Slow & Steady ...

Well I'm learning that drinking and emotions are not a good combination -
After Saturday nights walk out it lead into a barrage of emails and tears and regret on my end. Yesterday morning I awaited to see if I would hear from my fella. I did. In short he told me to grow up and stop judging. I didn't realize or notice my judging. I think due to my past relationships with liars and cheaters I'm conditioned to think that all guys are after the same and will do the same as my ex boyfriends have, they're not. I asked to go for coffee, en route to my parents place. He asked when I was headed down there and that I could swing by his place to talk. When I knocked on the door I could feel tears welling up. I held strong, he opened the door, smiled and said hi. At the top of the stairs he kissed me hello and in we went. It was an odd start, mainly cuz I was embarrassed but thought I had to hold strong and talk this out. I told him how I was falling in love with him, how he is so nice to me but don't think its the same on both end. He said to me, I may not show it in the ways I'm accustomed to, but things like going to the island, Niagara, coming to my place to see me etc. I said, "I guess I didn't look at it that way" - I asked to know what we are? I don't know and that's the confusion. He told me how he has not met anyone since me, how he isn't looking for anything now, for the time being since meeting me. That made me feel nice. Telling me that we are seeing each other, getting to know each other, in short he said, "We are dating" - whatever dating is. At out age, dating seems an odd word. I told him that it sounds very 16yr old, he agreed. The talk went well, I felt better and I got set to go to my parents. Asking me what time Id get in I told him about 7 or so. I was exhausted from the nights drama. He said maybe we would get together. I leave my parents place around 6:30 to go home. As I head on over to the subway to get to my last stop, I get an email asking to go over for pizza. So I detoured over to his place. The first thing he did was produce some deodorant. Earlier in the day when we spoke of possibly seeing each other later on in the day I had asked to go to my place due to my unhealthy addiction to deodorant lol. Anyways in we went, kissed me hello a few times. Spoke of our days and such. At one point he wanted me to hear a CD and I was cool with it. It was a Hawaiian band called, Hapa I believe. It was actually quiet beautiful. A few songs in, he grabbed my hand, holding it tight. It felt so nice, he was enjoying the words to it and told me to listen. I noticed at one point, he had a few tears running down his face. I asked what was wrong? What was he thinking of? He looked at me and said he was just thinking of me. It was a sweet moment and again he made me feel special. We played that song a few times just to hear the words. Eventually off to bed we went. Waking up next to him this morning again and as always was so nice to lay there on his chest and slowly wake up together, cuddled up together. I noticed on the night table, some baby oil, massage oil and lube. My mind starts to go...and I stopped myself. We had some coffee, talked about art and a few other things and then home. He drove me and kissed me good bye and that we would talk soon.
At this point I need to sit back and not jump to conclusions, this is one of my problems. Yea I have trust issues. I need to trust him. He is good to me in many ways and gives me no reason to think otherwise. Again, I think due to my history with guys who lie and cheat, I have a certain mistrust built into me. I need to keep living my life as I would normally do, whatever that may entail. I cant be a drama queen and make my life miserable. I told a friend of mine yesterday, if I received the emails I had sent onto my fella, I would have told them to fuck off . I think I should be lucky to have a person like him around. I forget that at this age, everyone has a past, as do I, I don't realise that what I hate hearing, I speak of as well, so why do I get upset? His "relationship" with his gal pal bothers me I wont lie, but it seems he spends more time with me(she lives out of the city) over the last month or so than anyone else. Chances are I may see him again today? So I cant get ahead of myself. Slow and steady -
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