Fuck!

I'm going to admit that today, I had 0 fun. Cracking a smile was tough. I keep thinking of what I have done? Why would I? I lost not the man of my dreams, but rather an awesome guy, in a special way. Even if I was to know, I was the one guy in his life, it should be good, no? Maybe he wasn't as affectionate but he had his moments and they were special. He tells me that he will be my friend. That he is a bi guy with a girlfriend. That's how he explains, simple. This whole STD thing at the same time, is on my mind. This Ive told him. I'm sure it is on his mind as well. I think back to comments he made to me on the beach, re read parts of the last he email he sent. I think of him, his eyes and smile along with other things, silly things. He had real nice hands and feet. A cute physique and just sexy without even knowing it. He mentions at one point in his last email, "a pierced and tattooed, body issues etc, and him, an intelligent fun and hot bodied...may not have worked. He meant none of it negatively, that's an issue of mine, regardless. But with him I went the mile, started to at least. Those who know me, know I wont get on a bike in this city...When he asked me, I thought, go for it, its different, you've never done this and I pushed myself, to and from our destination - when would I do that?? I did it cuz I wanted to spend the day with him and I did, it was nice. The next time, he will contact me, will be with results of his STD crap. I haven't heard from him today, and I know he would have read my email, but nothing. I will stop myself from sending further emails until I hear back. I think he is firm on his word, and wont miss me, doesn't miss me. I could be totally wrong. It is something he cant understand on how I, "went there" in my emails that is. I don't either honestly. But I fucked it up royally. I can hope on friendship, a fun, cool one, like we had before all this? I doubt it though. I think he was liking me, why would we spend that time together, nights together. God! I am so mad at myself! Fuck!