See What Happens ...

Halloween 2011 is upon us...I sent Frank emails thru the day, about not wanting to be in this chaos that brews in my area on days like today. No bite. He told me to enjoy the shenanigans...There's no joy to be had as I don't want to be part of it. I told him of my horrendous ride home on TTC, and he asked why. I told him, to get home earlier and that if he wanted company. Its still early in the evening, but did say to him, "sorry I keep saying that I just enjoy laughing with you and your company" - my last words for the evening. I called and left a similar message - so, the message, he must have gotten. I feel like a moron, like he is in total control cuz of how I feel for him, not reciprocated. I know he likes me, I'm not an idiot. Why would he/we do the things we do if he didn't. I just wish there was that, "I miss you" from him. He told me Friday, that he told me to "get a taxi" cuz he wanted to see me. So I'm sure h does at times. I will wait til a certain point then give up on tonight and mention nothing of it, that I'm not bothered by it at this point, was just a suggestion, then need to leave it up to him, but Ive done that before and I cant hold back. Maybe he sees a pattern and feel to put no effort in this, as I will? I dont think that is the case, I just don't know. I will keep you posted on Halloween evening, if there is communication, if there is anything - I'm not holding my breath but could dash outta here at the drop of a hat. I want to stick to nada tonight together and see what happens...
x

Something I Want To Hear....

So yesterday Frank and I went to the show, Fela - Was nice to be with him in daylight -it had been a while and we joked about it. He looked so nice in his dress shirt and as always cute with his cap. He is such a "hat" man, who knew....the show got out and we went in the square to have a cigarette and talk a bit before heading home. He told me he was just there yesterday(Saturday) with Katerina, I acted as if I didn't care. He told me how he met her there and how she was late blah blah...I don't like hearing it but play as if its all good. I was hoping we would do more after the show but left it up to him. He told me he had to get ready for the week and I didn't push it any further. This morning I just sent a "good morning" email...telling him I forgot it was Halloween, and that it would be noisy down here - hint hint, see if he falls for it, or gets it. I doubt it, but I planted the seed. I want to see more and more of him. Talking about work, his, and knowing him, getting to know him is fun for me. He struggles at times and I'm glad he is "normal" that way. Not all about money. This could explain his money talk earlier when we had dramas. Its understandable but then think, you know you have no money so be more responsible when it comes to things like, parking etc. I offered the dinner vouchers and he said he loves that idea but that we would do it sometime this week. Ive started the conversation for the week and see where it goes from there. I hope he enjoyed his time yesterday and wants to get together some more. There were a few conversations we realized we forgot due to excessive vino intake lol..on both ends. It hard to act as if nothing but I don't have a choice. I hope he responds with something I want to hear....
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I Enjoy Every Minute Of "Us" ...

I knew it would be about 5 days or so that I would not see Frank....Knowing he is busy and having had seen him, made it easier to think I wasn't going to see him. Finding out he wasn't busy for the first 2 nights of the 5 sorta bugged me, I wont lie. I hate to think I don't hear from him or what not. I didn't expect to see him yesterday. I went out for dinner with a friend, hopped on over to the pub across road and had another drink and sent on an email. Telling him I was going to see my mom tomorrow(today) and that maybe when his night was over, we could get together and hang out and go to the show tomorrow etc...I got an email back shortly thereafter telling me to "get a taxi" - I asked "to your place?" - I didn't need to get a response, before I went to change, get my shit together and get a cab. I arrived and told him I was fried.He said not to worry. He had dipped into the vino as well. I hate that I drink so much with him only because I remember snippets of our nights and or conversations. I do remember professing my utter adoration for him. I remember sitting across from him, shedding a tear or 2 at my admitting how I feel. How I wish I was the "one guy" - him looking at me with puppy dog eyes, just listening to me. I was drinking out of a small glass as I was already a bit looped but finished one more and said, I was going to go to bed. He was making a stew and once I was in bed, I saw him grab a big bowl of it and chow down. I got out of bed and he grabbed me as mall bowl and I had some myself. He eventually was sitting next to me on the sofa. At one point I grabbed his hand, I love holding his hand. That's what I remember from last night. I remember him also getting into bed. He wore a tshirt and a jock strap to bed - that man is too fucking sexy without even knowing it. I woke up at one point early early morning and saw him laying next to me. I put my arms around him. I just cuddled up beside him, my body next to his, I love that. Feeling his arm as I lay next to him is one of the best feelings with him. We don't have a rampant sexual relationship, more sensual than sexual and that's fine with me. The more he learns about me, the more I can show him that I am a decent guy, it could progress. I want to kiss him, I want him to rub up against me, his head against my neck, I love that. This morning we had coffee and some chit chat - Eventually he told me he had a busy day. I over heard him on the phone telling a co worker that he will be busy or unavailable after 5 or so. We left his place and I walked home. Couldn't give him a goodbye kiss there on the street but wanted to. We are meeting tomorrow at the theatre for the show, not sure how he is getting there and whats to follow afterwards but I look forward to it, spending day time with him. I hope he believes and understands that I am genuinely in love with him and care for him like I haven't cared for anyone in the longest time. Hes a marvel to me and I enjoy every minute of "us" -
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The Rest Is A Lie....

Am I playing a game...a genuine game? There's this big political drama about our mayor who caused some drama....This drama was caused by a show/stn, that Frank and I watched, last time I was over, I didn't know..To hear the idiot(the mayor) caused all this, cuz of that made me laugh, so I sent Frank one of the stories I read - I asked afterward, "How you doing" - He replied with, that he thought the whole situation was hilarious....I wrote back, that the man(the mayor) is an idiot, but thought it, my chance to ask, if, the show I sent him to was any good. Was it last night or tonight, I know he forgot, I'm not that stupid. He asked me to go, and never heard a thing, I wouldn't ever have gone to see that show, but he asked, I said yes, and with him, I would have gone. He asked how I was, I told him home, I miss him, that it is "uber gay" but true, then asked if he enjoyed the show - I await his response. I know he forgot. Its not a big deal, curious as to his response. He told me he is busy for the next 5 days, so I have no hope of seeing him until, at least Sunday night. His response should be interesting. I await...and will continue this entry...for now...
"save"...

