Well last night I got a chance to go to Franks place. He invited me over for pizza, that we never did order, but regardless. I went in, I felt awkward at first but plopped down on the sofa. He brought me a glass of wine and the entire time I kept thinking to myself, don't get smashed and careful of what you say. We started to talk about all that went on in the last week or so. Tears on both ends. He asked how I could say such hurtful things, when I say how nice and good he was to me. I cant answer that. I told him I wanted him to hate me, never talk to me again, in that frame of mind. How he is afraid of my "episodes" - I told him I never felt that he wanted to be with me. How I realized that his coming over all the time was a way of showing me he did like me, why else would he have come over time and time again. I told him how I was to never fall in love. How I wanted to stay a single man and that I don't go looking for relationships, but then he shows his face in my direction and all that changed. I said I still wish I could have you all for me. That for the first time since Rob, have I invested time in someone. I did tell him that I was hurt when he mentioned meeting another man while we were together. He told me it was in the beginning stages. That's all good and dandy but I told him, from day one, after coffee the first time, I never met up with anyone else. I was hoping to have built something with him and we tried until I destroyed it on more than one occasion. I told him I would sleep on the sofa and he grabbed me a comforter and pillows eventually. While talking to me and crying, I went over to him to hug him and apologised for bringing that on him. I told him how he is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. How friends were happy to see me happy with someone for a change. Lots was said and explained. I brought my bad of weed and we eventually smoked up as well which was needed. He brought out some kind of bruscetta concoction he made which was actually really good and like I said, needed with the drinking. He eventually went and grabbed brandy and some juice and we had another drink. He was sitting there at one point in just a tshirt, I didn't even realize he had nothing on the bottom half. I would run my hand up and down his back and at one point as he stood, I felt his ass...he jerked away. I shouldn't have. When he was off to bed, I looked at him and asked if I could sleep with him. He said to turn off the light on the end table, I did and to his bed I went.I think through the night I may have snuggled up to him. He rubbed his feet against mine, his legs against mine, that I recall. It was so nice to feel him against me, its been a while and I miss it with him. I told him he has to learn to trust me again, that I will show him that I am a good person. He says nothing bad of me, but questions the why. The only thing I could say was that I had fallen in love with him. That I messed it up and my world was turned upside down. How I lost the first real good guy that Ive met since being single. It was a sad and revealing conversation that went thru the night til gone midnight. I was willing to risk no working today or anything to spend that time with him. I went on how when I'm with him I have no problems in the world and its true. He makes me happy for the most part. If only he could commit, it would have been perfect. This morning I woke up after him to find him at his PC reading emails. He grabbed me some coffee and idle chit chat. I asked if I could leave my pot there as the last thing I needed was to be caught in possession. He said OK, but I left it there more so, so I could go by again. My pipe and stash are there. He offered to drive me to the subway stn which was nice and not expected. I told him I would walk as miserable as it was outside. I sent him an email when I got to work. Thanking him for letting me come over, the snacks and conversation. That I would prove that he can trust me and how when I wasn't with him the last week or so, it was just miserable for me. I asked if he wanted to get together, I could grab us a bite to eat and we can hang. Not sure if he will be up to it today but I threw it out there. I'm hoping those tickets arrive today, I think it will make him happy. I truly do love the man. Hearing him tell me he loved me too brought tears to my eyes, but again he cant understand how someone can do that. If we get together tonight, I want to say....no discussing the past between us?? New start and a nice night with no tears, and see what happened from there. I told him how I was scared to go over last night, but wanting to see him over rode fear. I hope he still likes me, and wants to hang with me...we will see what today's email brings - I'm hoping for the best....
I feel he will clarify the non physical aspect of our "friendship"and that will bring me down. All I can do is try....
x
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