Totally Distraught I Am :(

So my last entry was sort of a jinx....
I got an email from Frank shortly thereafter....it eventually resulted in me going over. Was a fun start to the night. We laughed and had a nice time, talking about our weekends etc. At one point he went on to vacuum...I asked why, what had happened. He told me Katerina had knocked over the candle holder, throwing wax onto his carpet. I asked when she was over, he said, Thursday, I said I was over Thursday...he looked pensive.. Obviously it was Friday. He told me he was leaving Friday morning for Montreal, he didn't leave til Saturday. He was telling me how this women, who he had told me about earlier, had found out after 8 years in a relationship, that he boyfriend had been cheating on her the entire time. That spawned a conversation about cheating partners etc. That topic always gets to me as I hate that it happened to me, still do, so I am a but bitter about that subject. I had thoughts running through my head and stopped to utter any verbal thoughts, I just let it go. There was a brief conversation about going to Cuba together, if I would go?? I said yea, that he had gotten an offer in email. I would have jumped at the chance to be alone with him for a week, all to myself....that conversation went dead eventually.
Eventually we went to bed after downing some, allot of vino. I remember him cuddling up next to me, arms around me, going up and down my naked body. His feet entwined with mine...and his hands all over me. To my butt and on to some well enjoyed foreplay. Before any of that happened, I glanced over to his bedroom. I saw baby oil on the floor and crackers on the night stand. After foreplay in the bedroom, I opted to go for a smoke. It was a highly erotic moment that had subsided and off to the living room we went. He went to grab another glass of wine as it was still fairly early in the evening....that's all I remember. The next thing is, I wake up at about 6:30 and find myself alone in bed, up I go and find Frank on the sofa. I woke him up and said, "why are you on the couch?" - He got up almost fearful....saying its what I wanted and after last night, that was it. I was shocked as I don't remember but at the same time I was concerned and wanted to know what I said. He wouldn't utter a word from last night saying, it bears no repeating. That it was bordering on abusive and assaulting. Again that word. He said if he could have called the police he would. I asked to please remind me, he wouldn't. I sat there and I cried. Smoked and drank coffee, almost in pure silence with Frank. I said I wanted him to tell me something to remind me and he said no. That it was 10x worse that my emails, "take your emails and multiply them by 10 he said. I was shocked and a loss for words. Again, silence. I eventually told him, I had fallen in love with him, I have and had, and cried. He made it clear that this was the 3rd time Ive shown that side to him and it was enough, especially since it now happened on his grounds. I told him how I bought him tickets, if he would still accept them when I got them. He said yes, that we could go together and I think he went and marked that calendar. I said I will forward them on to him once I got them.. He told me to hang on to them and I said I would probably forget. He asked if I would go with him and said, sure. I said a few more things to him, which at this point I cant even remember. I thanked him for letting me into his life. I said at one point I would call a cab and go. I asked if I could get a hug when I left he told me yes...I started to cry and said could I get a hug now. He said no, but Ill hug you when you leave. He is very, stiff upper lip. Showing minimal emotion during this mornings goings on. While I waited for the cab, I went into the kitchen and thanked him, I told him how Ive enjoyed my time with him. I said that I didn't want to say good bye. He told me I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. I said, you are telling me goodbye. He said not as friends. We could still be that in time. It cant happen, not with someone I'm in love with who I now know will be seeking sexual activities with others, be it men or women, as well as just company, replacing me. Cab came, I went and hugged him, cried as I hugged him and he told me to pull it together that he hates to see me that way - and off I went. Walked in my door balling. What did I do? What did I say?? Fuck I'm so mad at myself. Hate myself. I went on to email him one last time and said, telling him how heartbroken I am, though no doing other than that of my own... I left my shorts there and we can figure that out later on, I apologised and went on how I fell in love and that in regards to the tickets, he didn't have to feel that we need to go, it wasn't the intention. That I got them as a token of appreciation for the fuck up from before, and if I had only known, I would do it again. That was it. That has to be my final word to him. If he wants a friendship, he has to come to me as I'm ready for him.
Totally distraught I am! :(
x