50 minutes later.....
I know that the most Ive waited for a response is about 9 minutes or so, its been 50. He could be cooking or showering or whatever, or even possibly stepped out? Who knows. I have no response and, in a certain way, I thought that could happen. Did he forget I gave him tickets? They were sitting on the counter where he drops his keys, cap etc...I know he has a "concert" on Saturday as I overheard a conversation, and then see him mark it on his calendar, next to his desk. Didn't mark last night for Fela. I want to hear back from him and see what he says. Will he lie or be honest and tell me he completely forgot. Regardless...should be interesting. I put that I miss him, and that it was "uber" gay, but wanted to say it and hate that I did at the same time....hmm

Later that night...
eventually I got a response - I get no acknowledgement of missing him. I asked if he liked the show, whether it was last night or the night before. He told me he couldn't find anyone to go with. I told him i would have gone. He said, that I had said that they were for him and that we didn't have to go. I said, if he had no one to go with I would have gone. He said sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. Asked what he was doing last night, he said, watching hockey and writing letters/emails. He told me he was busy for the next 5 nights? That's 2 with no plans. He went on to say good night and then I asked what he was up to Friday, but I guess he had logged off. No mention of The vinyl cafe tickets or letter I sent and I bet, no recollection that, he told me he was busy for the next 5 nights. I wont be emailing him this weekend. I know he is busy tomorrow. That I know, the rest I think is a lie -
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Between Now And Sunday

Well in regards to my last post. I did email him, but in regards to the change in the results of google, from my emails etc. Just something I had to tell him, it wasn't, a "hi how are you?" email. Regardless, he thanked me for my efforts and then at one point I said I was going to get off line, I had had a shitty day and all that etc....he wrote back and said, "don't fade out" and spoke of some show. I told him I don't have TV, I do i all on line. I was sorta hinting, for an invite but that didn't happen. I asked him if he we wanted company and he said that I was welcome to come over. But I started to realise....Its me saying I want to see him, I say the nice things...I'm just like that in his company. He used to say he wanted to wake up next to me, naked, and now it seems I am the one saying these things. Friday went without a hitch, Saturday was a bit off cuz of the "past" reminders, yesterday seemed OK. He was up late at night and made a pasta dish for me and him. We sat on the sofa eating, was fun and cute to me. Sweet - Back to bed, I don't remember much honestly, I fell into his spot on the bed and he shoved me over, and i rolled...In the morning, I remember being next to him, asking him to put his head on my chest and he said, "oh honey" - but didn't come over. I lay next to him. Having coffee, looking at him, shit there is something so "catching" - The way he speaks, looks, acts - its all soooo nice to me. So how a man should be and that's what he is, a man. Sensible at that, understanding, for the most part. He wont be around for the next 5 days - evenings - No mention of the tickets for tonight's show - no email from him asking, reminding me or explaining anything...regardless, I don't care. I am somewhat concerned about the Vinyl Cafe tickets...no mention and its been a week?? Maybe when he gets home. For telling me that he was not around for the next 5 nights, I cant email him....as much as Id like to. I'm going to hope the Vinyl Cafe tickets arrive today or tomorrow, and I get an email. I have to hold strong, but I will miss him so. I know thoughts will cross my mind....I hope he thinks to email me between now and Sunday....?
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Ill Keep You Posted...

I'm trying to figure what is going on. Frank never wrote to me Sunday night, nor Monday morning. We had a nice Sunday morning and he drove me home. Maybe I missed him yesterday morning, maybe he had no time but I just said good morning. Then last night I sent a few emails, one about the ads, slowly being deleted and one about the day and a brain teaser. So he helped me with the brain teaser and emailed telling him I knew he could help me figure it out. When I actually understood the brain teaser, I thanked him and then said, "maybe tomorrow we can get together, grab a bite", that "I enjoy sleeping next to him and waking up next to him" - he responded with, I just want to make sure you get the brain teaser so I don't embarrass myself tomorrow/today. I wrote back, that I did and he wrote back, "OK good" with an lol. No mention of getting together. He did in the initial email said we would get together soon for "coffee or something" - not sure what that means but does sound kinda like, "whenever/soon". So I ended the conversation with a ":)" and left it that, didn't hear back. Tomorrow he has that show I got him tickets for. Still no word on the tickets to the vinyl cafe I sent on etc. Maybe today. But I am not going to email him at all. Pretty much dismissed my wanted to be with him tonight. I'm going to get on with my days and when he calls on me then if I'm free I will part take. It maybe another "Friday" night get together, what else can I ask. I was a bit sad last night but nothing I can do. I was thinking of placing my ad back up but will wait til later on in the week. We will see when his next attempt to contact me will be and I will keep you posted...
x

As Much As I Want Him...

