Let's See What Happens...

Fuck!! I sent him a video clip, my fave video clip that I keep watching, only cuz he is in it, you see him for all of 3 seconds, he wrote back, "nice clip" - I went on to say, ya it is, u up for company later? i had a crappy day and could use some laughs, that I could bring wine since I helped polish off the last box, and pot to help practice his spliff rolling" - no response over 90 minutes ago. I know its still early, by Friday night standards, but I know he replies within 20 minutes or so. So nothing over 90 minutes later. I wrote him a few minutes back saying, maybe the last message made no sense, that I hate corrective text....that I wondered if he wanted company, but if he is busy, another time and wished him a good night. That was maybe 10 minutes ago. I was hoping to hear from him, yes or no while at the pub - nada. He isn't into the back and forth with email, but he responded to the clip, not the email questions. I'm so upset but he could call later on, when he has had a few drinks....? I so hate this situation, I really do. I wait for him, hope for him. Why don't I just give up and let him call on me? He said feeling my hands in his pants was hot to him. Maybe its something he misses, if I disappear for a while, will he miss me? Could I be the one guy he gets on with? I don't know so this is why I try to be/stay in touch, on a frequent basis, but it doesn't work to my benefit? So why? I'm trying to meet new people, stay busy to not think of him, but its almost next to impossible. Then I think, the nice things I said to him, like, I missed him, when I was over the other night, and nothing from him, makes me wonder. He gave me a great hug on the way out on Wednesday morning, and I kissed him on the neck, as I had no other choice, nothing from him. Verbally or physically. So I'm not sure. The night, weekend is still young, he could text/email me later, it could happen, or it will all fall on deaf ears, and no response. To which I have to remain to my previous words?? No emails!! Let see what happens!!!
x

Leaving It Up To Him...

Well I can never keep my own word to myself -
Last night while on a patio with a friend I decided to send an email, in a fun way to Frank -
I wrote this email as if it came from Stoli, my little guy. It basically just said, Stoli says he misses you and was wondering if you wanted to come by for a drink and have a laugh here - That I was writing it on his behalf as he wasn't good with the keyboards, I wanted it to sound cute and fun. I got a response back saying, Thanks Stoli, but its a bit late for tonight, another time. That was at about 7:30 or so, so I wrote back and said, its not even 8 and that I went by the other night at 9...then I sent him that video of Niagara where he is telling me about the collapsed bridge and called it, "nice vid" - and no response. I guess he isn't that interested or was busy, I'm not sure. Why do I try? I wont be(at least I say) emailing him then again. I will await for him to call on me. I don't have a choice and wonder what he thinks? I just want to have fun with him. I want to ask him who(I'm sure hes not met up since the std scare)he has met, how many gay friends he has etc...just to know, I'm curious. He asked me the other day while at his place, about people answering my ad? Not sure if he had seen it re posted or what asking in general. I told him most respond with things I'm not looking for and how its a waste of time really, but I was wondering about that question. He invited me over last Friday, we will see if that happens again, I will go over if he asks but I'm not holding my breath. As I said, I sent a few emails and no response so all I have to do, all I can do is wait and see. I want to show him a fun time, that we can laugh and enjoy each others company, drama free - but again, I have to leave it up to him...
x

One Step At A Time....

Well Tuesday night I stopped off at the pub for a drink. While sipping on my third cocktail I decided to send Frank an email. I went on using kinda reverse psychology? I told him I was thinking the last 2-3 days about his last emails. I went to tell him that I am fine with no physical contact. That after realizing how he treats his body(unsafe sex) I was ok with it. That the fact that he does/did that, sort of repulsed me considering how intelligent he really is. That is best feature are his hands, which are beautiful.I went on to tell him he wasn't the same or wouldnt be treating me the same and I am OK with it. I got a stern response saying his life is not that of a slut, that he engaged in activities a few times but has learned his lesson through out little std scare. At the same time he mentioned that I knowingly shagged my ex, unsafe, all the while knowing he was cheating on me and that he too should be more repulsed than me. I replied with, firstly that I was in love with my ex, how I always get tested and how from day one, Ive been honest. I told him how I was upfront about my relationships, arrests etc. He responded saying I never gave any bullshit, that I was upfront with him. My last email in return was that I liked him, that I don't understand whats happened between him and I and that Im distraught at our situation. He said he thought it was funny that I used "liked", past tense. I said what more am I to write, and he wrote back - Nothing, why don't you come by for a laugh. So I took him up on it. I grabbed a change of clothes and cabbed it over. It was so nice to see him. He was wearing black tshirt and dark pants with no socks. He looked awesome. He is so cute and Ive missed him. I thanked him for the invite and he poured some wine and we chatted.. He told me how he had almost given up on me but hasn't. We discussed things like emailing each other, and so on. Eventually we drank some more, smoked up some...and I had to go to bed. I went to his room and undressed, he made an "oh" sound with I took off my underwear so I slipped them back on. I wasnt awake when he came to bed, but awoke in the night with my hands on his tummy. Eventually I slipped them down his pants a few times and when I awoke I removed my hand but it happened again. He slept with his clothes on I think for obvious reasons. In the morning talking, listening to new etc - I looked at him and said you slept with your clothes on, he said he thought it best but remembers my hands down his pants. I apologized for that and he said "oh no don't worry" - I said, Ive come here now next time you come to my place. He hesitated and said, "maybe" - He said parking was dangerous where I live. I told him he could cab it like i did, bike or TTC and he said, "yea"...
Eventually I got up to go to work, hugged him good bye, thanked him and kissed him on his neck. When I got to work I wrote a thank you email. Thanking for the invite and hospitality in the morning. I heard nothing back til last night. He said he was glad he saw me, it was nice - that he was glad that he slept with his clothes on, but it was hot to feel my hands down his pants. I wrote back, "Yea sorry about that" and didn't hear back, then I wrote - "And anytime you want" - and nothing. This morning I wrote that I woke up way too early and had no coffee and that it would be a long day. He will awake in about a half hour or so and I guess he will see what I wrote and may/may not respond. I have to say I missed him so much that it was so nice to see him. He is beautiful. Staring at his feet and hands, looking at his face was awesome. Something I missed and wished I could turn back time. He never sat beside me on the sofa, nor did I ask him to like I normally would, I didn't want to be too forward, If he wants to he can if not I need to be OK with it. I am a bit sad about the whole scenario still as I wish I could see him more, its only been a day now, but when will the next time be, when, where and why. In my email yesterday where I thanked him, I said he could come to my place next time and that I would cover parking just so he didn't need to deal with parking tickets. I'm trying to make him understand how I am -
Will it get me anywhere, anywhere I wanna it to go? Will he see how nice I still am and not was?
Ill await his words and see what he thinks of....the whole thing, one step at a time...
x

UPDATE: what really bugs me is, that I know he is awake and he would have rec'd me emails, last night as a joke and this mornings but nothing. I dont understand why? He would normally, as he did earlier this summer respond to me but these days its not the same.
For that Im bummed - So I have to hold back and no more until I hear back -

Im Standing Back...

