me feel like a cheap hooker. I thanked him for ruining my end of year and holiday season. That the rest was up to him as again, I'm done. As I walked my gal pal to the tube, I emailed asking if we could talk when I got in and he said he would take my call. I get in and call...We discuss being friends, with no sexual encounters. How I was looking for friends, and it stopped. I said, I found you, we have fun, I don't need other friends, at the same time I have met others, just not in the manner him and I met. I don't like the fact that he doesn't want physical contact. He isn't into me, isn't in love with me, so why do I go over? Why do I spend that time I do with him, in his company? I said on the phone, how through out summer and fall, we've seen each other, hung out, whether it be at my place or his, about 4 times a week, that's allot for "friends" - When he told me that he was going away for the holidays, I went on to call and wish him a happy holiday. He wished it back to me and I started to cry. He asked what was wrong, I said, I feel guilty with things Ive done and was just generally sad. I brushed off my feelings and told him to have a nice one and the call ended. Last night I got an email, wishing me the best for the holiday season. I thought he had left, but he was held back cuz of work. I invited myself over, he said he was packing and getting ready to go away for the week - I went over, helped out, hung out - Eventually to bed we went, me in his bed and him on the sofa. Waking up alone in his apt, in his bed is the worst feeling. I awoke at 5:45am, to find him not even on the sofa, he was already up, getting ready. I threw myself on the sofa and waited for coffee. He told me his plan for the week and where and what not. I wanted to leave earlier than I did as I was uncomfortable and wanted to be free. The week without him around will be good for me. I hope he misses me. I now he is bringing his laptop with him, so any communication will have to be on his end, until he is back. Starting the new year, I wont be going over, or if I do, I will not be spending the night, I don't care how drunk we get. At the same time, if the gf, didn't get the letter I wrote by yesterday, it will be in the next few business days and shit can and may hit the fan. So who knows, I may never see him again, I may never go over again. His gift never arrived, so I didn't bring anything. I have a bottle of wine for him and a Grace Kelly calendar that's yet to arrive, so hopefully next week and we can see what happens between us. He mentioned that it was time for a holiday, a get away to warmer weather. We will see who he plans to go with, if the plan sees fruition and who knows once again what can possibly become of anything between us. I watched him closely this morning, and see what I fell for. He is a goofy, not too serious guy - a body to die for, I want to touch him so badly. I will tell him how I torture myself going over or hanging out with him, cuz I want to touch him....As I went to leave, he gave me a big hug, a good strong hug, I loved being that close to him, even if it wasn't an erotic move, it was a beautiful moment for me. ....
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