I Will Miss You...

Last night things got ugly between Frank and me and I think I ended any kind of relationship whatsoever. Part of me is glad as I cant be with him as a friend, feeling what I do/did. I'm no t over him but last nights bullshit was enough to never make him talk to me ever again or see me. I went to the pub after running some errands and had a few drinks and he came into my mind. I had to leave for fear of breaking down in public. I came home wrote him an email telling him how I felt lonely, how without knowing what ended him and me was killing me as I don't know what to rectify. I told him he has someone to fall back on, not me, I was and am alone. We ended up on the phone for a while, yelling at each other. I remember telling him or asking him if he wanted money from me. He keeps bringing that up - Take my fucking money, I don't care. That's not what I am about! I don't care about that kind of shit - money is nothing to me, I don't want it or need it. His stories of when he had money - Ive never had and don't need. Enough to feed myself and shelter myself is all. I at one point called him up to 50 times with no response. He then called my 3 times, I was passed out. He left me a voice mail telling me the police were there. I don't believe him. He said he would send them my way but no one showed, no one buzzed me. I don't even think Frank knows my last name, apt number or anything of importance - I sent him 2 emails this morning and I will not hear back I am sure. In the first one I said to not threaten me with the police, that I am terrified of that and he knows it and uses it against me. The second one said that, I hate myself for what Ive done, that when I got him message about the police, I fled my apt(I didn't) and hung out outside by the garbage bins freezing my ass off, crying in fear and hatred. That he now knows I am an asshole and don't deserve him in my life. I will send him those tickets just cuz I did that out of love and nothing more. I do love him and now know I have wasted my time, hoping for more. I have a habit of destroying things and that's just what I have done. I posted CL ads with his picture and information, slandering him. Drunken stupidity. I got an email at one point, "what kind of fucking jerk are you" - in response to a link to a CL ad about him. I may do it again. I may never think of him again! I don't know. I hate myself, I hate him for what he has put me through. We had the STD talk and email conversation again, he doesn't get it!! I will miss you Frank -
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