Yesterday while re-reading and deleting emails from my friend, I saw mention of money he had put into our "friendship", I sent him a cheque for $350 about half of the expenses acquired while hanging out. I attached a note and said that I have enough guilt with what Ive done, that I don't need financial guilt. That it isn't a means to keep communications, just taking my responsibilities and that my mom raised me properly. I mentioned how due to both our irresponsibility's that these expenses were incurred. Yesterday I asked a gal pal to get together as I didn't want to go home, spent the evening there and came back 9-ish or so. As soon as I head out of the subway, blahness takes over, knowing that he hasn't thought of me to get back to my email from Tuesday. I got in a smoked a spliff and grabbed a drink. I couldn't hold back anymore. Why hadn't he responded to my good morning email? What kind of friend? He must know I'm sad as his last email mentioned, me leaving the beach all sad, so he knows. Anyway, I went for it and took a chance. I wrote to him and said, "I guess there is a minimal friendship between us?" - He wrote back that we "have a sincere friendship, buddy" - I hated the word buddy. It tells what he feels for me to a point. I wrote back and said, "can we hang out sometime, i know its dumb but I miss you" - He wrote, "its not dumb, and sure we can hang out" - I wrote back, "Friday?". He said, "maybe, when are you thinking and where?" I wrote, "Whatever works for you, I get home around 5:45pm", and that, "I'm easy that way, whatever makes you comfortable, I'm simple that way." - I received, "OK lets see where we are at on Friday aft". I said, "ill email you after work?" - he wrote, "OK" and I responded with, "OK" and communication ended for the night.
He is being picky and careful on the where and when. Its not confirmed yet at all, but I just want to see him. I am good at not touching, kissing etc, as I had been the last few weeks together. I had told him that, that I don't make the first move. If it is a Friday night, I'm sure he will have a drink or 2 and see what happens then. What I would do to feel his lips on mine again, his hands on me. Make him see that I am a nice, cool guy who cares for him. Why cant he see I had a drunken, mental breakdown, with messed up consequences, and I mean this STD scare. I'm hoping to get results today sometime, but I'm also thinking he may get that cheque today and will it mess things up? I was sincere in that note so hopefully its not taken the wrong way and that tomorrow happens. I will mention that I chose Friday only due to us not having to watch the clock. When I'm enjoying myself, I hate to think, "I need to get to bed" - I wonder when he said, "It doesn't sound dumb", that I miss him, hoping, does he misses me? I don't know. What I will do, as a joke and maybe to break the ice, seeing that it falls through, I will say, "Can I at least get a hand shake greeting?" hoping he giggles, regardless of where we are, his place, my place or out. I'm still terrified to see what happens, how reacts to me, how he acts to me and how he speaks to me. I want to hang out like before. If its not in a "seeing each other" manner, hopefully he will be comfortable again with me, enjoy my company enough to hang a bit more. I'm all over the place with him, but I miss him so.
x
No comments:
Post a Comment