Well who knows where we or this is going? I was invited over on Friday night to Franks house and great time was ha. We laughed and joked the night away. Drank, the both of us, way too much and up late. He drove me home and I sent him an email just telling him how wonderful I think he is and how awesome the night was. He was so sweet to me. I woke up so hung over, I don't even remember if I kissed him good bye. He did drive me home and we chatted a bit, was nice and sweet like nothing ever happened between us. He asked me if I wanted to go to Fela with him, tickets I had gotten him Friday for a show this up coming Wednesday, I said yes but am worried going to a "work" thing, who may see me with him etc. I will see when its closer to the day, what will go on. So I get home and am pretty much a space case for the better part of the day yesterday. At about 7 or 8 or so, we started our email exchange. Eventually I invited myself over, as dead to the world as I was, I wanted to see him again. He was talking about me coming over and being a "dom", I don't even know what that is, but went on over. He dressed in his "fetish" wear. We had fun conversation for the most part. He was going on about my weight loss. How he can see it in my face, how from the day we met for coffee to today, its an obvious change in my "look" in regards to weight. It was nice to see he noticed that and telling me I looked good. He is so encouraging that way, like no other. Eventually he went on about the ads I posted on CL. Again when I walked in, he was on that site, which I noticed. He tells me he loves me and cares for me which scares the crap out of me. We went on about the past dramas, I told him I thought Id come here and we would have a fun night like the night before, not to rehash any old crap, the clean slate syndrome. He googled his name and showed me an ad that still can be found on line and asking how I could do that, how it is out there for good on the web. I said I will do whatever I can to get it removed, in fact, Ive already sent on emails. Anyway, I was telling him a story about my weight loss, telling him how on my way home one day, my route, I bumped into Rob. He said to me, "I know you're route" - I said what. He said I know allot about you that you may not know. I was a bit taken back, what did he mean. He told me where I worked and how he followed me home one day. That was kind of creepy. I asked about how he found me last week at the pub, he said, I know, if one tries they can find. I was a bit stand off-ish and told him how its scaring me and he told me not to be, but being in my shoes and having the conversation we had had about days past, was kinda putting my defenses up. Eventually I thought I'm going to bed, it was almost 1 in the morning. He stayed up and made some comments to which I got out of bed a few times. He told me at one point I was supposed to tell him what to do being a dom. Like putting away laundry and making the bed, I told him I didn't pick up on that, that its not me to be that way. I couldn't please him that way and felt bad. Eventually to bed I went again and again he came to me in bed. We got up once again for a drink and a smoke and again he mentioned the same old thing. I told him I keep getting out of bed, but how he kept on being repetitive and how I was tired of it. How am I to move forward when he keeps reminding me of what Ive done wrong I asked. It was an odd night that way and it scared me like I said. We had such a good conversation going and he kept bringing it up. I decided I'm going to bed and he eventually followed. As much as I loved being next to him I was a bit on edge but managed to pass out. Waking up this morning to him next to me was very erotic and I went on the pleasure him and myself. It go very hot and heavy and I enjoyed every moment of admiring his body. Placing his hands on parts of my body to give me pleasure was so hot. It was a fantastic start tot he day for both of us. He seemed in a better mood this morning, not remembering half the night from what I gathered, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. We told stories of family and what not. Spoke of days gone by with family and dramas. It was nice this morning. At one point, just laying there on the sofa, watching him, looking at him and admiring him. Why cant he be the way he was this morning, all the time. Then there wouldn't be "episodes" - If he is who he was Friday night and this morning it would be perfect. I cant even talk about him cuz people at work think I should be done with him, and this I told him. I had a great weekend with him. I keep thinking if he were only dedicated to me, it would be perfect. I love learning from him, hearing his stories and thoughts on life, love and living. He is so different from anyone I know, in many ways actually, but that's what I like. He made some comment about not having been here in a long time, I told him my door is always opened. How I never thought we would be again, where we are. Sharing a bed together, sharing intimate time together, I love it and just don't want to get hurt. In regards to CL, I said to him, I hadn't put up an ad in over 10 days. He was talking to me as if to catch me in a lie. He said I had put ads up, which isn't true. I told him that he is the one who is always on it, looking to meet - he said, not to meet. I said I'm not blind, I see it on your PC whenever I am over. I mentioned a pop up I saw when we were at his computer together, and saying he is the one on these things, not me. I was and am happy with him. I need to see if he emails me today when he gets home. I know he is off to his sisters and will spend the day there. He is such an adorable guy and wish he wanted me as much as I want him.
x

All I Can Do Is Try...

Well last night I got a chance to go to Franks place. He invited me over for pizza, that we never did order, but regardless. I went in, I felt awkward at first but plopped down on the sofa. He brought me a glass of wine and the entire time I kept thinking to myself, don't get smashed and careful of what you say. We started to talk about all that went on in the last week or so. Tears on both ends. He asked how I could say such hurtful things, when I say how nice and good he was to me. I cant answer that. I told him I wanted him to hate me, never talk to me again, in that frame of mind. How he is afraid of my "episodes" - I told him I never felt that he wanted to be with me. How I realized that his coming over all the time was a way of showing me he did like me, why else would he have come over time and time again. I told him how I was to never fall in love. How I wanted to stay a single man and that I don't go looking for relationships, but then he shows his face in my direction and all that changed. I said I still wish I could have you all for me. That for the first time since Rob, have I invested time in someone. I did tell him that I was hurt when he mentioned meeting another man while we were together. He told me it was in the beginning stages. That's all good and dandy but I told him, from day one, after coffee the first time, I never met up with anyone else. I was hoping to have built something with him and we tried until I destroyed it on more than one occasion. I told him I would sleep on the sofa and he grabbed me a comforter and pillows eventually. While talking to me and crying, I went over to him to hug him and apologised for bringing that on him. I told him how he is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. How friends were happy to see me happy with someone for a change. Lots was said and explained. I brought my bad of weed and we eventually smoked up as well which was needed. He brought out some kind of bruscetta concoction he made which was actually really good and like I said, needed with the drinking. He eventually went and grabbed brandy and some juice and we had another drink. He was sitting there at one point in just a tshirt, I didn't even realize he had nothing on the bottom half. I would run my hand up and down his back and at one point as he stood, I felt his ass...he jerked away. I shouldn't have. When he was off to bed, I looked at him and asked if I could sleep with him. He said to turn off the light on the end table, I did and to his bed I went.I think through the night I may have snuggled up to him. He rubbed his feet against mine, his legs against mine, that I recall. It was so nice to feel him against me, its been a while and I miss it with him. I told him he has to learn to trust me again, that I will show him that I am a good person. He says nothing bad of me, but questions the why. The only thing I could say was that I had fallen in love with him. That I messed it up and my world was turned upside down. How I lost the first real good guy that Ive met since being single. It was a sad and revealing conversation that went thru the night til gone midnight. I was willing to risk no working today or anything to spend that time with him. I went on how when I'm with him I have no problems in the world and its true. He makes me happy for the most part. If only he could commit, it would have been perfect. This morning I woke up after him to find him at his PC reading emails. He grabbed me some coffee and idle chit chat. I asked if I could leave my pot there as the last thing I needed was to be caught in possession. He said OK, but I left it there more so, so I could go by again. My pipe and stash are there. He offered to drive me to the subway stn which was nice and not expected. I told him I would walk as miserable as it was outside. I sent him an email when I got to work. Thanking him for letting me come over, the snacks and conversation. That I would prove that he can trust me and how when I wasn't with him the last week or so, it was just miserable for me. I asked if he wanted to get together, I could grab us a bite to eat and we can hang. Not sure if he will be up to it today but I threw it out there. I'm hoping those tickets arrive today, I think it will make him happy. I truly do love the man. Hearing him tell me he loved me too brought tears to my eyes, but again he cant understand how someone can do that. If we get together tonight, I want to say....no discussing the past between us?? New start and a nice night with no tears, and see what happened from there. I told him how I was scared to go over last night, but wanting to see him over rode fear. I hope he still likes me, and wants to hang with me...we will see what today's email brings - I'm hoping for the best....
I feel he will clarify the non physical aspect of our "friendship"and that will bring me down. All I can do is try....
x

We Will See I Guess...