Somehow I managed to not email Frank. Good on me!! It was hard and sad to think I cant or don't want to as I'm wasting MY time, not his. I'm not so concerned with his to be honest after having him talk to me as he has and what not. His drunken stupidity is OK, i.e, Friday nights invite, mine is reason to end things and then be blamed on me for leaving him? His last email told me that he would let me know when we will do coffee this week sometime. I was thinking, will I, wont I?? I will if only to see him, BUT if he thinks I will be issuing any cash, that will be a conversation on its own and could end friendship when I tell him I wasn't the one who was irresponsible. I had offered at the time, the offer doesn't stand forever. He should have taken advantage of my stupidity at the time, Ive smartened up. Again this morning I haven't emailed him and wont. I kn ow he is awake and probably checked emails. He doesn't wanna write me that's fine, nice friend? If he cared and knowing how sad I am about our situation, you would think he would send one seeing how I am? Nope. He wants me to be the one in this friendship to initiate any communication, not gonna happen. He has laid down the law and I will abide, I wont give in but I will abide. No communications, Ive done enough of that. He doesn't want to discuss anything and for me that doesn't work. I have no answers, nothing that is valid to me and to continue on, not knowing it hard for me. I will let all this known at some point. Ive told him that when he wants to talk/hang with a genuine friend who cares for him, to call on me, but I'm not going pursue it. I wonder what Friday will be like, will he start drinking and ask me over again? If he does, I am going over, but doubt that will happen. I'm just saying, to get him on his drunken stupidity. He wont be meeting me for coffee as its too late already but apparently sometime this week, so we will see. I haven't seen him in over 2 weeks and miss him, but am mad at him for letting things go as they have. They have all been his decisions, not mine so I'm standing back -
x

Sad But True...

Well last night I confirmed to myself, I want minimal if anything to do with my fella. Early on in the weekend he asked me over. He was drunk that I know, he asked me over to discuss things. Well he went away for a golf weekend and was away Sat/Sun, my last email to him was Saturday, asking if he wanted me to come over to discuss etc. Last night upon his arrival home from his weekend, he wrote as told me he wasn't ignoring my emails, that he was away, that he had a good wknd and thanked me for asking, and hoped mine was good. I responded saying I wasn't thinking he was ignoring my emails, just that I was responding to his emails.Then asked why he invited me over. I was told that his invite was a mistake, drunken no less. I told him that it was fine as he also said we can remain friends, go for coffee or a day together...I said, fine you let me know. Then he wrote another email saying, to not ever hope for a restart on the sexual side of life, I again wrote back - OK. He said we would do coffee this week and again, I wrote, OK let me know. Part of me wants to delay the first coffee date and reschedule. Part of me wants to go for it when he asks wondering if he wants money as discussed last week, which I wont be giving him. I have no understanding as to why we stopped seeing each other, why he says I left him etc. Why no more sexual contact, is there no attraction, is there someone else? Does he think I could have given him something? There is no understanding and for that reason I cant carry on. I wont be telling him this any time soon just to see where it carries on from there. It was a bit hurtful when I read the email telling me not to dream of us getting back together, it hit a nerve in me, one that wants to cut him off completely. There is no explanation to his words and his actions. I'm one that needs to understand, make sense of a situation and I cant with this one, therefor there is nothing more. I wont be initiating any contact and I think he will understand or get the hint when my emails stop. Flattery and a letting him know how I feel or felt are a thing of the past. He, like Rob did with our relationship, is a thing of the past. No more effort to be put in as I didn't deserve or understand what was going on -
I to a point regret meeting Frank, I enjoyed my time with him, but I'm just leaving it at a cyber friendship and that's all, in my efforts at least.
Sad but true...
x

What Is Up?

So I can guarantee that the invite on Friday was wine induced. I wrote him a few times, even from where I was spending the day to say that if he wanted to, on my way home, I can go over to "discuss" - no response. Nothing this morning either and I'm sure he is awake by now....I will just sit back and wait - Coffee is supposed to be sometime this week, if he has time, and if I am free. I'm telling friends of his invite on Friday and that I declined when in reality, I missed that email and part of me is glad I did, part of me is pissed at myself cuz I would love to see him as today is 2 weeks, well tomorrow, but Friday may have been different, may have been something Ive missed and wanted over the last 2 weeks. Keeping busy is my saving grace. Having gone to spend the day with my cousin helped, distraction, though I kept checking my phone, but nothing. He told me of a supposed golf tournament wkdn and I'm assuming that's what he is doing with his time, but as of late, his routine is to not respond to me, so today I'm hoping I'm strong enough, busy enough to not make the first move in regards to an email. I will leave it up to him as since I am out tonight, there is not way I will be in touch with him, nor will I tomorrow, famous last words. At this point in my day I will make my calls and then deal with my chores and like I say, keep busy. Most people I am telling the situation to, tell me to let him go. He is messed up and they are probably right. I was falling for a man that I was hoping would want to be with me, miss me and call on me for company and what not. Frank doesn't seem to be that guy. I wonder when and if we meet for coffee if he will look at me and miss me? Want to see more of me, see that I am a good guy, though he has told me that I am. I look back occasionally to the short video clip I took in Niagara where he tells me about a broken bridge. His voice is so sweet, I remember that day so vividly as hung over as I was, but seeing his face on that clip makes me smile and cry at the same time. So good looking, treating me so nicely - was a special day for me. A fun day that I hadn't had in a long time and wished would continue. For he made me feel special, like a good guy and that I am. I thought he was too...he maybe. I don't know anymore. He tells me he is the same guy, I wonder about that. Why don't you want to enjoy each others company again though. We don't need to fall in the routine we had...but at the least hang out..he says we can, but as Ive said earlier, there are restrictions, this is why Friday nights invite threw me off when I saw it in the morning. He probably didn't remember and when seeing my response the following morning he probably regretted asking me over, hence no response to my emails back. I will post this entry, make my calls and carry on with my day ....
What is up ?
x

I Miss Him...

