Here We Go Again....Shit

Sunday Sunday. Last night my fella invited me over, and off I went. I was a bit tipsy having had a few drinks here on my own last night while watching some TV. So I cabbed it. Was fun being with him. Talking about his day...Somehow we went to the STD scare. That brought on a bunch of questions on my part, with some revealing answers. Now you have to understand, this guy, is way too intelligent for me. He knows way too much, if I can say that? Anyway, eventually, after an evening gone wrong, in my mind. Off to bed I went. He went on to make a bite to eat, I initially got out of bed and sat on the sofa, then thought to get back to bed. Eventually he joined me. He wrapped himself around me. I told him not to touch me, and I had to remove his hands around me, with my own, I had to shrug his leg off mine. I hated doing it, but I had to. In the middle of the night I woke up, wrapped around his chest, head resting on it. I kissed his chest, then his cheek, and rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. I couldn't so I snuck out of the bedroom for a fag and snuck back into bed, far as I could away from him, as much as I hated it. I awoke at about 5:45am and decided to grab my shorts and shirt, got dressed and fell on the sofa. I lay there for about 2 and half hours. He got up at one point to use the washroom, and on his walk back to the room, he brushed my hair. Any thought as to why I was on the sofa? I don't think that crossed his mind. Eventually when he woke up, I sat up and he said, "good morning grumpy", I laughed and said I'm not grumpy. When we started to chat I told that I just wasn't happy. That I think our time together is coming to an end, as much as I don't want it to. He seemed kind of shocked it seemed. At one point I said, "let's not go there(as to why I'm grumpy). He said, "you say you re not happy and don't want to talk about it....". That was a mistake I made, wrong choice of words. I told him how he was the greatest guy Ive met in a while. In looks, mentality, humour, hell even smoking and drinking. But I said to him, I want a romance with you, I want you all for me. How if I could only see him for 5 minutes everyday, I'd take it. He was saying to maybe take a break. A week? I told him I want to get more physical with him. Allot of the time he just listened. Speaking very calmly he said, "...I don't need this conversation on a weekly basis, we are too old for that." - To this I agreed whole hearted. I stared at him, at his hands....He smoked and drank, as did I. I said at one point, "uncomfortable lull", to which he said, "not uncomfortable for me..." -
I don't know what to think to a certain point. I have no doubt that he hasn't met other guys since we got together. He has this potential STD, possibly passed on to me. We spoke of that as well last night. Since we usually really "talk" when we have had a few vino's and stoli's, I think allot of what was spoken, he forgets. I shed the odd tear today which I hate. Why cant I be stronger. At one point I rubbed his arm and said, "I like you allot" to which he grinned. There was not, "I like you back" or anything. Not being cold at all, he is very comforting in his manners and words. He tells me I'm a funny guy, a fun guy...once a drink or two has been had. That I'm realizing. He said he would drive me home and I told him he didn't have to, though I really wanted him too(ha ha). We spoke quietly on the drive home. He was going to the island upon his return home. I told him to have a good day, and kissed him good bye. I have to be strong and NOT email him. He will probably email me when he gets home, I'm pretty sure of that, but where does it go? Will he eventually have a drink or 2 and tell he he likes me etc....then not remember in the morning, when I do? I cant say anything about waking up with him, kissing him, liking him or initiate a get together. That I have to leave to him and see why at the same time. Does he miss me? Enough to ask me over or invite himself?
I'm confused again -
Here we go again...Shit.
x