Yesterday was a hard day, talking about my situation was hard but I maintained my cool. I while at work sent Frank an email explaining my "demons", being too much booze. I told him that I think I know what triggered what may have happened that fateful night, without even knowing what was said. He told me that if it wasn't for him knowing what happened to me last year, that he would have called the police or thrown me out, but thought I wouldn't benefit from it. That's started a conversation back and forth. He thanked me for explanations, more clear explanations, commended me on my moving on and trying to be a healthier person. I told him how he has made me so comfortable, how doing new things with him were incredible. I spoke of sleeping alone the night before, hugging my pillow. How before that I would hug my pillow knowing one night soon Id have my arms around him and now, that's not a possibility ever again and how it pained me. He wrote and said, adding his tears to mine wouldn't help. How is saddened too. I eventually sent a new email entitled, "one more". In that email I wrote the same as above adding that I want one more chance. That I want to experience life with him, learn, live and explore together. How I want to prove to myself more than anyone that I can deal with issues but with him by my side, it would be awesome. He wrote back and telling me that he too is crying over our situation and how he thought, my email was good, thanked me for showing integrity and strength, and for that he sends a hug. I asked if that was a no, trying to start again. He said, "it doesn't come across does it?" I said no...that I was confused. He said, he was sorry to confuse me and was off to bed. I went on to say, "I'm an idiot I told you that, I don't get the message" - He said, "stop saying/thinking and believing that you are an idiot" - I wrote back, "well then...can we try slowly" - he wrote back, "maybe". That was a million times better than no. I was psyching myself for a no, so a maybe was unexpected. I started crying when he wrote me that. I wrote back with a smiley face and said, "you are so special to me man, really" - and it ended there. I don't know what to expect?? I said in an earlier email that I hope one day soon we can be at his place or mine, enjoying each others company. I told him in an email how most fags, if ya don't sleep with them asap, you never hear back. I went on about how we haven't really had sex but being romantic with him was perfect with him. We have gotten off together but full on sex no. I'm OK with that, as it seemed that fateful night, it was going in a different direction, one I was enjoying. I will await his email and see what he says as he may have gone off to bed after that, as he had said he was going to. I don't know what to expect and want to get with him again and take it as it comes, one day at a time. Hearing words that make it sound like we were in a relationship makes me sad, cuz I was never sure. Talking about our split or while we were together is nice to read. He question CL ads. I told him during our downtime I was, but not since we actually met back in July had I met anyone, or that any response I got were freaks and they went no where. How I had an ad in the "platonic only" section as I wasn't really looking.....
For now I just sit and wait. Not sure Ill hear from him this morning, but hope to at some point.
I miss him allot knowing I may never see him again...I hope that changes - I love Mr Bentley...
x
No comments:
Post a Comment