The end of the week brought on good news about the std scenario - there isn't one which is great. Talking back in for with Frank has been difficult, putting restrictions of when we meet, where we meet etc. Last night after getting in from a birthday drink for a co worker, there was a response to my email earlier in the day, telling him how he is being harsh with with me and I don't appreciate it, that I deserve better and more respect. He went on to say at one point that I left him? I told him that I flipped out when the whole std came up. I think my reaction was a bit much but at the same time, expected from someone like me, who tries so hard to make sure, when I get involved with someone, that they are all good. Frank seemed this way until we had that "condom" talk. He kept saying, "like it or lump it, you left me" - I told him to not say that, that it was not true, that I was enjoying Frank. How I am now a thing of the past, nothing relevant in his life,. When he wrote that I dumped him, I was so upset. I told him to not say that, that it was not true and I wouldn't have, not at that point. There was no reason. I cried at reading those words. I was so upset that I had to get off line. I went to bed. I wanted to escape into dreamland where there is no drama. I woke up all upset remembering last nights chat. I wake up this morning and there were 2 emails from last night from him. One, in response to one of my emails which read, "perhaps but you blew it" - the next one was, "you want to come over to talk about it?" - Why would he invite me over?! Firstly he told me he had plans for last night and the weekend. He was home 9-ish or so, if not earlier, responding to my emails - Then the invite over? He was drinking otherwise he would never have asked me that - I responded to the invite with, "I missed the email, I got off line and went to bed" - Then to follow I wrote, "The next question, would you have opened your door or leave me standing outside?" - That was just sent and probably get a response in the next little bit. But does he kick himself, will he kick himself when he realizes that he invited me over. I was not in a good frame of mind to go and would have blown my cover in regards to not drinking, though I was more high than drunk. If I wasn't so out of it I would have gone over. I could have woken up next to him, I am dying to see his smile, his hands, hear his words. What would've last night consist of? Drinking, talking, crying, laughing - none of that. Me passing out on the sofa, me cuddling next to him, waking up next to him, waking up on the sofa? Why would he do that? Id shave and shower now to go over and talk with him, but can almost guarantee that his invite was wine induced and probably something he would have regretted. I will await his response(s) shortly and see what happens. I'm still terrified as to what is happening with him. He is confusing me and twisting things. I did not leave him. He cut me off once I lost it on him. I need to remind him of that, maybe it was my words, harsh words that makes him think I left him. I did not leave him. For the first time in years I was truly enjoying myself with someone else. As slow as it was going, it was probably the most fun I had had in a long long time and it was refreshing as he was a different kind of person. I know if and when I see him again, should it happen, he will be the same jolly, carefree, goofy character. I told him in our email exchange that there has to be more behind the emails, that he has changed. He wrote and said, he is the same person I met, I am the one who has changed? It is not the facts. I was being cautious and worried, I told him to try and understand that, if only a little bit. I am not a mean person, I'm not a hurtful person. I am a nice person, that I am.
I did not and will never admit to being the one, as its not true, who left him. I miss him.
x

UPDATE: I emailed saying, I am all showered and shaved and bored - If he wanted me to grab coffee and come over and talk - I await - Im sure he is up by now....
UPDATE II: I havent heard back and dont think I will til he gets back from this supposed golf tournament up north. Will he ask me over again tonight to talk? Ill keep you posted.

One Day At A Time...Again

What can I say...I like to keep busy these days as to not come home and think of my ex fella. I do miss him I wont lie! I hate what has happened, I hate the restrictions he has put on our friendship, but I do miss what we had. I think he is bitter towards me and don't know why. I sent a rude photo last night, thanks to the influence of pot lol. But sent it in response to a rude one he sent and I wrote, "Tit for tat again" - He wrote, "yea it looks like a tit" - I sent back, "...but that's not what it is." - thinking it would carry on, even if silly - but nothing back. I expect results over the next day or so....we will see if he contacts me. What happened to coffee sometime this week? Its only Wednesday, but come Friday/Saturday, I will mention that I guess he had no time for coffee with me. I don't see it happening especially after the photo comment I made the other day. When I'm kept busy or entertained, I don't think of him. He is very blase with life itself, with people itself. If I meant anything to him, he would miss me. Regardless of what happened, regardless of what I said in that email rant. I will try again to not send anything. I'm not sure what will happen, will I keep my word? Will he try and keep in touch? Like I said earlier, its not that I lost a shag buddy, but a friend, and that's what bothers me. It is going on to 2 weeks that Ive seen him and miss him tremendously and wish he missed me enough. Every morning I look at the clock and know what time he awakes and hope for a hello email - nothing. When I get home, when it hits around 7-8pm, I hope for a hello email but nothing. I know the next will be for results, but then what happens? Std bonding? Std guilt? I don't know, I hate this position I'm in. Such a handsome, intelligent, sexy man - gone. When we exchange emails, I will get more crude. More in the sense of a FWB, if its all I can get then Ill take it. To be naked next to him, with him will be enough. Or will it, is it just a way to spend time with him. I will let him know that I deserve more respect than he has given me. That the tone of his emails lately is kinda harsh and I deserve more respect. Let him know that I am not a nut job, rather I think it is him. Its funny how there are similarities with last years summer fling, kinda scary. I, again don't know and wont hold my breath for anything when it comes to my ex fella. One day at a time...again.
x

You Have Been Warned!

OK so it turns out, the more I think of it, fella 1 - is a controlling creep. He has laid down the law on our friendship and I wont be apart of that. He can send what he wants, say what he wants, decide whats best for our "friendship" - There is no friendship. The next and last time I will contact him and expect to hear from his, is when he gets his results. I'm hoping he does have something and I'm clean. I will tell him that I hope he has learned and that I wont be convinced until my next test next doctors appt. I have put an add on Craigslist, warning others. I gave no name, and minimal information. I would love it if he saw the ad. Of course I would deny it. But look forward to moving on. He was another summer fling gone wrong. As Ive said in earlier posts, there is something behind this guy and I never found out. At this point I don't even care, but an chanting he has something, he has a positive results. It may be by weeks end I'm hoping on both ends for that matter. I will thank him even if I am negative. I will do what I can to make him feel like shit, though that is hard to do as he is blase about allot, too much. I will mention how has infected at least 2 people. Me and the girlfriend. I will respond to ads in regards to this "disease" spreading bisexual man.
To all - You have been warned!
x

Fella 1...

John Frank Bentley -52
This picture was taken on a day out to Niagara Falls.
He was a cute guy, but confused and selfish! IMO!
I wished to have gotten to know him more, but think
there is something wrong with him, to some point.
I enjoyed my time with him.

Anything Else, Is Up To Him!

