..Still Think The World Of You...

Well the year is winding down -
2011, good bad? Bad with family illness, but they've pulled through so far. Friends have been good to me..Work is just that. Ive met a few guys, done the dating thing here and there with no results, not that I was looking for that. Until I met Frank in July - Everything started great with him. Kissing him for the first time was awesome but with time things changed. Things continue to change. I'm still worried about the impending reaction to the letter I sent to the gf. He must have spoken to her since then. Did she receive the letter? Part of me hopes no and that it will go no where, but until I hear about it, I cant stop worrying about it. With the death of Koko, my sweetheart of a cat, I sent him an email with that notice. Telling him I think it is a sign from God, for all the bad Ive done, including him. He sent on a sweet email, telling me not to think that and encouraging words. I wrote back, "Thanks for the email:)" - A few nights later I sent on a drunken email, but wasn't as bad as I thought when I awoke the next morning. In the subject line I put, "I Do...lol" - The body of the email just said, "OK at this point I miss you, hope you have/had a great holiday" and ended it there. Im not sure how that will come across. I will explain/tell him, that I was so used to going out a few times a week to hang out an nothing now due to the holidays. Hes never gone away since we met. I want and wish so badly, that he misses me upon his arrival. It could go the other way as well. I need to, if and when I go over, make a fun night out of it. Nothing heavy, nothing serious and definitely no tears. It will be hard next week when he is back, as I said, I'm scared. Frank made me realize that I can fall in love again. Unfortunately its usually with the wrong people, but a situation like ours, now, isn't something Ive dealt with before. Usually the "friendships" never last longer than the first date or 2 then it fizzles, no communications no nothing and I deal with it. With this situation its different, he wants to remain my friend which is cool. I just cant have the unknown ideas of his meeting men and in this situation I have no right to ask that question. I can however ask, if we get physical again but doubt that will happen as much as I want it to. I have a problem destroying relationships. I have to realise that I am worth more, I mean I know I am, but I'm hooked on this man. The smile, the eyes, the intelligence, the body, the humor....Ive at the same time and I think Frank has shown me part of this as well, I have lost faith in men, in general. Most are after one thing, Frank isn't, at least wasn't with me. We had an intense summer and fall...spending all kinds of time together. The countless night sleeping together, waking up cuddling together will be unforgotten. I for the first time in a long time felt, comfortable, attractive and special. I loved that feeling. Doing the beach day, Niagara, shows etc...as well as some physical activities. Its easy to see how one could fall in love, he must understand that. I have never gone out looking for any kind of relationship, I'm not, nor have I ever been that desperate or sad for that matter. I've told Frank that I don't want one, but these feelings came on. I'd like someone "special" and hoped it would have been him seeing the way things were going. This I will tell him. He did say in an email, how he has been encouraging in my struggles and yes he has. Never insulting. I thank him for that as Ive told him all kinds of bad things and should never have done that. That I think showed a side that he isn't ready to deal with and never wants to. Drama isn't his game and its not mine either. Unfortunately Ive said and done things that would make anyone see otherwise and that I think killed something between him and I. Before that it was pretty good. He said I left him, and I guess in a way I did. What if I hadn't? Upon his return, Ill wait for him communication to me, as i don't know when it is he is coming back, whether it be the Sunday or Monday or Tuesday for that matter. I will communicate with him after that but wont make mention of a get together. Should he then I will bring the things I got him for Christmas and see what that brings on. Apart from that I have to leave this friendship up to him. Thank you for a fun summer Frank, I fell in love with you and still think the world of you -
x

Found this clip from our day in Niagara, just a cute clip -