So more confusion - yesterday I called Frank out on the police stories he was telling me. He could have been telling the truth but it doesn't sound right to me, so I called his bluff. I ended the night with, I'm done with you and its over. Today I email in the morning, a link to the page I set up, that it had been deleted, just what he wanted so I forwarded it on. Heard nothing all day. Then while having a drink at the local watering hole, I sent a message saying, "cant we clean the slate", how the last week has been hell and never thought id go thru all this with someone like him. It could have gone either way, but I got a response saying how he was thinking the same thing on the drive in from wok. So that was was nice to hear He did say eh was a but paranoid of my "drunken/twisted" attitude that can spring up, but said he would email me later as he had a friend over for dinner. I said, OK and enjoy. Then about 2 hours later, while me passing out on my sofa, he sent one saying, "I'm going to buy some wine, if you want to come over" - I was a but freaked but quickly got dressed and responded that I would be right over, but then realising that I missed the email by about 45 minutes and held off. I called and no response - I thought it too late to go, so I emailed saying that I had missed the email and called and assumed maybe he had gone to bed, but that we can another time and off to my room I went. He emailed me back telling me he had passed out an that we could do it another time? I wrote back and said sure, maybe tomorrow, grab a bite etc. So I await to hear. But I am thrilled he wants to see me, if only as friends guess, it would be at his place. If we get together tomorrow or the next day and I spend the night. I will offer to sleep on the sofa to show some form of respect for this "friendship" - I sent on those tickets today so we will see how he reacts and what he says. I'm a bit happier than last night but still worried. We will see I guess...
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I Will Miss You...

Last night things got ugly between Frank and me and I think I ended any kind of relationship whatsoever. Part of me is glad as I cant be with him as a friend, feeling what I do/did. I'm no t over him but last nights bullshit was enough to never make him talk to me ever again or see me. I went to the pub after running some errands and had a few drinks and he came into my mind. I had to leave for fear of breaking down in public. I came home wrote him an email telling him how I felt lonely, how without knowing what ended him and me was killing me as I don't know what to rectify. I told him he has someone to fall back on, not me, I was and am alone. We ended up on the phone for a while, yelling at each other. I remember telling him or asking him if he wanted money from me. He keeps bringing that up - Take my fucking money, I don't care. That's not what I am about! I don't care about that kind of shit - money is nothing to me, I don't want it or need it. His stories of when he had money - Ive never had and don't need. Enough to feed myself and shelter myself is all. I at one point called him up to 50 times with no response. He then called my 3 times, I was passed out. He left me a voice mail telling me the police were there. I don't believe him. He said he would send them my way but no one showed, no one buzzed me. I don't even think Frank knows my last name, apt number or anything of importance - I sent him 2 emails this morning and I will not hear back I am sure. In the first one I said to not threaten me with the police, that I am terrified of that and he knows it and uses it against me. The second one said that, I hate myself for what Ive done, that when I got him message about the police, I fled my apt(I didn't) and hung out outside by the garbage bins freezing my ass off, crying in fear and hatred. That he now knows I am an asshole and don't deserve him in my life. I will send him those tickets just cuz I did that out of love and nothing more. I do love him and now know I have wasted my time, hoping for more. I have a habit of destroying things and that's just what I have done. I posted CL ads with his picture and information, slandering him. Drunken stupidity. I got an email at one point, "what kind of fucking jerk are you" - in response to a link to a CL ad about him. I may do it again. I may never think of him again! I don't know. I hate myself, I hate him for what he has put me through. We had the STD talk and email conversation again, he doesn't get it!! I will miss you Frank -
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This Chapter Is Done...

Well I'm sad to say that Frank's, "maybe", was in regards to friends, someday. He says we will always be friends. That we have gone through allot together, bit it isn't in the cards for him. "we" are not in the cards is what he meant Im sure. He wrote that he loves me, knows I'm a good honest guy.He tells me he is putting his life back together and how he too is grieving our loss, our end as more than just friends. I was real upset last night and was telling him that I have to live with whatever happened that night, that he wont tell me about. I have to live with the fact that I ruined this relationship. He tells me not to be in a funk and I went on to just say good night. He told me it wasn't good to go to bed with cutting the conversation short. I told him I had nothing more to say? I fell in love, I messed up and now I'm going through that process of "getting over" someone. He says one day we will have a adventure here or there, I'm not sure what he means by that. I told him how I cant hold, or rub his back, that it would be hard for me to not do that. He said friends can do that. No they cant, not like I mean. In the response to "wanna just cuddle" email, he said, there will be no hanging out, drinks or cuddling. It was along back and forth and I think he was just trying to console me to a point. I told him to email me whenever. I'm going to have to force myself to not email him. It is up to him. I wont expect anything from him until and if he remembers, when I send him those tickets, If he asks me then to go,. Ill tell him maybe, that it will be close to the holidays and anything can happen, I went on to bid him a good night, telling him this week sucked on many levels, but we carried on. He said our attraction was more than physical, that we went through bad stuff together as well and how that builds a "relationship" - but not what I wanted from him. That if I call I can have is what he is offering, I dont have much of a choice. Of course now after its all said and done with, I'm told he loves me, cares for me etc. I'm not going to say he is a player. He mentioned how we didn't get into that much physically and I told him I wanted much more but didn't want to do anything he didn't want to and went at his pace. He thinks of me as sincere and honest and wants to count on me as one of his friends, sure I said. He said at one point how, I was looking for friends. Well we obviously went beyond that, hence this being hard. I could tell a friend to fuck off easily if I'm stabbed in the back. A guy I was getting to know in the form of a relationship is hard, any break up is hard. Like I said I wont be emailing him. I have to stop. I don't think he will miss our dailies as he wasn't into in anyways, last night I think was different as he knew I was down, apparently so was he? He went to a concert yesterday, more than likely with his gal pal and that too bugged me last night. I wish he had listened to me when I said platonic. In a sad way I think he ruined part of us as that should have stopped and allot would have been avoided, the STI scare etc. I'm lost and sad this weekend and will probably do nothing out of sadness. Maybe I need this. I had such a small glimmer of hope. I told him I had false expectation and read his words and/or meanings wrong. My fault again. Anyways. This chapter is done....
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I Love You Mr Bentley

