Fool That I Am...

This is deja vu. Emotions and booze bad combo and has its consequences. Sunday night I let loose venom I didnt know I had in me, towards my fella. The words I sent on were too horrible for me to repeat. I had no recollection of what I said until I went and re read what I had sent on. My fella was shocked to say the least and is no longer, "my fella" - Having cried myself to sleep and crying upon waking up made me feel like utter shit. At one point it was pretty much done, as in the "seeing each other" - Friends I think is possible, anything more nope. He cant accept what, in me, allowed me to send on such hateful, or, shitmail as he dubbed it. Eventually he had to go run his errands and communications stopped. I was horrified at myself, mad at myself. I had sent on final email with "Last words" in the subject line. I was antsy in my apt, I couldnt sit still, or stop thinking of him, losing him and what stupidity I did. I thought at one point I will never see him again unless I do something. Seeing it was a beautiful day, I assumed he may have gone to the island. I thought it may/could be my only chance, and is he there? Would he be going there. My plan was to cab down to the ferry docks, ferry on over and rent a bike in hopes of find his spot on the island. So off I went. Bike rented and off I went. I found the spot, I saw him and he saw me...I got off my bike and went on over to him, and said, hello. We sat on the beach for about an hour before anything was said about the situation I created. It was made clear he cant be involved with someone who could say such things to someone I liked. I understood what he meant. I tried to explain what was going on in my mind. The thoughts racing - the girlfriend, the unprotected sex with a few men, the potential STD scare. Although he understands that, regardless, the words I put in email where awful, hateful words. He said one could write those words but not to send those words. I didnt do that. Hence I ruined a good "relationship". He says he will be my friend, but Im sure he wants a few days without me around. Im saddened at that and am mad at myself. He was a good man, an attractive, stable and fun guy. So why did I do what I did? On Sunday morning, I told him that I think our time together was coming to an end, little did I know what I would cause myself. I sent a good morning email and I know he is usually up by 6, if he has work, so I just said, "good morning, work today?" - and havent heard back. I wont bother emailing unless he writes back. I know it would have to come to an end with the gf in the picture. The thing is, he, like me, isnt slutty and doesnt hook up, for that I was greatful and thought, "this is different, he is different" - I lost out - Fool that I am...:(
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