Im The Fool...Again -

As I write this I am heartbroken. Yesterday I spent a wonderful day with my fella - That I think is the last. After a great day together, doing things I would never do, it turns out, Im nothing too special to him. I asked about the last time he was with a woman, he told me 5 weeks ago, asking the last time he was with a man, I was told last night, as he was with me. I asked, before me and although weve fooled around, it was just that, fooling around with no climax if you know what Im saying...his response to a man before me, was early june or july, so before me, and since meeting me, its only been me which was nice to hear. After a long full and different day together, we went back to his place. The intention was to stay there the night, BUT, I started asking questions again. In the end it seems that there couldnt be any comittment to me. I had to leave. I invested a short period of time but whole heartedly invested. I told him a few weeks back that I have feelings for him, I do. He claims to have no regrets as he was having fun with me in a good way. But I cant have that, just be someone to have fun with. He keeps going back to my ad on craigslist, how we met. Never did I say I wanted a "buddy", never did I say I want someone just to fool around with, a fuckbuddy. I think I am and was, just that. I couldnt stay there anymore and took a cab home, holding back tears til I got back into my apt. Then a barrage of emails and phone calls. He only says nice things when he has had a few drinks. I told him to go to AA cuz he only said nice things again, when under the influence. At one point yesterday, on the island, completely alone on the stretch of beach we were on, I asked and said, "I want to kiss you" - that fell on deaf ears and didnt happen. I think that is when things were going to change, I knew things had to change. I told him many times over the last few weeks, I was having feelings for him. I regret the first time I spent in his bed as that is the bed he shared with his gal pal, a few weeks back, 5 apparently according to him. I said some vile things last night and dont regret them as Im sure he wont remember them. I told him he was worthless to me and that he was a waste of my time. He says he enjoyed every moment with me and will treasure them, though I dont know why. We had this conversation the other day and he went on about being good looking, and he is I will give him that. But does knowing it allow you to play the way you did with me? Im a genuine guy with feelings and I dont think it really mattered, only on a selfish side of my fella. I was there to have fun with and hang out with, and nothing more. I was a body to sleep next to, sit next to and only when you wanted affection did it happen? I am so saddened by this but am happy that I ended it before I got deeply involved if I havent already. I will miss him and dont know if he will contact me again, but I guess this is how the cards fell. I wouldnt be as upset as I am if I didnt feel what I feel for this guy. Theres nothing I can do, to make him understand that I want someone just for me, all for me and he cant provide that apparently, so I need to cut the cord. Im the fool...again!
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