I'm telling you something is up and I am done with the last "fella". Things are odd. I told him I had these two tickets for a get away, if we could go as friends, nothing romantic insinuated, a fun guys weekend. If we didn't do anything, he could always use them himself, I have no use for them. Then I went onto to ask if we could get together for drinks, if one of us got looped, we both have couches to crash on. I got back, no weekend get away, no drinking or hanging out ..saying I miss hanging out. He wrote back, that he thought I was off the wagon, no getting looped, we could get together, but not for drinks? Hmm. He said of course I would miss it, he does too. He has been reconnecting with other social networks, having spent the bulk of his time recently with me. That he wasn't into mindless videos(family guy, to which he loved a few weeks back, killing himself laughing?). That what he does with his nights, is no longer a question I can ask, nor would he ask me? I don't know where that came from. I wrote back and said that, in respect to the "drinking" part of the last email, that as a host, I would provide drink. That I have, honestly no booze in the house. That my asking about his nights, was just a means of making conversations since we haven't had a decent one in a week or so. It wasn't a means to pry as he may think. Then he sent on another CD pic. I thought, I'm tired or that shit. Its not what interests me, I went on to write, "please stop with the pics. I like my men more masculine" He wrote back, "OK, no more pics, and no more drinking together. Anyway, gotta go, later guy.", I wrote, OK, later.
So now he wants to put all these limitations on our friendship? Something is weird. People keep saying, though my words were harsh, it cant possibly be that, that has pushed him away from me. He doesn't say anything nice apart from, "I miss is to", when I mention certain things. I'm the one who continues any form of contact, when I constantly say, I wont, but I do! He has ulterior motives behind this distance, but I'm donn trying. I did things with him Ive never done, and it want worth it. He can call on me. All his emails are removed from my in box. Will he get drunk then email me?? I certainly hope so, if only to prove MY point. But I don't have that luck. He doesn't think of me anymore. Why should I.
Anything else, is up to him!
x

Fantasy World...

You know I don't know why Frank doesn't feel the need to contact me? He responded to my request about putting my TV up, he told me "yes i can do that" and I said, when you have time - I'm not going to ask him when, he knows, if he thinks of me then he should come at some point. He mentioned going for coffee before or after work sometime this week. I want it today, I miss him and want to see him. I think one thing I will ask if and when we get together for coffee is, what does he do with his evenings, since for the last 4-5 weeks or more, we have been together about 5 out of 7 days of the week. He told me he is kind of "asexual" since this std scare has come into play. I may get results today, I hope to put my mind sort of at east. As I said before I think I went too early for a test but am seeing my doctor in about 3 months or so and will explain this to her and get tested again. I will pass this info on as well and go from there. I don't think he misses me as I miss him. He may miss me out of habit but probably that's it. The routine used to be, get home, freshen up and on line together yakking and making plans etc. The last week or so - nope. I wont be emailing him this morning or anytime soon, I will have to await any email and respond to him. I am supposed to be weaning myself off of the anti depressant I was prescribed due to issues earlier this year, but have gone back to full dose as I am depressed/sad about this situation. Friends have told me, Frank is no good for me. When Ive explained certain situations, they think he is wrong. Yea I flew off the handle in email, that cant possibly be enough as I was out of my mind. Yes they were harsh words and may have shown a side that is not known even to me, but I guess that demon has scared Frank this way. I don't know why this went as it did but it has. I have to carry on and not think of him though it is easier said than done, when meeting someone like Frank sorta was changing the way I live life. I hope he misses me , I hope he wants to get tight again, but that is all in a fantasy world :(
x

Who Knows...

Well I got a response from Frank...Turns out he thanked me for the email and that he is a caring friend, that it is up to me if I want this or not. I said "OK I will leave any form of friendship in his hands" - He wrote back saying he will try and grab me for coffee sometime this week, before or after work. I said that was fine, but along with the email he attached a photo of himself in CD wear. I asked why the photo and sent on a rude one as well with, "tit for tat" - he said it was for fun, to make me laugh. I told him I wanted to explore that side of him but that never flourished. I then thought, right, I'm going to get rude. What do I have to lose. I asked him if he wanted to come over sometime and get off together, some porn and some of his little fantasy things such as panties etc. He wrote back with an, lol and maybe, but that he was kind of asexual at the moment, at least until we get results. I said, this is why I mentioned getting off, no touching. He wrote that he wasn't doing that either lately. I said, well if you want to sometime, maybe fwb? No response. I sent an email a while later asking if he would still consider putting up the TV on my wall, as I know firstly he can do it properly and then to have him here. I don't know what I want with him. Today is the first time hes mentioned meeting up for a coffee. I wish I could be an asshole and just tell him to fuck right off. Love/like gets in my way and I crumble. I really do want to see him again but don't know how I will be with him, how I will react. He wants a friendship that's fine but I want more and this he knows. I said in my earlier email this morning, I know he has an ego, confidence and how I was finding my own thanks to the way he spoke to me, treated me, but in the end I messed up. Seriously I find it hard to believe that email barrage is the gist of our break up? He could be that intelligent to get insulted at that or not like it as he says he isn't insulted, yet he is careless in his sexual escapade? If and when we should become FWB, even then I will stipulate that we can do it, but should he go elsewhere, apart from the gf, I need to know and I would do the same. What world do I live in? Whats going to happen here?
Who knows....
x

It's All Best This Way...

So this chapter of my fella is over, he is now just my friend. The question is, do I want that? In on email exchange he said, he is fine and he wishes I were to - and that "bed, touch" is a thing of the past. I said it wasn't what I wanted for him and I and that I will get over it, he said, yes you will and I bid him a good night. I plan on no more communication with him, for a few reasons. Firstly, Weeks ago, for fear that I was falling in love with him, I asked that we remained platonic, from then on. For whatever reason, that wasn't good for him. My telling him that I was doing this to protect myself, wasn't good enough and that didn't happen. Now that he is saying no more physical activity, it is now law. I sent him money, which he must have rec'd, although it could happen tomorrow but would imagine he has it already, he mentioned nothing. I know that in my note attached with the money I say I don't want to hear about it, but to just take the money, being the type of person he is, isn't likely. Should his test results come back positive, I will let him know that "whoring and scoring" with multiple people and genders will get you in trouble and that before you bed someone, you should let them know, and that he was irresponsible. I'm hoping mine come back negative and that I just got grazed by the bullet. He has made no attempt at initiating an email exchange, it has always been a response to one of mine and this will come to an end. "Always being horny" as he told me, leads me to believe he will soon be, if he hasn't already, scouring craigslist for more people to meet, so it will happen again. I am sad only because he was different, I knew it wouldn't go far cuz of the girlfriend situation. The STD scenario was pretty much the beginning of the end and this Ive told him. His lack of responsibility when it comes to sexual activity, will lead to many one offs as that's how his lifestyle rolls. I sorta wish him well, I'm sorta glad I met him, I'm miserable at losing him as a partner but in the end its all best this way -
his trust is not that, no trust with jwbenltey !
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Im Worth More....