Yesterday was a hard day, talking about my situation was hard but I maintained my cool. I while at work sent Frank an email explaining my "demons", being too much booze. I told him that I think I know what triggered what may have happened that fateful night, without even knowing what was said. He told me that if it wasn't for him knowing what happened to me last year, that he would have called the police or thrown me out, but thought I wouldn't benefit from it. That's started a conversation back and forth. He thanked me for explanations, more clear explanations, commended me on my moving on and trying to be a healthier person. I told him how he has made me so comfortable, how doing new things with him were incredible. I spoke of sleeping alone the night before, hugging my pillow. How before that I would hug my pillow knowing one night soon Id have my arms around him and now, that's not a possibility ever again and how it pained me. He wrote and said, adding his tears to mine wouldn't help. How is saddened too. I eventually sent a new email entitled, "one more". In that email I wrote the same as above adding that I want one more chance. That I want to experience life with him, learn, live and explore together. How I want to prove to myself more than anyone that I can deal with issues but with him by my side, it would be awesome. He wrote back and telling me that he too is crying over our situation and how he thought, my email was good, thanked me for showing integrity and strength, and for that he sends a hug. I asked if that was a no, trying to start again. He said, "it doesn't come across does it?" I said no...that I was confused. He said, he was sorry to confuse me and was off to bed. I went on to say, "I'm an idiot I told you that, I don't get the message" - He said, "stop saying/thinking and believing that you are an idiot" - I wrote back, "well then...can we try slowly" - he wrote back, "maybe". That was a million times better than no. I was psyching myself for a no, so a maybe was unexpected. I started crying when he wrote me that. I wrote back with a smiley face and said, "you are so special to me man, really" - and it ended there. I don't know what to expect?? I said in an earlier email that I hope one day soon we can be at his place or mine, enjoying each others company. I told him in an email how most fags, if ya don't sleep with them asap, you never hear back. I went on about how we haven't really had sex but being romantic with him was perfect with him. We have gotten off together but full on sex no. I'm OK with that, as it seemed that fateful night, it was going in a different direction, one I was enjoying. I will await his email and see what he says as he may have gone off to bed after that, as he had said he was going to. I don't know what to expect and want to get with him again and take it as it comes, one day at a time. Hearing words that make it sound like we were in a relationship makes me sad, cuz I was never sure. Talking about our split or while we were together is nice to read. He question CL ads. I told him during our downtime I was, but not since we actually met back in July had I met anyone, or that any response I got were freaks and they went no where. How I had an ad in the "platonic only" section as I wasn't really looking.....
For now I just sit and wait. Not sure Ill hear from him this morning, but hope to at some point.
I miss him allot knowing I may never see him again...I hope that changes - I love Mr Bentley...
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Ready To Stop..I Hope..

So I tried that reverse psychology thing again, didn't work. I put an ad on CL, a CD looking to show off, I got a response, from...Frank, along with 2 pix. I was a bit baffled but thought he would. I made some comment about being on CL so quickly, he said, I had had an ad through out our time together. I told him it was only in down time between him and I, and how I only ever got freaks. How I hadn't met anyone since our initial meet up. I know he had/has. I then wrote an email telling him how my "demon" is vino, or too much booze. He wrote me thanking me for an explanation, that in writing it meant a bit more sense, or shed more light on the "problem". I wrote another massive blurb about him....and nothing. I just sent one email, entitles, "One more" and pretty much kissed his ass, honestly though, all I said was true, whether I could put up with certain things, remains to be seen, but I promised to try. I'm sure to get a "no", friends. I said, slowly, that I want to keep in check with my "issues", that I wanted to hang out with him, responsibly and so much more. It killed me to write that, all that, and more than likely, being how I think he is, would say no. So I'm ready for that. I will respond with an, "OK" and leave it at that. If he emails me then I will respond. When the tickets come, I will forward then to him,. He can chose to email me and let me know and then maybe, later on, if he remembers, email me to ask me. A show we listened to together. Its like things we shared as he couldn't with anyone else? This is what I mean, I did a few things he couldn't share with others. I told him the night before all the drama, that I was flattered he could share that with me. I wouldn't if I was an ass or something to be afraid of?? He will still say no...Ill let you know and am ready to stop! I hope...
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His Final Words...Its Over.

I sent Frank an email when I got in apologizing and thanking him. this is what I got back in return.

Hi there,

First, don't apologize for sending a message. Either you want to send it and have it received, or you dont. But if you send it, you intend for it to be received, so don't apologize for it.

Second, I accept your apology for what transgressed last night.

However, it is the third occurence, and this episode was the strongest yet - so it would appear that it escalates each time. You are scaring me, and I hardly slept for fear of what you might get up and do next. I can't live in fear of what someone might do.

I am very saddened by this too. And I will miss you very much too. And I am heartbroken too. But I have no choice here.

You are the only one with a choice.

And I truly hope you choose to sort yourself out.

I am willing to meet you as a friend, as I truly care about you. Maybe in a couple of weeks or so.

So, I am sorry to be your CL nemesis, and thank you for all the good times.

F

I dont know what he means by the occurence last night. I have no clue and wish he would give me a hint of what I said/did. I cried reading this and had to write back. Short and sweet that I wont bother him no more. That I am a good person just insecure. That he can call on me if and when he wants to see me. That I need time to get over him and how he is the first person since Rob that Ive cared for so deeply. So its over...
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Totally Distraught I Am :(

