I Miss Him...

The end of the week brought on good news about the std scenario - there isn't one which is great. Talking back in for with Frank has been difficult, putting restrictions of when we meet, where we meet etc. Last night after getting in from a birthday drink for a co worker, there was a response to my email earlier in the day, telling him how he is being harsh with with me and I don't appreciate it, that I deserve better and more respect. He went on to say at one point that I left him? I told him that I flipped out when the whole std came up. I think my reaction was a bit much but at the same time, expected from someone like me, who tries so hard to make sure, when I get involved with someone, that they are all good. Frank seemed this way until we had that "condom" talk. He kept saying, "like it or lump it, you left me" - I told him to not say that, that it was not true, that I was enjoying Frank. How I am now a thing of the past, nothing relevant in his life,. When he wrote that I dumped him, I was so upset. I told him to not say that, that it was not true and I wouldn't have, not at that point. There was no reason. I cried at reading those words. I was so upset that I had to get off line. I went to bed. I wanted to escape into dreamland where there is no drama. I woke up all upset remembering last nights chat. I wake up this morning and there were 2 emails from last night from him. One, in response to one of my emails which read, "perhaps but you blew it" - the next one was, "you want to come over to talk about it?" - Why would he invite me over?! Firstly he told me he had plans for last night and the weekend. He was home 9-ish or so, if not earlier, responding to my emails - Then the invite over? He was drinking otherwise he would never have asked me that - I responded to the invite with, "I missed the email, I got off line and went to bed" - Then to follow I wrote, "The next question, would you have opened your door or leave me standing outside?" - That was just sent and probably get a response in the next little bit. But does he kick himself, will he kick himself when he realizes that he invited me over. I was not in a good frame of mind to go and would have blown my cover in regards to not drinking, though I was more high than drunk. If I wasn't so out of it I would have gone over. I could have woken up next to him, I am dying to see his smile, his hands, hear his words. What would've last night consist of? Drinking, talking, crying, laughing - none of that. Me passing out on the sofa, me cuddling next to him, waking up next to him, waking up on the sofa? Why would he do that? Id shave and shower now to go over and talk with him, but can almost guarantee that his invite was wine induced and probably something he would have regretted. I will await his response(s) shortly and see what happens. I'm still terrified as to what is happening with him. He is confusing me and twisting things. I did not leave him. He cut me off once I lost it on him. I need to remind him of that, maybe it was my words, harsh words that makes him think I left him. I did not leave him. For the first time in years I was truly enjoying myself with someone else. As slow as it was going, it was probably the most fun I had had in a long long time and it was refreshing as he was a different kind of person. I know if and when I see him again, should it happen, he will be the same jolly, carefree, goofy character. I told him in our email exchange that there has to be more behind the emails, that he has changed. He wrote and said, he is the same person I met, I am the one who has changed? It is not the facts. I was being cautious and worried, I told him to try and understand that, if only a little bit. I am not a mean person, I'm not a hurtful person. I am a nice person, that I am.
I did not and will never admit to being the one, as its not true, who left him. I miss him.
x

UPDATE: I emailed saying, I am all showered and shaved and bored - If he wanted me to grab coffee and come over and talk - I await - Im sure he is up by now....
UPDATE II: I havent heard back and dont think I will til he gets back from this supposed golf tournament up north. Will he ask me over again tonight to talk? Ill keep you posted.