Well my ex fella never got back to me. I wrote an email telling him how its the 3rd time he has stood me up since we have known each other. How I am done with him. He wrote back at midnight saying he did not stand me up, that he would email me when he got in and he just had. That my email was insulting. Fuck you! I cried myself to sleep again cuz I was looking forward to seeing him and that all fell on deaf ears. I wrote back this morning, saying I don't mean to be insulting, that i just miss him. We will see if he responds to me. Where was he last night, giving STD's to other unknowns?? I know that's harsh, but its where m y mind goes. I said to him, I email you and get no response? That is what is insulting. I wrote him on Tuesday and got no response, that is what is insulting if you are a friend?? I'm not making any effort anymore. If he asks to get together, if he asks to speak, then I will otherwise, like I said in my last email last night, "I'm done" - Ive haven't been this hurt since Jonathon. In a sick and twisted way, I almost hope I have something so I can throw it in his face, and blame him. He has me all wrong, and doesn't understand that I am an emotional person. How hurtful it is to hear that he shagged 2 guys before me, without protection and not letting me know, that's how he rolls. Now we both, potentially, have an STD and I have him to thank. I'm not sure if he will respond to my email this morning, If not in the next hour or so, then he is ignoring me and that's how it will stand. I sent a check to cover part of the costs, he incurred while knowing me, but last night I thought, it wasn't my fault at all, so I stopped payment. He must have received the check and letter by now, I sent it out first thing Wednesday morning, before first pick up, and its been 2/3 days. No mention of it, no nothing. I will not contact him unless he contacts me, a response yes, initiation, no. I'm so sad the last week or so and should realize, if he liked me to any capacity, he would be more chatty with me and he isn't. I'm worth more...
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John Frank Bentley, 52, bisexual, who shags bareback with strangers and a woman isnt worth my time!

Tonight We Will See ?

Well my sincere friendship with my fella seems a waste of time? Why wouldn't I get any emails? No hello, no nothing? I'm going to ask him that when I see him next. I am supposed to email him tonight after work and see what happens. If he hasn't rec'd that cheque yet, it should arrive today. He may want to get together to give it back to me? He may just send it back without a spoken word? To say I am real disappointed is an understatement. I'm hoping we get together tonight, I hope he wants to see me. Saying that my missing him isn't a dumb thing, would mean what? Will we get together and resume a friendship, or to see what will become of this friendship. I believed he was sincere, is he? I'm afraid that if and when I see him, ill be teary eyed just cuz I miss him so. Like I said, from daily email chats and visits to nothing, to being pretty much cut off? I would hope we have a fun time and that he wants to again. I'm hoping its here but doubt it cuz of the parking ticket situation. If he asks me over, then Ill bring over some wine and just that, nothing to spend the night. We may meet in a public place which I would honestly hate, but will have to take what I can get,if only too see what will become of him and I. I doubt it will get any better. I'm hoping when he sees me and if we have a good giggle, that he misses me. Even a few drinks in, if he touches me, will be worth it, but at the same time, that will be mixed messages towards me. On the beach the other day, I asked if I could get closer to him to talk, he hesitated and said, "I'm not sure what you are asking, to sit here, something physical...no." I was hurt at that, but carried on. If its the same situation then tonight, if we get together, will be the end. I can only put in so much energy. I have cried and felt like shit for the last week and am done with it. I will miss him immensely. If after tonight, should it happen, he doesn't email me until he gets or I get results, then I am done with him. Ill ask about doing other things together, I really have nothing left to lose. I will tell him that I'm OK with a FWB if only to touch him and be with him as I'm in lust with him for sure. Ill have to wait and see, all these possibilities and I'm sure something totally different will occur as that's my luck...Lets wait and see and what becomes of the end of the week, after this break? He said, before the whole scandal earlier this week, that he would take a break, is this what he meant? Tonight we will see...
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I Miss Him So....

Yesterday while re-reading and deleting emails from my friend, I saw mention of money he had put into our "friendship", I sent him a cheque for $350 about half of the expenses acquired while hanging out. I attached a note and said that I have enough guilt with what Ive done, that I don't need financial guilt. That it isn't a means to keep communications, just taking my responsibilities and that my mom raised me properly. I mentioned how due to both our irresponsibility's that these expenses were incurred. Yesterday I asked a gal pal to get together as I didn't want to go home, spent the evening there and came back 9-ish or so. As soon as I head out of the subway, blahness takes over, knowing that he hasn't thought of me to get back to my email from Tuesday. I got in a smoked a spliff and grabbed a drink. I couldn't hold back anymore. Why hadn't he responded to my good morning email? What kind of friend? He must know I'm sad as his last email mentioned, me leaving the beach all sad, so he knows. Anyway, I went for it and took a chance. I wrote to him and said, "I guess there is a minimal friendship between us?" - He wrote back that we "have a sincere friendship, buddy" - I hated the word buddy. It tells what he feels for me to a point. I wrote back and said, "can we hang out sometime, i know its dumb but I miss you" - He wrote, "its not dumb, and sure we can hang out" - I wrote back, "Friday?". He said, "maybe, when are you thinking and where?" I wrote, "Whatever works for you, I get home around 5:45pm", and that, "I'm easy that way, whatever makes you comfortable, I'm simple that way." - I received, "OK lets see where we are at on Friday aft". I said, "ill email you after work?" - he wrote, "OK" and I responded with, "OK" and communication ended for the night.
He is being picky and careful on the where and when. Its not confirmed yet at all, but I just want to see him. I am good at not touching, kissing etc, as I had been the last few weeks together. I had told him that, that I don't make the first move. If it is a Friday night, I'm sure he will have a drink or 2 and see what happens then. What I would do to feel his lips on mine again, his hands on me. Make him see that I am a nice, cool guy who cares for him. Why cant he see I had a drunken, mental breakdown, with messed up consequences, and I mean this STD scare. I'm hoping to get results today sometime, but I'm also thinking he may get that cheque today and will it mess things up? I was sincere in that note so hopefully its not taken the wrong way and that tomorrow happens. I will mention that I chose Friday only due to us not having to watch the clock. When I'm enjoying myself, I hate to think, "I need to get to bed" - I wonder when he said, "It doesn't sound dumb", that I miss him, hoping, does he misses me? I don't know. What I will do, as a joke and maybe to break the ice, seeing that it falls through, I will say, "Can I at least get a hand shake greeting?" hoping he giggles, regardless of where we are, his place, my place or out. I'm still terrified to see what happens, how reacts to me, how he acts to me and how he speaks to me. I want to hang out like before. If its not in a "seeing each other" manner, hopefully he will be comfortable again with me, enjoy my company enough to hang a bit more. I'm all over the place with him, but I miss him so.
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Friends?