So my last entry was sort of a jinx....
I got an email from Frank shortly thereafter....it eventually resulted in me going over. Was a fun start to the night. We laughed and had a nice time, talking about our weekends etc. At one point he went on to vacuum...I asked why, what had happened. He told me Katerina had knocked over the candle holder, throwing wax onto his carpet. I asked when she was over, he said, Thursday, I said I was over Thursday...he looked pensive.. Obviously it was Friday. He told me he was leaving Friday morning for Montreal, he didn't leave til Saturday. He was telling me how this women, who he had told me about earlier, had found out after 8 years in a relationship, that he boyfriend had been cheating on her the entire time. That spawned a conversation about cheating partners etc. That topic always gets to me as I hate that it happened to me, still do, so I am a but bitter about that subject. I had thoughts running through my head and stopped to utter any verbal thoughts, I just let it go. There was a brief conversation about going to Cuba together, if I would go?? I said yea, that he had gotten an offer in email. I would have jumped at the chance to be alone with him for a week, all to myself....that conversation went dead eventually.
Eventually we went to bed after downing some, allot of vino. I remember him cuddling up next to me, arms around me, going up and down my naked body. His feet entwined with mine...and his hands all over me. To my butt and on to some well enjoyed foreplay. Before any of that happened, I glanced over to his bedroom. I saw baby oil on the floor and crackers on the night stand. After foreplay in the bedroom, I opted to go for a smoke. It was a highly erotic moment that had subsided and off to the living room we went. He went to grab another glass of wine as it was still fairly early in the evening....that's all I remember. The next thing is, I wake up at about 6:30 and find myself alone in bed, up I go and find Frank on the sofa. I woke him up and said, "why are you on the couch?" - He got up almost fearful....saying its what I wanted and after last night, that was it. I was shocked as I don't remember but at the same time I was concerned and wanted to know what I said. He wouldn't utter a word from last night saying, it bears no repeating. That it was bordering on abusive and assaulting. Again that word. He said if he could have called the police he would. I asked to please remind me, he wouldn't. I sat there and I cried. Smoked and drank coffee, almost in pure silence with Frank. I said I wanted him to tell me something to remind me and he said no. That it was 10x worse that my emails, "take your emails and multiply them by 10 he said. I was shocked and a loss for words. Again, silence. I eventually told him, I had fallen in love with him, I have and had, and cried. He made it clear that this was the 3rd time Ive shown that side to him and it was enough, especially since it now happened on his grounds. I told him how I bought him tickets, if he would still accept them when I got them. He said yes, that we could go together and I think he went and marked that calendar. I said I will forward them on to him once I got them.. He told me to hang on to them and I said I would probably forget. He asked if I would go with him and said, sure. I said a few more things to him, which at this point I cant even remember. I thanked him for letting me into his life. I said at one point I would call a cab and go. I asked if I could get a hug when I left he told me yes...I started to cry and said could I get a hug now. He said no, but Ill hug you when you leave. He is very, stiff upper lip. Showing minimal emotion during this mornings goings on. While I waited for the cab, I went into the kitchen and thanked him, I told him how Ive enjoyed my time with him. I said that I didn't want to say good bye. He told me I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. I said, you are telling me goodbye. He said not as friends. We could still be that in time. It cant happen, not with someone I'm in love with who I now know will be seeking sexual activities with others, be it men or women, as well as just company, replacing me. Cab came, I went and hugged him, cried as I hugged him and he told me to pull it together that he hates to see me that way - and off I went. Walked in my door balling. What did I do? What did I say?? Fuck I'm so mad at myself. Hate myself. I went on to email him one last time and said, telling him how heartbroken I am, though no doing other than that of my own... I left my shorts there and we can figure that out later on, I apologised and went on how I fell in love and that in regards to the tickets, he didn't have to feel that we need to go, it wasn't the intention. That I got them as a token of appreciation for the fuck up from before, and if I had only known, I would do it again. That was it. That has to be my final word to him. If he wants a friendship, he has to come to me as I'm ready for him.
Totally distraught I am! :(
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Or Am I That Much More Of An Idiot?

OK so I'm in, "bummed out" mood. That could change with a "publish post" of a minute. As far as I was told. Frank was going to Montreal for a "farming" wknd...He told me he would probably come home, Monday night or so. Now I have to remember he is self employed and makes his own hours where each job is concerned. On Friday I emailed him saying I missed him already, blah blah....Also on the wknd I heard the "Vinyl Cafe" was doing a show here in Toronto, so I bought him tickets. I never meant or mean for him to think he has to go with me. It is a gift, something I hope he would like and can with whomever. Regardless, that he doesn't know of yet. Anyway, I sent him an email last night saying basically, that Im going to bed early(typos all kinds) and that I hope he got home OK etc and that he can tell me all about Montreal and his wknd, tonight, if possible. All day, nothing. Did he not come home? I think of the best case scenarios with things I like....traffic would be to heavy on Monday, stay overnight and go Tuesday...so at some point today he should email me. Nothin at all. Not yesterday, not today so I am a bit worried, concerned. I have a feeling he was back yesterday....but no, I got in late email or anything so maybe he didn't pull in? I'm confused. I told him I missed him and that I like Frank, for Frank and hoped he liked, "Franco for Franco" - no response. I sit her, trying to occupy my time but at the same time, wonder why I haven't heard from him. Why ask if I like you for more than 2 physical aspects? Do you like me and hope its not just a physical thing with you? I"m confused right now...I want to hear back and see what he says, tells me? I'm confused and hate this part of me....There has to be a good reason....or am I that much of an idiot??
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Hope To Hear From Him Later On....

Well it is the holiday Monday here so no work thankfully. Frank has been in Montreal this weekend so I have occupied myself otherwise. I found out that his favourite, one of his favourite radio shows is doing a Christmas show at the Sony Centre, so I bought him tickets, why I don't know. When he asks, Ill say, its for all the bullshit that happened after we shortly met. I should get those by weeks end. I emailed him Friday saying, I was gonna miss him. He wrote to me telling me, he has nice hands and feet but he hopes that's not all I like about him. I wrote back saying I like Frank Bently. Then I asked where he was, as I didn't expect any emails at least til late Monday. I never heard back, the following day I wrote just as an FYI, that the weather here was very summer like, that it would or could have been an island day, one or both days. Today I'm taking it easy, no nothing til I meet with my friend Tim for lunch, if we meet. If not it will be a clean and sober day, Ive over done it this weekend which is what long weekends are for but I'm not 20 anymore, this is something I tend to forget at times. I wont be emailing Frank in hopes that when he gets in, he will let me know he has arrived home safe and sound. Part of me is worried about hearing what went on in Montreal but think he has a bit more respect than to let me hear things I may not want to hear. Hopefully it was a "farming" weekend like he said. Ive missed him and wished that we could have had a night or 2 together this long weekend but it didn't happen. We will see when he contacts me, if he contacts me, what will happen between us. I will wait til a certain time, to consider going over to see him, otherwise, maybe tomorrow. I will wait and see and carry on with my day as normal, and hope to hear from him later on.....
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Cant Wait For You To Come Home...