Well nothing this morning from that guy. He said in one of his last emails, he is willing to me one of my friends who respects me and understands me. Obviously he knows, when I left him on Monday at the beach I was sad, this too he wrote in one of his last emails. I only sent on a simple one yesterday morning, as a "friend" - "good morning, work today"? - A friend I think would have responded, if only with a "yes" - short and curt, but nothing. He knows I am upset, is hes response, or lack there of him trying to make a point? I doubt he didn't have 3 minutes in his day to send on a short response. Will he be my friend, is this just some time apart. Earlier before I spewed what I did he mentioned taking a break of a week or so. I know sometime this week I should get my results in regards to the STD incident. Do I email him then? Do I await his results then send on mine. I can tell him I don't want to bother him and would just respond when he lets me know. I did send on one email before my final, asking that he at least let me know his results so I can have peace of mind, to that no response, but am sure he will do so. I am still upset at the whole situation and wish he could forgive me, at least forget that. I know he forgives me, that he has told me, but I asked him not to shut me out and it seems that's what is doing, thus far at least...so, friends??
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Fuck!

I'm going to admit that today, I had 0 fun. Cracking a smile was tough. I keep thinking of what I have done? Why would I? I lost not the man of my dreams, but rather an awesome guy, in a special way. Even if I was to know, I was the one guy in his life, it should be good, no? Maybe he wasn't as affectionate but he had his moments and they were special. He tells me that he will be my friend. That he is a bi guy with a girlfriend. That's how he explains, simple. This whole STD thing at the same time, is on my mind. This Ive told him. I'm sure it is on his mind as well. I think back to comments he made to me on the beach, re read parts of the last he email he sent. I think of him, his eyes and smile along with other things, silly things. He had real nice hands and feet. A cute physique and just sexy without even knowing it. He mentions at one point in his last email, "a pierced and tattooed, body issues etc, and him, an intelligent fun and hot bodied...may not have worked. He meant none of it negatively, that's an issue of mine, regardless. But with him I went the mile, started to at least. Those who know me, know I wont get on a bike in this city...When he asked me, I thought, go for it, its different, you've never done this and I pushed myself, to and from our destination - when would I do that?? I did it cuz I wanted to spend the day with him and I did, it was nice. The next time, he will contact me, will be with results of his STD crap. I haven't heard from him today, and I know he would have read my email, but nothing. I will stop myself from sending further emails until I hear back. I think he is firm on his word, and wont miss me, doesn't miss me. I could be totally wrong. It is something he cant understand on how I, "went there" in my emails that is. I don't either honestly. But I fucked it up royally. I can hope on friendship, a fun, cool one, like we had before all this? I doubt it though. I think he was liking me, why would we spend that time together, nights together. God! I am so mad at myself! Fuck!

Fool That I Am...

This is deja vu. Emotions and booze bad combo and has its consequences. Sunday night I let loose venom I didnt know I had in me, towards my fella. The words I sent on were too horrible for me to repeat. I had no recollection of what I said until I went and re read what I had sent on. My fella was shocked to say the least and is no longer, "my fella" - Having cried myself to sleep and crying upon waking up made me feel like utter shit. At one point it was pretty much done, as in the "seeing each other" - Friends I think is possible, anything more nope. He cant accept what, in me, allowed me to send on such hateful, or, shitmail as he dubbed it. Eventually he had to go run his errands and communications stopped. I was horrified at myself, mad at myself. I had sent on final email with "Last words" in the subject line. I was antsy in my apt, I couldnt sit still, or stop thinking of him, losing him and what stupidity I did. I thought at one point I will never see him again unless I do something. Seeing it was a beautiful day, I assumed he may have gone to the island. I thought it may/could be my only chance, and is he there? Would he be going there. My plan was to cab down to the ferry docks, ferry on over and rent a bike in hopes of find his spot on the island. So off I went. Bike rented and off I went. I found the spot, I saw him and he saw me...I got off my bike and went on over to him, and said, hello. We sat on the beach for about an hour before anything was said about the situation I created. It was made clear he cant be involved with someone who could say such things to someone I liked. I understood what he meant. I tried to explain what was going on in my mind. The thoughts racing - the girlfriend, the unprotected sex with a few men, the potential STD scare. Although he understands that, regardless, the words I put in email where awful, hateful words. He said one could write those words but not to send those words. I didnt do that. Hence I ruined a good "relationship". He says he will be my friend, but Im sure he wants a few days without me around. Im saddened at that and am mad at myself. He was a good man, an attractive, stable and fun guy. So why did I do what I did? On Sunday morning, I told him that I think our time together was coming to an end, little did I know what I would cause myself. I sent a good morning email and I know he is usually up by 6, if he has work, so I just said, "good morning, work today?" - and havent heard back. I wont bother emailing unless he writes back. I know it would have to come to an end with the gf in the picture. The thing is, he, like me, isnt slutty and doesnt hook up, for that I was greatful and thought, "this is different, he is different" - I lost out - Fool that I am...:(
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Here We Go Again....Shit

Sunday Sunday. Last night my fella invited me over, and off I went. I was a bit tipsy having had a few drinks here on my own last night while watching some TV. So I cabbed it. Was fun being with him. Talking about his day...Somehow we went to the STD scare. That brought on a bunch of questions on my part, with some revealing answers. Now you have to understand, this guy, is way too intelligent for me. He knows way too much, if I can say that? Anyway, eventually, after an evening gone wrong, in my mind. Off to bed I went. He went on to make a bite to eat, I initially got out of bed and sat on the sofa, then thought to get back to bed. Eventually he joined me. He wrapped himself around me. I told him not to touch me, and I had to remove his hands around me, with my own, I had to shrug his leg off mine. I hated doing it, but I had to. In the middle of the night I woke up, wrapped around his chest, head resting on it. I kissed his chest, then his cheek, and rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. I couldn't so I snuck out of the bedroom for a fag and snuck back into bed, far as I could away from him, as much as I hated it. I awoke at about 5:45am and decided to grab my shorts and shirt, got dressed and fell on the sofa. I lay there for about 2 and half hours. He got up at one point to use the washroom, and on his walk back to the room, he brushed my hair. Any thought as to why I was on the sofa? I don't think that crossed his mind. Eventually when he woke up, I sat up and he said, "good morning grumpy", I laughed and said I'm not grumpy. When we started to chat I told that I just wasn't happy. That I think our time together is coming to an end, as much as I don't want it to. He seemed kind of shocked it seemed. At one point I said, "let's not go there(as to why I'm grumpy). He said, "you say you re not happy and don't want to talk about it....". That was a mistake I made, wrong choice of words. I told him how he was the greatest guy Ive met in a while. In looks, mentality, humour, hell even smoking and drinking. But I said to him, I want a romance with you, I want you all for me. How if I could only see him for 5 minutes everyday, I'd take it. He was saying to maybe take a break. A week? I told him I want to get more physical with him. Allot of the time he just listened. Speaking very calmly he said, "...I don't need this conversation on a weekly basis, we are too old for that." - To this I agreed whole hearted. I stared at him, at his hands....He smoked and drank, as did I. I said at one point, "uncomfortable lull", to which he said, "not uncomfortable for me..." -
I don't know what to think to a certain point. I have no doubt that he hasn't met other guys since we got together. He has this potential STD, possibly passed on to me. We spoke of that as well last night. Since we usually really "talk" when we have had a few vino's and stoli's, I think allot of what was spoken, he forgets. I shed the odd tear today which I hate. Why cant I be stronger. At one point I rubbed his arm and said, "I like you allot" to which he grinned. There was not, "I like you back" or anything. Not being cold at all, he is very comforting in his manners and words. He tells me I'm a funny guy, a fun guy...once a drink or two has been had. That I'm realizing. He said he would drive me home and I told him he didn't have to, though I really wanted him too(ha ha). We spoke quietly on the drive home. He was going to the island upon his return home. I told him to have a good day, and kissed him good bye. I have to be strong and NOT email him. He will probably email me when he gets home, I'm pretty sure of that, but where does it go? Will he eventually have a drink or 2 and tell he he likes me etc....then not remember in the morning, when I do? I cant say anything about waking up with him, kissing him, liking him or initiate a get together. That I have to leave to him and see why at the same time. Does he miss me? Enough to ask me over or invite himself?
I'm confused again -
Here we go again...Shit.
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Tick Tock Tick Tock....

The last few days have been interesting with my fella. A bit of a health scare, and awaiting results on his end. He asked to come over 2 nights ago to talk about the health scare. It led to the following day, me, holding back tears and in dire need of a drink from the moment I awoke, or had to face people. Trust me when I say, I accomplished my mission of drinking myself silly to forget any potential dramas. Felt like crap the next day, but it was needed. Last night my fella told me I could go there for the evening, but I responded with, maybe a nice quiet in, for the both of us is needed. He eventually bid me a "night night", which I picked up at 3am after passing out on the sofa.
This morning, Ive yet to hear from him, but believe in the next little bit I will. I sent him an email this morning, telling him how I wished he was next to me this morning. I do miss it. Although our sex life isn't in full swing, I like the pace its going at, but when he isn't in my bed I feel I miss him so. Ive turned down plans with others, in hopes of us getting together, doesn't always work, but usually he is up to hanging out with me. I jokingly asked him if today, he was up to throwing a TV up on a wall? lol. He said one day he would put my flat screen on the wall, so I threw it out there and I'm only kidding. Its a way to lure him here. We've mentioned getting together for a swim in the building in the past, and I don't think he has even seen the pool ha ha. He just emailed me with info about the clinic and told me he is off to the island for a few hours and that we would talk later. I just wrote back, OK. Maybe spending the day together is out, possibly this evening, I don't know. I was sorta hoping, if anything, to be asked, but no. I feel more for him than he does me, this I know. No response to my comments in the earlier email. Oh well, this boy can try and see, it doesn't always work out.
I will take this day a it comes and see what happens as the hours pass. I have no plans so I will play it by ear. I'm sure I will be back later on this weekend for sure. Tick tock, Tick tock...
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Slow & Steady ...

Well I'm learning that drinking and emotions are not a good combination -
After Saturday nights walk out it lead into a barrage of emails and tears and regret on my end. Yesterday morning I awaited to see if I would hear from my fella. I did. In short he told me to grow up and stop judging. I didn't realize or notice my judging. I think due to my past relationships with liars and cheaters I'm conditioned to think that all guys are after the same and will do the same as my ex boyfriends have, they're not. I asked to go for coffee, en route to my parents place. He asked when I was headed down there and that I could swing by his place to talk. When I knocked on the door I could feel tears welling up. I held strong, he opened the door, smiled and said hi. At the top of the stairs he kissed me hello and in we went. It was an odd start, mainly cuz I was embarrassed but thought I had to hold strong and talk this out. I told him how I was falling in love with him, how he is so nice to me but don't think its the same on both end. He said to me, I may not show it in the ways I'm accustomed to, but things like going to the island, Niagara, coming to my place to see me etc. I said, "I guess I didn't look at it that way" - I asked to know what we are? I don't know and that's the confusion. He told me how he has not met anyone since me, how he isn't looking for anything now, for the time being since meeting me. That made me feel nice. Telling me that we are seeing each other, getting to know each other, in short he said, "We are dating" - whatever dating is. At out age, dating seems an odd word. I told him that it sounds very 16yr old, he agreed. The talk went well, I felt better and I got set to go to my parents. Asking me what time Id get in I told him about 7 or so. I was exhausted from the nights drama. He said maybe we would get together. I leave my parents place around 6:30 to go home. As I head on over to the subway to get to my last stop, I get an email asking to go over for pizza. So I detoured over to his place. The first thing he did was produce some deodorant. Earlier in the day when we spoke of possibly seeing each other later on in the day I had asked to go to my place due to my unhealthy addiction to deodorant lol. Anyways in we went, kissed me hello a few times. Spoke of our days and such. At one point he wanted me to hear a CD and I was cool with it. It was a Hawaiian band called, Hapa I believe. It was actually quiet beautiful. A few songs in, he grabbed my hand, holding it tight. It felt so nice, he was enjoying the words to it and told me to listen. I noticed at one point, he had a few tears running down his face. I asked what was wrong? What was he thinking of? He looked at me and said he was just thinking of me. It was a sweet moment and again he made me feel special. We played that song a few times just to hear the words. Eventually off to bed we went. Waking up next to him this morning again and as always was so nice to lay there on his chest and slowly wake up together, cuddled up together. I noticed on the night table, some baby oil, massage oil and lube. My mind starts to go...and I stopped myself. We had some coffee, talked about art and a few other things and then home. He drove me and kissed me good bye and that we would talk soon.
At this point I need to sit back and not jump to conclusions, this is one of my problems. Yea I have trust issues. I need to trust him. He is good to me in many ways and gives me no reason to think otherwise. Again, I think due to my history with guys who lie and cheat, I have a certain mistrust built into me. I need to keep living my life as I would normally do, whatever that may entail. I cant be a drama queen and make my life miserable. I told a friend of mine yesterday, if I received the emails I had sent onto my fella, I would have told them to fuck off . I think I should be lucky to have a person like him around. I forget that at this age, everyone has a past, as do I, I don't realise that what I hate hearing, I speak of as well, so why do I get upset? His "relationship" with his gal pal bothers me I wont lie, but it seems he spends more time with me(she lives out of the city) over the last month or so than anyone else. Chances are I may see him again today? So I cant get ahead of myself. Slow and steady -
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Im The Fool...Again -