So Thursday night was election night here in the city. I emailed Frank telling him I had voted and that if he wanted company to watch results, Id love to see him. Knowing he was away for the wknd I wanted to see him before he left. He said he would like company but that it would be an early night, I told him, I too work in the AM so it would have to be an early one. He told me he was out of wine, I offered to pick up and go on over. I arrived there, all silly and happy to be in his company again. I gave him the wine and a pack of smokes to thank him for the car ride the other day. We had a fun conversation that night, it was free and easy and nothing to worry about. Eventually off to bed and a good nights sleep. He was in total man wear which was hot. In the morning it was the usual, chat, smoke and coffee. I held his hand a few times and he held back, didn't resist. We were sober so that's always the test. I mean it all even after a few drink, if anything I mean it more being tipsy and all, but I love holding his hand. In the morning I was feeling horny and as he sat on the sofa in his briefs, I played under the comforter, eventually exposing myself. Ive never done that but with him it was erotic. I touched me a few times almost bringing me to the edge, but I stopped. I told him I wanted to get off with him again and he said we would again soon. Hes told me how "sex" these days is dangerous, hence his hesitation. I am all good with how our "sex life" is. To me its more important to be with him than anything else. Its what makes me happiest. He was off for the weekend to Montreal to see a friend. I was a bit offed when I figured that out as it is a long weekend and would have loved to spend a day with him, but we are still new to each other so off to work I went. A hug and a kiss good bye, I emailed him in regards to a front page story of a newspaper and carried on my day. Then in drunken stupidity I emailed and told him to email me when he was back in town, that I missed him already, knowing he was miles away and that I cant wait to see him upon his return. I got an email from him later on last night saying, "I have nice hands and nice feet, but I hope you want to see me for more than that. LOL" - I told him I like Frank Bentley as a person. That I hate leaving him in the mornings and that I have so much fun with him. I do and Thursday night went off without a hitch, I wish it could always be like that with us. He is back on Monday night and I will go see him if its not too late. I loved hugging him before I left. I love him brushing up against me to get a kiss on the neck. I love him, when I get into his apt and he grabs me by the waist to kiss me hello. I know I will get hurt eventually, this Ive expressed to others already, but in the meantime, I am happy with him. Could he want me? Only me? I don't know, I'm still terrified of my feelings but when he seems happy with me, being with me, I am in another world all together and nothing can harm me. I feel almost protected from drama when I am with him. I think he has realised that my flip out a few weeks back was kinda legit or warranted? Why else would he let me back into his life? I'm grateful he wasn't an ass and completely shut me out. I remember the first time he asked me over, I pretty much raced there. I re read emails where he says, "It wont go any further" and then it has, tipsy and sober, it has. So I think he likes me to a certain point. I try to be easy going, fun and silly with him to enjoy our times together and it seems to be working. I will miss him this weekend and cant wait to see him again. Hopefully I don't hear anything threatening that makes my next entry the complete opposite of this one. I did say, "I love you" in regards to silly things, but my fear, my feeling is that, I am falling in love with him...
Ill miss you this weekend and cant wait for you to come home Mr Bently!
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Am I? Can I Be?

So Tuesday night after a night at the theatre, I had a message from Frank, asking me over and regardless of time, I love spending time with him and went on over. Got there past 11pm, but made it. We had a few drinks together and a few smokes, listened to a radio program and then went on to chat and mess around. I told him how I think of him all day when I'm not with him, how I have no dramas in the world. We went to bed and woke up together which I love. We were yakking in the morning, over coffee. He told me a few disturbing things that made me leave kinda pensive, kinda sad. I asked if hes met anyone since me, and this time he told me he met one. That sorta upset me. I told him, Ive met no one. He told me he has seen my ad, which I threw up while we weren't in cahoots, since we have connected again, nothing. He asked about responses to my ad and I told him that they were freaks and Ive met no one. He told me I should meet others and that too set me off. I asked him if he could drive me home as I came straight from the theatre and he told me, "I'm not a cab" and that was the third thing that made me feel like a shit. He said on the drive to my place, that he didn't mean for it to sound bitchy, but that it wasn't always possible. I still felt like a shit and broke down in tears when I got home. He told me how he would meet up with someone just to show off in his fetish gear, but not sex, that its too dangerous. But seriously, you think someone will invite you over to put on a show and not want to get off?? I saw that he was on craigslist when I got there, looking for a ride to Montreal. I asked when he was going and with whom? He told me he was going alone and that it was for this weekend. I was a bit thrown by that, as I was hoping we could have a night together on the long weekend, so I don't think that is happening,. I said to him in the evening, after the show, that I wanted to go on a proper "date" with him. He told me how Niagara was a date, I said yea it was a while ago, was a fun "date" but Id like to go on another so we will see. I emailed him yesterday saying Id love to go over and hang out with him and that it wouldn't be as late at the night before, but he had gone to a conference and had gotten home late and there was another today, so it went no where. I said that it was too bad Id loved to have seen him. I sent a good morning email today and said that hopefully we see each other before he leaves for the wknd. Ill have to see how and when he responds. In the evening and morning, he held my hand, I love when he does that. He inches close to me for me to kiss him and I love that too. What am I to him!? I want and need to know. In a earlier emails when we met, he said he was looking for "one guy" - well so am I and I wish he could be my "one guy" - A guy who wants to be with me and only me. So he is bisexual, that's no issue, for now? But it would be awesome if he told me, that at the moment at least, I am the "one guy" for him. Am I, can I be?
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Just Saying...

Well we made it past Monday which always a nice thing. Had a brief chat with Frank last night. I was too wiped to go anywhere or even entertain which was OK for a change. I needed an early night. I asked Frank, maybe coffee in the morning. I woke up to an email saying, OK, you coming here? I would but Ive been going there allot, so I asked him to pop over here and grab some Tim's coffee. I haven't heard from him, maybe he is still asleep? I did call him and said the same, in case he hadn't checked emails yet, so we will see. I'm going to a show tonight with a friend so I wont be seeing him tonight. He could still get a hold of me, but Ill wait another half hour and get on with my day and leave for work. Ill email him before I leave if I don't hear back and just say, maybe tomorrow? I would love to see him, its always fun to start my day by seeing him, like yesterday. Maybe he is still uncomfortable with the parking situation here? We could meet outside and hang for a bit, but again, its in his hands. God I love his hands :P - This is a simple entry with no drama, its more of a "just saying" entry.
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Chill & Enjoy??