As I write this I am heartbroken. Yesterday I spent a wonderful day with my fella - That I think is the last. After a great day together, doing things I would never do, it turns out, Im nothing too special to him. I asked about the last time he was with a woman, he told me 5 weeks ago, asking the last time he was with a man, I was told last night, as he was with me. I asked, before me and although weve fooled around, it was just that, fooling around with no climax if you know what Im saying...his response to a man before me, was early june or july, so before me, and since meeting me, its only been me which was nice to hear. After a long full and different day together, we went back to his place. The intention was to stay there the night, BUT, I started asking questions again. In the end it seems that there couldnt be any comittment to me. I had to leave. I invested a short period of time but whole heartedly invested. I told him a few weeks back that I have feelings for him, I do. He claims to have no regrets as he was having fun with me in a good way. But I cant have that, just be someone to have fun with. He keeps going back to my ad on craigslist, how we met. Never did I say I wanted a "buddy", never did I say I want someone just to fool around with, a fuckbuddy. I think I am and was, just that. I couldnt stay there anymore and took a cab home, holding back tears til I got back into my apt. Then a barrage of emails and phone calls. He only says nice things when he has had a few drinks. I told him to go to AA cuz he only said nice things again, when under the influence. At one point yesterday, on the island, completely alone on the stretch of beach we were on, I asked and said, "I want to kiss you" - that fell on deaf ears and didnt happen. I think that is when things were going to change, I knew things had to change. I told him many times over the last few weeks, I was having feelings for him. I regret the first time I spent in his bed as that is the bed he shared with his gal pal, a few weeks back, 5 apparently according to him. I said some vile things last night and dont regret them as Im sure he wont remember them. I told him he was worthless to me and that he was a waste of my time. He says he enjoyed every moment with me and will treasure them, though I dont know why. We had this conversation the other day and he went on about being good looking, and he is I will give him that. But does knowing it allow you to play the way you did with me? Im a genuine guy with feelings and I dont think it really mattered, only on a selfish side of my fella. I was there to have fun with and hang out with, and nothing more. I was a body to sleep next to, sit next to and only when you wanted affection did it happen? I am so saddened by this but am happy that I ended it before I got deeply involved if I havent already. I will miss him and dont know if he will contact me again, but I guess this is how the cards fell. I wouldnt be as upset as I am if I didnt feel what I feel for this guy. Theres nothing I can do, to make him understand that I want someone just for me, all for me and he cant provide that apparently, so I need to cut the cord. Im the fool...again!
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I Hope It Goes Well...

So last night I misunderstood an email from my fella....I read, "You want me to come over and watch a movie", to which I replied, "yea that would be nice"...
The email actually read, "You want to come over and watch a movie?" -
So I said yes, so I couldn't back out. I was a bit nervous, I'm used to being on my turf, so this was something new. Anyways I get there, pretty easy to find and all. He was outside doing the "gardening" for the neighbours when I arrived. I waited for him to finish up and in we went. A nice space he has. Being the handy man he is, its a nice set up. He ordered in pizza for us which was nice. We sat across the coffee table eating pizza, chatting and drinking some vino. After dinner was done and he sat across the coffee table again, I told him to join me on the sofa. So next to me he sat. He leaned over bringing his head/neck to my face, and I kissed him and put his hands on my leg. I love when he touches me. Just to have his hands on me is so nice. We chatted, smoked up, laughed and drank the evening away. Was so nice, I'm so comfortable with him and him with me. Eventually to bed we went and morning came as always, too early. He was working today, I'm off. Waking up with him is awesome. I love laying next to him, his body against mine as we awake. Eventually outta bed we went, and onto the sofa and some good morning and well needed coffee was served. A good morning chat as well followed. Hes a good man I wonder why hes hanging out with me, and where this is going. He makes comments like I'm an intelligent guy, I'm a good guy and so forth. Its nice to hear and a welcomed change. He too is very intelligent and it shows in his conversation. I love holding onto him in the morning hours. Slowly waking up together and what not. He offered eventually offered to drive me home which worked out well as I hate transit at the best of times. He drove me to the intersection of my area and I wasn't sure how to say good bye in the car. Its one thing at the door to kiss me good bye but in the car, on the main road...I don't know the etiquette, but a kiss good by and see you later was done and off I went. I trolled down the drag home with a smile on my face. Where is this heading? I'm confused and scared, more from an emotional standpoint as I feel I am going to fall for this one. He remembers we met back in July so I think he thinks of me and pays attn to me?? I don't know. He said today he would hopefully get off work at about 3 or so. So my day consists of cleaning and what not and I guess see if we are getting together later on. I love this, seeing each other 3+ times a week because when 2 or 3 days pass without seeing him I start to miss him. I can still smell him on me and don't even want to shower his scent away, but I'm a clean guy lol. Anyways we will see how this day and weekend progresses. I'm hoping to spend another night with him which I'm sure I will and cant wait. If anything to lay in bed with him next to me. The best feeling and he likes it to, waking up next to me that is. I'm enjoying this too much I think and wonder where he stands. I cant wait to see him again and see what happens. Hes a good guy and I'm thrilled Ive met him and hope it goes well....
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Wait and Hope..

Wow - Last night my fella came by. We were supposed to to dinner and I think he forgot, so of course just as I start to make myself a bite to eat, I get an email. Regardless, I carry on making dinner. He asked what I was making and I told him. He said he would just order a pizza. I asked if he meant here and he said, why not - that never happened. Regardless we were chatting for a bit and then asked if he wanted to come for a drink. He asked if there was wine there, I told him I picked up and he was shocked? I said I drink it when you bring it, I'm no mooch. He popped on over and we grabbed a seat on the balcony and chatted the night away and laughed. He made comments about us, none that I remember, he made some comment of me being *** attractive. I don't remember the word, but it was a compliment. I made some dumb comment on how I, next to him am an idiot. He snapped and said, don't ever say that about yourself, your are not an idiot. I said, ok ok...At one point he pulled out the remnants of a spliff he smoked with a friend the day before. Now let me backtrack for a moment. On my way home last night a friend of mine was reading my horoscope. It said something to the effect of, "....you will entertain on a balcony or terrace and your guest will bring a gift you will really enjoy.." - So when he pulled out the spliff, I recalled the horoscope and had to read it out to him - It was too funny when that happened, as it was written...We smoked it and giggled and laughed more. He was, at one point talking about us, but I sort of dodged the subject, I'm worried. I'm still not sure what he wants. He did tell me that on Sunday when he was here and he was leaving, he took his glass home and how that made me sad thinking, I will never see him again?? I have to stop being that way with people in general. With him. He says he likes my company and likes me so I should just take it for what its worth and as Ive said, ride the wave. I don't think he has met others. Going to be bed was passionate and he enjoyed himself which in turn made me enjoy myself. Waking up this morning with him was great as well. I sent an email later on in the day, saying that waking up with him was a great feeling and how when he is around there isn't a problem in the world and its true. Its sorta that crush phase for me - His plan for tomorrow is to work a half day and go to the island. Ive told him I have the day off so I will see if he extends an invitation? Tonight I'm not sure. Honestly I would love a quiet nite. Smoke my spliff and float the evening away. But anything can happen. Lets see and wait and hope -
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