Well the weekend ended on a good note -
Last night I was getting emails from Frank..Its weird that I think reverse psychology worked in this situation ha, is it possible? Anyways, I made comments about the other nights happenings, to remind him and to laugh with him. I was sending him YouTube links for videos I created and he told me he couldn't YouTube. I said that the next time, if I'm over, to remind me and ill have a look at it. He said, "If? I thought we were on the road to being good friends..?" - I wrote back, we are on that road, I just don't invite myself...and it went from there. Eventually an invite over. He answered the door in jeans and a shirt, very nice looking. We went up, I brought him wine and he kissed me hello a few times at the door, was sweet. It made me feel good. We talked and laughed, listened to music and then he changed again. I was cool with it and went with it. Again, the man is what I'm attracted to, so the clothes don't get in my way. He wanted to listen to a certain song and I found it on line for him. He played it over and over which was cool with me. He took a seat next to me on the sofa, and during the song he grabbed my hand, squeezed and held it so tightly, it was so nice. I love those moments. He would put his hand out for me to hold and I would. I was a sweet moment with and for me. Eventually to bed and a nice wake up, next to him again. He had to step out to grab smokes and coffee and he left me on the sofa, he trusts me? A few coffees and a few morning smokes and time was flying. He changed into his clothes and got ready to go as did I. I asked if he could drive me to work and he did, and I wasn't sure..kiss him or what? Ill wait to see what he does...He kissed me. It too was nice, on the streets lol. It made my short walk in to work, make me feel good. I sent him an email earlier from work in regards to a co workers contract drama and about his YouTube issue. When I got home I sent him an email with the song he kept playing last night and telling him how I retold a funny incident from last night and ended it with that, pretty much. He will probably get back to me soon. Not sure if he will ask me over or offer to come here? Or if its a "night off"? I'm going out with another friend tomorrow so I definitely wont be seeing him tomorrow. I was thinking of suggesting coffee in the morning. We are both up so why not. We will see. I'm happy he wants to go down that road again...friendship and go from there. Its a bit more really if anyone were to look at it, but I will take it as it happens. I asked him to go all the way soon, or rather that I wanted to, not sure if that's scary to him, it is for me but Id go with him. I'm into him in many ways, for some reason and try to accommodate and be open minded with everything. Again, I'm going for it and going to take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Don't think of him with other guys, he doesn't or seem to be like that. His stories seem that way and his "experiences" tell the same, so hopefully that's true. I don't think we would do "things" if there were others. I have to see what it flourishes into and I guess be happy that he has let me back in, so I should just chill and enjoy??
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Good Thoughts...Good Energy...

You know, it is early in my day still. I haven't heard from Frank today, and didn't the rest of yesterday. I emailed asking how his day went and what he was wearing, in regards to Friday nights conversation. No response. Then this morning I emailed asking if he partook in "Nuit Blanche" last night and how I wish I had woken up the way we did yesterday morning. Nothing. I left my shorts there on purpose yesterday, hoping at some point he would let me know I left them there, or this morning while having his coffee he would have noticed. But I await I guess. I'm not sure what he is thinking. I went through some emails just out of boredom earlier, and he wrote, weeks back how we cant drink together, and we did that both Tuesday past and the other night, and it went OK. No flip out, just fun, and Friday was fun. He mentioned how the furthest we could go, would me spanking his bottom, but it went much further than that, so that's 2 things he couldn't keep to. I don't want to keep to his rules of no drinking together etc. We had such a fun time and Ill remind him of that. Still I don't understand not even a response or a hello email from him. That has changed. I don't remember feeling this way before we had out little falling out, when things changed. I'm sure I will hear from him at some point today. This evening sometime, and that's all good. I'm just hoping things change again between us. Ive been the "first" on a few occasions so surely I must be somewhat interesting to him to be able to do all that? Am I being naive again? Only time will tell, but good thoughts and good energy?
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...Something More Comes Out Of It...

Well, eventually Frank got back to my emails....I have little patience it seems.
I sent him one about a movie I was watching, something silly that reminded me of him and a conversation was started. He was telling me how he was partaking in his new fetish and sent on a photo, then I told him Id rather see it in person. He went on to say I could smack his bum but that would be the extent of it. I sorta backed off. Eventually he invited me for "a show". I was intrigued and went. It was him in his fetish wear which was OK with me. It was different, but it was still him I was with. It was erotic and many ways. I asked if he was uncomfortable in his "wear" in front of me and he said, not really, but that he felt stupid.I asked why? He just said, "I just do". I tried to make him feel comfortable and relaxed. Many times he said he would go change into his regular clothes, to which I encouraged him to do as he pleased, whatever was most comfortable with. He told me a while back that he doesn't invite people over, so it was nice when I kept getting invited. Last night he told me that I was the first person he ever showed off in front of and as silly/dumb as that may sound, I'm glad he was comfortable enough to do it for me, and I felt kinda "special", being the first one to share that with him. It went on to get more erotic, for a while and then to bed. Sleeping naked again with him was nice. At first we took to our own spot in bed, but by morning that had changed. Sliding my hand up and down his body is so sensual to me, feeling his body, his whole body. Kissing his chest, the back of his neck, heavenly. We had a very romantic morning in bed to say the least. We went to have coffee afterwards, him in his robe and me hidden behind a large pillow. We were telling stories and laughing. He was sitting next to me on the sofa and a few times, I leaned over to put my arms around him, or lay my head again his chest or shoulders. I would say things like, I love holding you, I love spending time with you. He never responded but nodded a time or two. I thought to keep my mouth shut but when I'm in that zone I forget and yak. I told him he would have to come see Stoli soon, and he mentioned putting my TV on the wall, so he didn't forget that, and could possible be over one day soon on my territory - He eventually got dressed and he looked so hot. Jeans, tshirt and cap, he looks too cute in that cap. I asked if he could drive me home and he said he could do that - I asked to drop me on the corner so I could grab a few things. I wasn't sure to kiss him or not, but I did and he kissed back, and off I went. It was such a nice night and I'm thrilled today. Will he email me later? Will we get together again today or tomorrow? Sometime this weekend? I don't want to think I was a trick of the night kinda thing. I wonder if to him I was/am a "friend with benefit"? I know I at one point suggested that, just to be with him physically again, so could this have been his jump on that? I still believe he hasn't met anyone else? I could be wrong. I doubt we would do the things we did if had, considering the std crap went through. I at this point, need once again to step back and see what he says next. I wont even send me usual, "thank you" email - just to see if and when he contacts me. I loved the night with him, lets hope something more comes of it?
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